


Look, and you will see it

by Nisushi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Anteiku - Freeform, Bullying, Eventual Romance, Friendship/Love, Future deaf!hide, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Murder, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It is for the story, Kuroneki, Main relationship is Hidekane, Mild nswf, Multi, Rating May Change, SUPER CHEESY, Slow Build, Some Swearing, Tsukiyama Shuu is a Creep, Yakuza!Hide, ahhh, alternative universe, and so much more tragedy, but still a tragedy, but that does not really have to do with anything, it has a happy ending, no I love him, no ghouls, oh boy, please don't ignore this fanfic because there is shuuneki in it, shady stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 20:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 51,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7546433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisushi/pseuds/Nisushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story where you became my eyes, and I became your voice</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Did you find what you were looking for?

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy your time reading this poop. It's my first fanfic and English is not my first language hahaha....  
> (Nikki why are you always looking for problems?)
> 
> This is an au I came up with some weeks ago. I worked the story line out, but I still need to figure out how to express it in words instead of a fricking anime made up by my imagination. 
> 
> It's unbeta'd, so if you come across any gramm mistakes or something, you can hit me and then correct me.
> 
> Anyways
> 
> ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ ︵ ┻━┻

_Seeing is really different from looking. To see is what everyone with decent eyes does when the eyes are not closed. To see doesn’t need any effort. It is the brain that captures what comes in our sight, and throws the little movie away without any extra thought. To look has an intention behind it. We pay attention to what comes in our sight, thinking about what we just looked at. But some people don’t have the ability to look. Are these people as blind as the people who lack the total ability to see? When exactly is a man blind?_

######   ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

The clattering of the rain against the windows of the cap. Muddy roads (can you even call it roads) also made clear that they existed with the splashing sound of wheels driving over ground with too much water. The firs surrounding the driveway created the same atmosphere that appears in the movie ‘ _ **The Shining**_ ’.

Leaning his arm on the little platform that is in the inside of a car connected to the side (is there even an official name for that part?), Kaneki couldn’t think of a reason why exactly the scenery outside reminded him of some western movie.

Ah, western movies. To expand his train of thoughts even further, Kaneki thought of that one friend he once had. The vague image of a middle school boy that was always smiling drew a smile on Kaneki’s own face. It seemed like this boy belonged to another life time.

The time that everything could be done without any further thought, was it already that long ago? The time before everything fell apart and that Kaneki had no other choice than to leave his hometown forever, it was some sort of fairy tale to Kaneki. Even after these years of experiencing how fucked up life could be, he still had hope that getting a scholarship for a boarder high school far, far away from all his worries could help him getting his peaceful life back again. Maybe a little bit naïve? Kaneki chuckled to himself while internally asking himself that. The driver of the cap must find him a freaky guy, all that smiling and chuckling to himself.

Speaking of the driver, he began to drive with a slower speed. This hill was supposed to be three minutes by car. Then why did it feel like they had been driving through the same scenery for over ten minutes? Before Kaneki could get enough courage to open his mouth and ask if there was something wrong, the driver spoke.

I can’t go further than this, it’s too dangerous and I’m not going to risk my life for some shady brat that can’t even pay me more than a thousand yen. You have to get out.’’

Ouch, looks like someone couldn’t bare it anymore to keep their opinion to themselves. Kaneki couldn’t blame the guy though.

When he needed someone to take him to a place that was close to three hundred kilometres away from the small town where he stayed all these years, there was only one guy in town who offered himself as victim. Kaneki didn’t really have a choice. Since there weren’t any taxi companies or whatever that provided service to their town, he took the offer as if he just got to choose between death and life, and he chose life of course.

Still, the guy had asked for some money for his good deed before they would leave. Kaneki saw his plan to flee from that place falling apart in millions of pieces. How was he supposed to have any money? When the man saw panic written all over face, he asked how much Kaneki had. Since he didn’t need any money for school, the scholarship had covered him up for everything, he gave his mere thousand yen and got a ‘’will do’’ back.

Now he stood outside in the rain with his small suitcase, watching the car going back down the hill. Kaneki took off his glasses and put them in his jacket pocket, knowing they would get moist anyway. He wouldn’t need them, since they were for reading and all, but he thought they were a nice addition everyday wear.

 _Trying to be fashionable again_ he thought.

His long denim blue jacket wasn’t waterproof, and it was raining cats and dogs. Taking his suitcase in his hand, Kaneki ran up the hill.

Socks and bottom of his jeans already getting wet, he tried to speed up his pace. Unfortunately, with the mud and all, Kaneki slipped and fell into the dirty aftermath of too much rain with sand. Being wet from the rain was not his biggest problem right now. Great.

After a fair four minute walk, Kaneki arrived at the gates of the school. It was an all-boys boarding school that was situated in the middle of fricking nowhere, and Kaneki was happy about that. Without having to leave the area, he was safe from the danger that could touch him if he only took one step outside the gates. He was safe here.

A relieved sigh was followed up by a nervous inhale of the rainy air. He had an appointment with the head of the school and he gave everything except for a good first impression with how he looked now. It was as if he was taken off the streets and brought here with a pathetic little suitcase to survive. Which was half true, but he didn’t want to think that.

Looking down, he scolded himself for being so clumsy. It were his only formal clothes too. Sighing ones again, Kaneki walked through the gates towards the main building.

While strolling over the very big area, he looked at the dorms that were on both his left and right side. They had a homey environment around them, looking clean. Kaneki knew that he would have to share his dorm room with someone, or rather someone had to share their own space with him, since he came somewhere at the beginning of the second semester. A lot happened and Kaneki couldn’t get here at April because reasons.

Getting further, buildings and sport fields for clubs and little random stores could be seen. The main building came into sight, and he had to stop for a second to look at it. It was enormous. The building made Kaneki feel so small, and he didn’t know if he liked that or not.

When Kaneki got close enough to the main building that existed of the classrooms and offices, he could read the full name of the school.

Big silver letters said ‘ _ **Fukuzawa private school**_ ’.

Fukuzawa Yukichi was an important educator that was born in a town nearby. At least, that is what Kaneki had read on the website of the school when the school had contacted him.

The school was famous for taking stray cats from the street to give them a brighter future than what it first would be. School results had to be remarkable high though. Other way to get into the school was having parents with a lot of money. _Off we go_ , and Kaneki walked through the main entrance.

If he thought that the outside left an impression that could be simply described as ‘great’, then the inside would be great times ten. The interior had a traditional modern theme, marble all over the place. Looking up at the big chandelier made Kaneki feel dizzy.

 _Oh, that’s right. I had an appointment_ and he began searching for something that looked like a reception or something. Does this school even have that? Kaneki got a bit panicky when suddenly a woman who looked like a teacher showed up.

“Ehh, excuse me’’ Kaneki bowed formally.

‘’I’ve a-an appointment with t-the head’’ he muttered. Before starting his next sentence, he thought about his words carefully, hoping that they would roll out of his mouth with a little more confidence.

‘’Could you please tell me where I can find the head Ma’am?’’ The lady looked at him as if he was indeed a stray cat, giving a look of disapproval.

‘’She is in her office. If you take the stairs to the third floor, it will be at the end of the hallway that is right in front of the stairs’’.

Bowing again and muttering something that sounded like ‘’Thank you’’, he got to the broad stairs and climbed to the third floor, his suitcase still in his hand.

In front of the office, Kaneki knocked twice and stepped back.

Hearing a ‘’Come in’’ from a voice that definitely belonged to a female, he opened the door and walked in.

Sitting in front of the Head’s desk, he looked around the neatly kept room with too much details, trying not to make anything dirty.

the Head was a woman with white blond hair, soft grey eyes, yet a rigid atmosphere around her. She began to speak and Kaneki squealed a little when she formulated his name, looking her straight into the eyes.

‘’You are Kaneki Ken, the new student from Kokonoe, is that right?’’ she read the facts of some document that was his application form.

‘’Yes Ma’am’’. Kaneki didn’t have any words to fill his answer up with.

Great start Ken.

‘’That must have been a tough journey’’, the Head made Kaneki tense up a little less. That was a good thing, making it easier to talk.

‘’First of all, I want to introduce myself. My name is Mado Akira and I’m the headmaster of this school’’. She smiled softly before continuing,

'’You probably won’t see me that much, only if you have serious problems, so I hope for you that you don’t have to come here again’’. Kaneki nodded quickly showing that he understood it.

‘’Secondly, excuse if I’m rude by asking this, but why exactly are you all wet and covered with mud as if you’ve walked through the woods for a week?’’

 _Yeah I could’ve seen that question coming_ Kaneki thought and nervously chuckled while telling everything from the man who sat him off somewhere on the hill to him falling into the mud.

He expected more questions after his short story like why he was brought by some random guy. Kaneki didn’t really like to answer questions like that, because it would lead to more curiosity from the other, and that would lead to more questions.

Fortunately, Akira didn’t go deeper into the subject, continuing asking the normal questions like how he was at school, and checking if all the information she had about him was correct.

After that, Akira gave him his keys of his dorm room, saying that he shared it with some guy called Tonozaki Yu. She told him that he could find all the other information in the little info booklet that was situated on his bed in his dorm room for him.

Before Kaneki could leave, Akira said ‘’You should first go get your school and P.E. uniform that you can get in the small building right next of the main building. You will get your first set for free, but if something gets damaged, it is expected from you that you will buy a replacement for the damaged. You are free to go now’’.

 _Shit. So I actually need money_ , Kaneki bowed and said thank you before entering the hall again and closing the door behind him.

 _Okay, first the uniforms, then the money problem_. Kaneki made a note to himself that he had to think of a way to get money. How could he think that he wouldn’t need any? You can’t survive without any money, stupid.

When Kaneki came through the main entrance and saw that the rain changed into drizzle. Trying to find the small building where Akira talked about, Kaneki found it indeed at the right side of the main building. Yeah, because why would she lie about that?

The cold October wind was a bitch in his face, and Kaneki hoped he could go straight to his dorm room after this. It was after school time, so he assumed that everyone was busy with their club activities.

Maybe he could have some time alone for the first time in forever. That made him happy. In the town where Kaneki stayed, he was always surrounded by people, which was very difficult for someone who was more of an anti-social person like he was.

Kaneki went through the doors and got greeted by the cosy warmth of the building. Kaneki closed the door and muttered ‘’excuse me’’ while walking into the ‘shop’. He got a surprise in return. Standing still, Kaneki watch the clerk of the shop turning around and starting to speak.

‘’Welco-‘’ The clerk turned mute when he faced Kaneki.

 

Maybe it was his imagination, but Kaneki could only see sunflowers and smell the summer wind.

 _What a cliché_.

Kaneki tried to speak, but the clerk took the chance first.

 

‘’Ka… neki?’’

 

It was indeed the sun himself.

It was indeed Hide.


	2. What exactly were you looking for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and the Kudo's and comments on the previous chapter o(^▽^)o
> 
> I will update this every two days if I can keep it up.
> 
> Enjoy your time reading this (ﾉ> ◇

‘’Ka… neki?’’

Was this how these sort of reunions were supposed to be? Kaneki didn’t know. What he knew was that his only friend that he ever had stood in front of him. What should he say? ‘Good to see you again’? ‘It has been a long time’? He had no idea. Why was he so bad at this? And staring at the ground won’t help you out Ken.

 

_‘’Don’t think too much about what to and what not to say’’ A toothy smile came into sight, coming along with a help offering hand. ‘’T-thank you*’’ Kaneki gripped the hand and got up with help of the extra power._

_‘’C’m on ‘Neki, no need to be formal’’. The hand still hadn’t let go. Kaneki didn’t have any other choice than to follow the owner of the hand._

 

 _Why the hell would a memory like that come up?_ Again, Kaneki met Hide’s eyes.

‘’Long time no see’’.

Damnit, as always, Hide was faster in reacting. ‘’Yes’’ was the only thing Kaneki could come up with.

Before getting a chance to add something, Hide stepped away from behind the counter and walked straight to Kaneki. They were only this far away from each other now. Suddenly, Hide took Kaneki’s head with both hands and looked at him with an intense expression. Kaneki got nervous, and oh god, sweaty was not what he was waiting for. Kaneki turned away his gaze, and Hide let go, only to start with laughing.

Seeing Kaneki’s confused face, Hide took a deep breath to calm himself down before talking. ’’Kaneki, you will never change, do you?’’ and he started laughing again.

Because of the fact that they knew each other since they were seven year old children, Kaneki found that he had the right to be slightly annoyed with this person. He had changed! He was taller than when the two had seen each other for the last time, and that was like, three years ago. He also got more confident in public, but then we are talking about an improvement of minus two to a one. But it was still something.

Wanting a fast comeback, Kaneki took his glasses out of his pocket and shoved them into Hide’s face.

‘’I’ve changed! I’ve got glasses now!’’ Realising what he just had said and hearing Hide bursting into laughing again, Kaneki wanted a pair of wings to grow out of him so he could fly away.

 _But it is Hide, so you don’t have to be embarrassed_ , Kaneki told himself and looked at Hide who was sweeping his tears away.

Then Kaneki got surprised by two arms wrapping around him. He gasped a little when Hide leaned his chin on his own head.

‘’Please never change, ‘Neki’’. Hide speaks with a soft voice, and Kaneki gets for some reason all blushy.

Hide let Kaneki go and asked him ‘’Is there anything I can help you with, customer-san?’’ The idol like poses will never leave Hide, would they?

‘’I came here for my uniform for school and P.E. classes, sir’’ Kaneki decided join in Hide’s little game. ‘’I don’t want to walk around in my underwear, right?’’ Kaneki put on an innocent smile.

‘’And what if I said that that is exactly what I want? Or you can make a great impression with that hobo look of yours.’’ Kaneki laughed. It really had been a long time since he had felt like that.

‘’Just go to your storage room and take the things that have my name on it’’. Before coming here, Kaneki had to give his sizes, so that everything would be ready when he arrived here.

‘’Customer is god, I guess. Even if they’re hella rude’’ and Hide turned to the door behind the counter and went through it. Kaneki walked to the counter so he could see what Hide was doing, since he didn’t close the door.

‘’Why are you here?’’

Maybe that came off a little bit rude. But Hide ignored it and answered with “Well, if you’re talking about this school, since I’m not really rich and since I’m that smart…” pausing to emphasis on ‘smart’, ‘’I got a scholarship, simple as that.’’ Hide was searching through different packages to find the right one. ’’I joined this school when I was in my freshman year, just like everyone else, and not showing my ugly face in the middle of some yea- oh, found it.’’

Hide came back with his uniforms, wrapped in transparent plastic. ‘’If you are talking about why I’m here in this shop wasting my time by doing nothing… well, I needed money and they pay me for doing nothing. Isn’t that a win-win?’’ Hide handed over the package to Kaneki.

‘’And since I’m literally doing nothing, no one will get hurt if I leave this musty place and show you around the campus, right?’’

‘’Well, actually I-‘’ Hide interrupted Kaneki by taking his hand and pulling him to the outside world.

_He never let go._

The drizzle had also stopped, leaving a dark grey sky, since it was getting late. Still holding his hand, Hide walked with him past various places, explaining them.

‘’Here are the buildings for the clubs. It’s almost nothing else than sports, by the way. Since it was raining, the sport fields aren’t used. These buildings contain big studios, gyms, and whatever more. I’m in the athletics club, having a great time with these guys. You should join a club too, since you have no other choice, because you are not allowed to not join a club.’’‘’But I’ve no interests besi-‘’

‘’Besides reading, ha? Well, I remember that you were super awesome in that play we did when we were in primary school, so why not joining the theatrics club?’’ Hide was looking to what was in front of them while walking, nonchalantly dropping compliments.

‘’Theatre is not something that’s in my league Hide. Though I enjoy it’’ Kaneki made a thinking face. ‘’Well, I will think of it’’.

The idea of people who are constantly watching him gave Kaneki shivers down his spine. Yet, thinking about pretending to be someone else made Kaneki think that maybe it was a good idea to consider to join the club.

‘’Do you already know who you will be sharing your room with?’’ Hide’s question snapped him out of his thoughts.

‘’With Yono- Tonozaki something, I think’’ Kaneki couldn’t remember his name, not that he really cared.

‘’Tonozaki Yu you mean? Well, could be worse. He is a senior that only shows off. I’m cringing every time I see that guy’’ Hide made a face while talking about this Tonozaki guy, and Kaneki found it amusing.

‘’Well, if I don’t interact too much with him, I should be fine right?’’ For one or another reason, Kaneki felt disappointment that he wouldn’t share his room with Hide. Why? That was something for later to worry about.

‘’Who is your roommate then?’’ Weird question when you’re somewhere where you don’t even know anyone.

’’What is he like?’’ Kaneki corrected himself.

‘’This guy is or was a freshman at this school, but got suspended the first semester this year because of fights. He is small but like super aggressive. It is really a funny sight’’ Hide grinned to himself as if he saw the guy right in front of him.

‘’But if you put some effort in talking with him, you can find out he actually is a nice guy. I wasn’t surprised when I heard he got suspended though, and I have the room for myself now, so I can’t complain. He will probably come back when the next year starts’’.

Kaneki hummed in return.

‘’Do you know your room number ‘Neki?’’ Kaneki got his key from his pocket and read the number ‘532’ out loud.

‘’That’s in the same building as my room, great!’’ Hide walked him enthusiastically to the building on the right side of the terrain.

‘’I will show you where you can eat and shower and stuff. There are no private showers or toilets, so we have to do it with seeing bare butts everywhere’’.

It seemed like Hide found it funny, but Kaneki wasn’t that of a fan of the idea of showering where everyone could see you.

As if Hide could read his mind, he said ‘’You can shower around six am in the morning or ten o’clock in the evening. Then there is mostly no soul that is showering’’.

Entering the building, they walked into the main hall that had the same theme as the main building.

‘’You will find the canteen on the first floor, the bathrooms on the second and third floor. For the rest it’s only dorm rooms and a private room for the guard that never comes out of there. I’ve seen him ones. He seriously gives me the heebie jeebies, man’’.

Kaneki smiled. He didn’t realise until now how much he had missed this carefree feeling. Walking through an almost soulless building next to Hide reminds him or the past. Just listening to Hide’s voice, babbling about nothing.

‘’Your room is on the second floor. I’m in room 615 so if you ever need me’’. Hide led Kaneki to his own room.

Standing in front of Kaneki’s room, Hide spoke up. ‘’You have one hour left ‘till the club activities end. One hour alone time’’. He gave thumbs up while Kaneki took his key and opened his door.

‘’Not if you don’t return to your oh-so-important job’’. Hide grabbed his heart as if he was hurt and made a pouting face.

Kaneki got into his room and before Hide went off, he asked what had been poking him the whole time since he met Kaneki again.

‘’Where were you all these years?’’

Hide’s voice suddenly sounded so serious that Kaneki made a little jump. Without looking at Hide, though knowing that He was looking at him, Kaneki answered.

‘’I’ve been… at places’’

It was not enough.

Sighing, Kaneki met Hide’s eyes with his own. ‘’It is a long story for another time?’’ It was more of a hesitant question than a statement. But Hide knew he shouldn’t ask any further and knowing him, he wouldn’t in the meantime either.

Hide smiled softly.

‘’You should read your booklet or unpack your stuff or something. Maybe be the little book nerd that you are and read while you still can’’. Hide stood in the doorway, still looking at him.

‘’Meet me in the canteen this evening around seven o’clock so we can have a dinner date together. And don’t get frightened if someone is touching your butt while you’re showering’’.

He gave Kaneki a wink and waved, running off later, not minding to close. the. fucking. door. Just like the random flirty comments, some habits will never disappear. Kaneki was used to Hide’s flirty nature, not getting all flustered like when he was younger if he greeted him with one of his ridiculous pick-up lines.

 _Maybe I should take a shower now_ , it probably would be the safest for both him and the rest. Knowing how aggressive he could get when he would be attacked.

That reminded him of a memory that contained laughter, screaming and crying. Never again, Hide. Never again.

Kaneki gave a glance to his room. The room was not big. A bed, desk and closet on either side of the room, assuming the neat side was his.

He unpacked his stuff and put it in his closet, together with his P.E. outfit that he had discarded from its wrapping paper. His freed his uniform too, hanging it on a hanger on one door of his closet. The uniform included a pair of indoor school shoes, dark brown trousers, white button up shirt, crimson red sweater vest and a castleton green blazer.

_Cute._

Changing from his dirty clothing into a sweatpants a tee, Kaneki was lost on where to put his clothes that were covered in now dried mud. He made a mental note to ask Hide later on.

Ignoring the urge to just jump into bed and read for the rest of the time, Kaneki took one of the towels that were provided by the school and some clean pair of boxers and headed out.

Heading towards the public bathroom, he found out that there was no one to be seen. Kaneki released a breath of relief. He was uncomfortable with the idea of other people watching him while he wasn’t wearing any clothing. He was so scrawny compared to the rest of his age. Hide probably wouldn’t have any problem with showing himself so openly. Not that Kaneki knew what Hide’s body looked like, but he could imagine that Hide was ripped compared to Kaneki.

_Wait, what am I thinking?_

He quickly threw the thought far away and went into the bathroom.

This was the beginning of something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you is being said as ''Arigatō gozaimasu'', which is more formal than ''Arigatō'' 
> 
> I kinda have a hc that Hide is like one head taller than Kaneki. I think that the first 3-5 chapters will be relation/character development and explanations, then I will start on the main story line. 
> 
> Thanks for reading ^-^


	3. You overlooked some things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter this time! 
> 
> Enjoy ^-^
> 
> Did you all read the last chapter of tgre? I'm crying ;-;

When it was finally time to close up the shop, Hide began his routine of closing and checking everything.

When he was done, he stepped outside and closed the front door with the keys he got from the school.

While heading to the dorm building where his room was situated, Hide looked at his watch.

‘’Shoot, it’s half past seven already’’.

Strolling further and thinking about all the great food probably was gone, another thing shot through his head.

Hide had agreed with Kaneki that they would have dinner together half an hour again. And if Hide had said to Kaneki to be there at seven o’clock, he knew the nerd would be there at two to seven.

‘’Shit, shit, shit’’. Hide began to run.

How could he forget about Kaneki? After not seeing his friend for years, he forgot about him immediately after he came back to his work place.

Hide smiled. He was happy that his old friend seemed okay. He couldn’t deny that he had been worried about Kaneki since he suddenly left without a trace, like water evaporating in the sun.

There were still a lot of questions that Hide wanted to ask his friend. Like where he had been all these years and what the cause was for his sudden disappearance. But he knew that Kaneki wasn’t comfortable with answering these sort of questions.

He couldn’t blame Kaneki. He was definitely not the only one who kept secrets. Look at Hide. He had kept so much from Kaneki that if he would tell him the truth, Kaneki probably wouldn’t believe him.

Immediately searching for Kaneki when he arrived at the canteen, Hide found him sitting in a corner of the big room, wearing his glasses.

_Adorable._

This was mostly the busiest time in the canteen, most students already eating with their friends talking about the average stuff.

Hide walked towards where Kaneki was seated, seeing he had already picked out food, yet didn’t start eating.

_That’s Kaneki for you._

Hide lightly placed his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder, waking Kaneki up from his daydreams. He probably thought that Hide would show up at the right time for the first time and didn’t bring a book or something.

He was so wrong.

‘’Sorry for keeping you waiting, Kaneki’’. Hide gave him a apologizing smile while rubbing the back of his head.

Kaneki tried to look annoyed, and failed. ‘’I’m happy that you could still make it’’.

‘’Yeah, luckily I didn’t get shot on my way here’’. Hide grinned.

Kaneki adjusted his glasses and huffed. ‘’Don’t joke about that, idiot’’.

‘’I will get the impression from that that you actually care about me, ‘Neki’’.

Kaneki rolled his eyes. ‘’Shut your mouth and get some food’’.

Hide did as told and left to get some food.

Placing himself across from Kaneki, Hide and Kaneki began to eat. With his mouth full of udon, Hide began to speak.

‘’Y’u a’ weawing you’ gwasses’’.

Seeing Kaneki lifting his eyebrows, assuming he didn’t understand a word that just came out of Hide’s mouth, he swallowed his food and repeated.

‘’You are wearing your glasses’’.

For one reason, Kaneki suddenly looked as if he felt self-conscious. He stroked one of his black hair locks behind his ear.

‘’ah-h, yes. It’s only for reading though, but I... I think it looks… nicer’’. What the hell did he just say?

Before Hide could reply, three (a little too loud, Hide could almost hear Kaneki thinking that) boys the same age as Hide and Kaneki interrupted the chitchat.

‘’Why aren’t you sitting with us, Hide?’’

‘’Yeah, you promised to tell us about that crappy horror movie you ones watched. You promised!’’

‘’Sorry guys, something, or rather someone else came up, and it is the most important at the moment, so’’.

At the same time, the three threw their gaze upon Kaneki, Kaneki making himself as small as possible.

‘’Who is this guy?’’

Hide cleared his throat as if he was about to start some speech, standing up to make it extra dramatic.

‘’This guy is not just a guy. This guy is my old childhood friend called Kaneki ken. He finally came to the idea to show his sorry butt after years of being known as the ‘mysterious disappearance’ of our home town. He is a transfer student and will start after this weekend attending our oh-so-awesome school!’’

Hide had made up half of his story.

After Kaneki and his parents had disappeared, no one seemed to notice it or they just didn’t talk about it. Even Kaneki’s classmates only gave one mere glance at the empty table in the classroom. THe only one who was concerned about the disappearance, was Hide, asking himself why Kaneki hadn’t let him know about ‘suddenly moving out’? Because Hide couldn’t find a clue about the Kaneki family’s disappearance, he concluded that the family had chosen to move out of their little town without a word for some reason. Yet, the question of what really happened never left Hide’s mind.

And now the fact that Kaneki couldn’t properly answer the question about where he had been, Hide came the conclusion that there was definitely something that had happened.

But it’s too early to early to go further into that, and Hide watched his friends muttering something about what he had just said.

‘’Kaneki, these three are in the same class as me, and hopefully yours too, soon’’. He gave a confident smile to Kaneki before continuing.

‘’The guy with the orange hair is Arata Kokonoe. He tried to imitate me but failed and ended up getting orange hair.’’

Arata gave Hide a disturbed look. ‘’That’s not true, you asshole! It should be like this.’’

Hide gripped him in a sort of man hug. ‘’Yeah, even though this guy gives the impression of being some delinquent, he’s soft from the inside’’.

Arata got out of Hide’s grip and turned towards Kaneki. ‘’You can just call me Kokonoe. Pleased to meet ya!’’

‘’This guy is Hisami Touji’’ Hide pointed to his friend with Helix ear piercing rings in one ear.

‘’You can call me Tou-kun, like everyone else does’’. Kaneki gave a quick nod.

‘’And I’m Shunsuke Sakuya, but I prefer to be called Shunsuke-sama’’. With that said, Shunsuke got hit on the back of his head by Kokonoe. Rubbing his head, he continued. ‘’You can call me Sakuya or Shun, whichever you prefer’’.

Kaneki murmured a small ‘’Nice to meet you all’’ while avoiding eye contact.

 _So he still can't look new people in the eyes for more than ten seconds_ , Hide thought and turned towards the three.

‘’As fun as it is to have you three here, I still have a lot to catch up with this guy, so if you could excuse us’’.

His friends waved Hide and Kaneki goodbye, and Hide sat down again.

‘’What do you think?’’

Hide always wanted to know what Kaneki thought, and since Kaneki would only share his thoughts if Hide asked for it, Hide asked for it a lot. Kaneki thought for a bit before speaking. ‘’Well, they are a little bit… loud, but I think they are nice’’, giving a small smile at the end.

_No chin touches, good. That means he is speaking his mind_

Walking out of the canteen, Kaneki stopped Hide.

‘’I still have some questions. Like, where can I bring my dirty laundry and stuff?’’

‘’You didn’t read the info booklet, did you?’’

Kaneki turned his face away and Hide chuckled.

‘’You can bring it to the building next to the uniform store. There you can use washing machines. You will have to pay some money when you want to use them, though’’.

‘’Oh..’’. Kaneki had difficulty with something, Hide could see it.

‘’Come on, spill it. I can see you are troubled with something’’. Hide waited patiently for Kaneki to open up to him.

‘’I- I kinda have of a problem. You see, I gave my last money to the driver who brought me here..’’

He seemed really troubled with it. Hide looked at him with soft eyes.

‘’If you need money, you can search for a part time job this weekend. There are a lot of people who are searching for more man power. And I can cover you up if you want clean undies or something to eat with lunch. Yeah, I’ll definitely will buy you lunch. We don’t want you underfed again, right?’’

Kaneki got ninety nine problems, but being close to death won’t be one.

‘’But I don’t want to b-‘’

‘’You will never be a burden to me, Kaneki. Your health comes first’’.

Without arguing further, Kaneki sighed of relieve and gave Hide one of the purest smiles, and Hide felt his chest warm up, together with his cheeks.

‘’Really, thanks a lot, Hide. I’ll do my best so I can pay you back later’’.

_Why do you have to be so adorable, Kaneki?_

‘’Yeah, yeah. Go to your room and read or something’’. Hide shooed with his hands. ‘’Tonozaki will probably be there by now. Be here for breakfast at eight o’clock tomorrow morning’’.

Kaneki said goodbye to Hide before running off.

Damn, what are these random warming moments? Hide thought while walking to his own room.

Was it because he saw the person where he cared about (the most, Hide added) being safe and happy?

Hey, even though it had been three years, Hide still felt the same for his friend, or something like that. Did he still feel the same though?

Hide thought that ‘not having seen his bestie for too damn long’ was the reason for feeling these foreign feelings and shook the thought off.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~  
  


Kaneki saw four guys he didn’t know coming out of his shared room when he walked into the hall that led to the room. They were laughing and said night to someone who still was in there, probably Tonozaki. The guys passed Kaneki without giving him any attention, and Kaneki walked to the closed door.

As quiet as possible, Kaneki opened the door and walked in, seeing Tonozaki on his bed reading some magazine.

He didn’t look up when Kaneki stood in the middle of the room. Kaneki cleared his throat before speaking.

‘’eh-h, g-good evening..’’

Still not getting back any kind of reaction, Kaneki came closer and waved a little with his hand. Tonozaki looked up with an expression saying ‘Don’t fucking talk to me brat’. Kaneki became a little scared but chose to continue, gulping beforehand.

‘’I…I’m your new roommate, Kaneki ken’’. Kaneki did his best to not turn his gaze off of Tonozaki, who finally met his eyes.

Tonozaki stood up, walking towards the point that there were only a few inches between them.

_He is… tall._

He was almost one and a half head bigger then Kaneki. His face was almost flawless (could Kaneki say that about a guy?), hazel-brown hair that had a undercut with wavy hair on top. If Kaneki thought that Hide was toned, then Tonozaki was, like a damn body builder.

_Why are you thinking about Hide again, Ken?_

Looking up, Kaneki saw Tonozaki smirking at him, looking down. Kaneki had never felt so small.

‘’Hey there, Kanekichi. Nice to meet you’’. Tonozaki did a step back and offered his hand, Kaneki realising some time later that he was supposed to shake it. The grip felt almost as if Tonozaki tried to break his hand.

Letting his hand go, Kaneki didn’t dare to let his gaze down now. He could almost smell danger.

‘’I’m Tonozaki Yu. Senior and leader of the athletics team of our school…’’

 _Ahh, that’s why Hide doesn’t like him. He probably bosses Hide around, and Hide doesn’t like that._ These two together, that will never work. Kaneki smirked to himself, imagining this pair together, while Tonozaki was babbling something about his family.

‘’What are you laughing at, you turd?’’ Tonozaki’s face escalated from ‘spoiled child’ grin to ‘I will break your fingers’ glare.

_Who uses turd to insult someone?_

Maybe it was a better idea to apologize for nothing than getting further into his thoughts, because now Tonozaki was grapping Kaneki by the collar of his Tee, lifting him an inch from the ground.

‘’Do you think you’re funny or sometin’?’’

Kaneki didn’t even dare to think funny comments. ’’N-no, I didn’t laugh at you, I swear!’’

Tonozaki sighed and let Kaneki go, which made Kaneki stumble a bit.

_This is just great._

The morning after, Kaneki woke up and saw that Tonozaki already left. Yawning, rolling over, trying to get up, rolling over again, and then finally getting up, strolling towards his desk where he had put his phone on to charge. He looked at the time, coming to the fact that it was only 7 o’clock in the morning. Groaning and asking himself why people sane enough would wake up and get ready at 7 in the morning, on weekends. Strolling back to his bed, Kaneki let himself fall and fell asleep again.

 

_‘’M-mother..?  
_

_The creature in front of him isn’t moving, staring with soulless eyes at him._

_Panic piercing through him, gripping the limp body and shaking it._

_‘’M-mom~… Mom..’’ sniffling._

_‘’MOOOOOOOMM!!!’’_

_Shaking becomes rougher, sniffles louder. No tears though. Tears are for the weak._

_‘’U son of a biTCH, I’LL KILL Y’U!’’_

_Looking up, he sees something flying at him._

 

The same thing woke him up.

_Nightmares._

Kaneki sat up and rubbed his eyes. No tears, that’s good. No one needs to know it, Kaneki gave a weak smile with that thought.

Getting his phone again, he saw it was quarter past eight, so he decided to get into his casual clothes and get some breakfast, since he agreed with Hide to have breakfast some time ago.

_Serves you right for always being late._

After breakfast with Hide and telling him what happened previous night (‘’Well, I have kinda seen that coming, since you look like a shrimp asking for trouble’’) Kaneki went with him to a haven town near the school, ten minutes by bike. Which included Kaneki having to sit behind Hide, seeing death for almost six times. Hide dropped Kaneki at the main street of the town, saying he still had something he had to do and that he would pick him up in about three hours. Kaneki could call him if he wanted to get picked up earlier, having exchanged his new number with Hide.

Kaneki strolled down the street. It wasn’t too busy since it was early, so he thought it would be the right time to bother some people with asking for a job. He came across a small convenience store, but he didn’t really see himself working there. Walking some more, a little café came into sight. Coming closer, Kaneki could read the name ‘Anteiku’ on the small chalkboard that was sat up outside.

_Well I sure love coffee, and they are looking for new recruits too!_

With that thought in mind, Kaneki sped up his pace a little and walked towards the entrance, only stumbling into someone who was just leaving the little shop.

‘’Oi! You’ve got eyes for a reason, idiot!’’

Kaneki had stumbled into a girl around his age, deep purple hair covering one of her annoyed looking eyes. She wore a uniform, assuming she worked here.

‘’S-sorry, I didn’t pay attention..’’

‘’You better be’’ and with that said, the girl turned her back towards Kaneki and walked towards the terrace that was situated in front of the shop, probably readying it for the day. Today it was pretty warm, even though it was mid October.

Kaneki walked into the shop, a little bell clinging when the door touched it. It was a cosy looking café, vintage furniture with a dark fall coloured theme. Pictures and lights decorated the walls, big jars made of glass filled with coffee beans doing the same but then only behind the counter.

Behind the counter, an old looking man turned his face towards Kaneki, giving a friendly smile.

‘’Welcome to Anteiku. Can I help you, young man?’’ The man spoke with kindness dancing over his voice.

It made Kaneki somewhat relaxed. ‘’Good morning, sir. I came here because I saw that this café is searching for part timers, and I was looking for a job’’.

‘’That’s just great, isn’t it. If you don’t mind, can I ask you for your time so we can have a small talk?’’

Kaneki was happy that everything worked out so fast. ‘’No, I wouldn’t mind at all’’ and Kaneki seated himself at the table that the man led him to.

After the talk, the manager (Kaneki came to know his name was Yoshimura) assured him that he could definitely start working at Anteiku beginning Tuesday afternoon. Waving Yoshimura goodbye, and later on the girl who had returned from the terrace too, Kaneki had the biggest smile on his face.

  
  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
‘’Nagachika, this isn’t going to work anymore. Stop with your high school shit and just join us’’.

Hide turned his face towards his acquaintance? Partner in crime? He didn’t know what exactly they were from each other.

Hide gave a half-hearted grin. ‘’Well, you see, father said that I could finish my hi-‘’

‘’I don’t fucking care about what that old man has to say. I just don’t want his men hunting me down for doing this’’.

The guy, Yumisaki Kanda, took a cig and a lighter from his pocket and lit it, inhaling the chemicals.

They were leaning against a wall in some alley, towns away from where he had dropped Kaneki just an hour ago. After he cycled some minutes until he was out of sight, he dropped his bike and hid it behind some bushes, getting picked up by Yumisaki on his motorbike a couple of minutes later.

‘’You know, I’m not really in the mood to talk about this now. Can we continue this another time?’’

‘’Fine’’ an exhale before continuing. ‘’But only if you help me out with this case a bit. Do you have something with you’’.

With that, Hide gave him a confident smile. ‘’Kanda you know me, right? I always have something with me for these sort of situations.’’

Hide took something out of his small backpack he had brought with him. It looked like a knife, only really thin, almost as if the blade was mere aluminium foil.

‘’This is one of my latest creations. The blade is thin yet super sharp and strong. Stabbing in the right places, and no one will find out it was done by a knife’’. Hide handed Yumisaki the knife.

Yumisaki weighed it in his hands, only to accidentally cut his thump with the slightest pressure.

‘’Sweet’’.

Before any of the two could continue, Hide’s phone rang.

‘’Ah, gotta pick that up’’ saying after seeing who was calling him.

‘’Hey, ‘Neki, what’s up?’’

‘’Hide! I got a job!’’

Kaneki sounded so happy, Hide couldn’t help himself but warm up by the sound of Kaneki’s voice.

‘’That’s great. Which maid-café are you hired at?’’

Hearing Kaneki huff through the phone, Hide laughed.

‘’Fine, fine. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes or so? Don’t get too happy and jump into the sea, okay’’.

‘’Will do’’ and with that, Kaneki hung up.

Hide glanced happily at his phone screen, seeing Kaneki’s name still being there.

‘’’S that yer girlfriend or sometin’?’’

Hide looked up. ‘’No, just a friend’’. Yumisaki hummed, disbelief colouring it.

‘’Come on, we couldn’t leave your ‘friend’ waiting for you, right?’’

  
  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
Kaneki was behind Hide again, on the bike that was going up the hill. It felt as if he could accomplish anything.

Even though Kaneki was enthusiastically telling Hide about everything that had happened the time that they weren’t together, too overjoyed at the moment, the faint smell that stuck to Hide’s clothes didn’t seem to entrance Kaneki’s nostrils unnoticed. It was an odour that he would never forget.

The smell of chemicals.

The smell of cigarettes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, shady stuff! Where is this all going? 
> 
> I know it, I spoiled it all for myself T-T
> 
> I love Kaneki's glasses, shut up.  
> I also love Kaneki being some sassy child, but only in his mind.
> 
> Till next chapter!


	4. You didn't have to look that far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter!  
> I know, the first chapters are really slow and nothing is happening really.  
> But it will get better, I swear!
> 
> Enjoy

‘’Kaanekii~, why do you have to be so mean?!’’

Hide gave a cry of despair, lowering his shoulders.

It was Monday morning and Kaneki and Hide were walking through the hallways of the main building, heading towards their classrooms. Hide wasn’t in the best kind of mood.

Why?

Kaneki got placed into class 2-b, while Hide was in 2-b. Kaneki didn’t really understand why it was his fault, it probably was Hide overreacting.

‘’I can’t help it. It would be much better if I got placed into the same class as you, Hide. Guess we can’t help it’’. Kaneki was rather anxious about this situation, being alone with a group of people he didn’t know, without Hide being there for him to be his voice. Yet, Kaneki didn’t want to look like he always needed to depend on Hide, like when they were younger. He wanted to show that he had changed.

_What change? That you are able to ask a stranger something without shitting your pants?_

Well, even if he didn’t change that much, he could at least hide his pathetic side a bit, right?

Hide stopped walking, and Kaneki got pulled to a stop when Hide grabbed his arm. ‘’Your class is here. Don’t get into trouble on your first day, my lady. I’ll wait for you at the entrance, so we can grab some lunch afterwards. See yah!’’ and Hide let go, running towards his own classroom, waving Kaneki goodbye.

Kaneki watched Hide disappearing around the corner, then turning towards the door of his class. Should he wait outside? Kaneki could hear the cheery sounds that came from the class, assuming everyone was already there. Before Kaneki could open the door, a man who was probably in his thirties jogged towards Kaneki.

‘’I assume you are Kaneki Ken, the new student?’’ The man offered his hand and Kaneki shook it.

Why are there so many enormous people at this school?

This man was like Tonozaki really tall, but much wider build than him. Kaneki didn’t know why, but the nervous smile that the man had put on didn’t fit him.

‘’I’m Amon Koutarou, your homeroom teacher. Can you wait here for a moment? I will introduce you to the class and then you can come in’’.

Kaneki nodded and stayed put while Amon walked into the classroom. Hearing him calming the class down and telling them something Kaneki couldn’t quiet hear, Kaneki didn’t really know when he should come in. Would Amon give him a sign?

Too deep into his thoughts, he didn’t notice Amon standing into the doorway because Kaneki was taking too long with coming in. When Kaneki finally noticed him, he murmured a small apology, and walked into the classroom looking at the floor.

‘’If you would like to introduce yourself?’’

Kaneki teared his gaze from the interesting floor and looked at his classmates.

_Oh no._

This was a perfect example of a group that Kaneki didn’t want to have to do anything with. They were all gazing at him, not amused at all. He could already see some guys murmuring something to each other and chuckling.

Oh no, this was not good.

Kaneki knew he was not good in front of groups, but he didn’t know that it was this bad. He gulped and tried to get all of his courage together.

‘’H-hello, I-I… I’m Ka-kaneki Ken-n. Please t-take care of.. of me!’’ and he bowed quickly.

Amon sent him off to an empty desk in the fricking middle of the classroom, and Kaneki strolled towards the desk, seating himself and tried to be as small and invisible as possible when Amon began the lesson.

The first hours weren’t hard to go through, but then the bell rang, announcing that the small break had begun. Kaneki panicked, knowing that he was supposed to stay in the classroom. When all the other guys began to form little groups to talk a bit, Kaneki was left alone at his desk. In the middle of the room.

Should he go to the toilets for the time being? He didn’t even know where they were, and he didn’t want to risk getting lost and getting even more attention than he had now. He decided to just lock himself away from the group, took out a book he brought to class out of his messenger bag and began to read. Still, he couldn’t focus on the words.

Kaneki could literally feel eyes burning through him.

This was going to be a long day.

The other hours until the lunch break were fine as well, and when the bell rang, Kaneki left his stuff and got out of the class as fast as possible. He almost ran towards the entrance, seeing Hide standing there, waiting for him. Kaneki felt a wave of relieve going through him, calling out for Hide.

‘’Was it _that_ bad?’'

Kaneki and Hide had bought something from the little bakery shop that was situated on the terrain. Now they were sitting on the stairs in the hallway, most people having lunch in their classroom. Kaneki had asked Hide if he didn’t want to have lunch with his friends, but Hide said he wanted to give all of his attention to Kaneki, which made Kaneki’s cheeks a little pink.

Kaneki took a bite from his curry bread that Hide had bought him, chewing and swallowing it down. He adjusted his glasses a little.

‘’Well, my entrée wasn’t the best and with the small break, it felt like everyone was staring at me’’.

Hide hummed in return, leaning backwards on his hands. ‘’Class 2-b is not the best, I know. The guys there can be super intimidating. That’s why your class got Amon-san. He can keep control over those freaks.’’

Kaneki felt his stomach churn. Why would he, of all people, get into a class like that. There was no way that he would survive. He was going to die.

‘’What do you have next?’’

Kaneki went through his schedule that he had learned by heart, getting even more nervous when he came to know what would be next.

‘’Two hours P.E…’’

P.E. meant two things. One having to change clothes with the other guys in one room, and two, he had to depend on his physical power, that didn’t really exist.

‘’You’re gonna be fine, ‘Neki. Don’t think too much about it’’. Hide knew exactly how much Kaneki disliked P.E.

‘’You always do that. Thinking too much about something, and burying yourself with those thoughts. Who cares that you aren’t built like the average guys? It makes you you, right?’’

Kaneki looked at Hide, eyes widened of surprise, totally speechless. Kaneki had never thought about it like that.

‘’Hide, I-‘’

The bell rang, the lunch break had come to an end. Hide stood up and gave Kaneki a supporting pat between the shoulders. ‘’I’ll catch you later. Good luck with beating their asses!’’ and Hide ran off.

Kaneki stood up and walked towards his classroom, wondering how something like that could get out of Hide’s mouth. It was so… touching.

Kaneki went to one of the corners of the classroom, taking his stuff with him, still feeling all the eyes boring through him. He took of his glasses, not needed with P.E., and started taking his indoor shoes off. First the least difficult things, unzipping his trousers after that. He took his shorts, that were the same colour as the school sweater, as fast as possible to put it on. Taking off his blazer, pulling off his sweater, and then unbuttoning his button up shirt, Kaneki found it too quiet. As if everyone had stopped talking and was watching him like some television show. Kaneki stiffened with that thought, hands shaking too much to continue undoing his buttons.

_How pathetic, Ken._

_‘’You’re gonna be fine, ‘Neki. Don’t think too much about it’’_

Kaneki relaxed when thinking about what Hide had said only some time ago. He continued putting off his shirt, replacing it by a white Tee. Putting on his sneakers which were for P.E. and folded all of his clothing together to put it on his desk.

When he turned around from his corner, Kaneki saw that no one was looking at him. It was just his imagination. Kaneki sighed of relieve, quietly following the group when everyone was done.

Kaneki would never understand how someone could find fun in physically exhausting yourself. Like, he didn’t need to let all his energy out with sports, since he didn’t have any energy at all?

Everyone seemed to have fun while running outside over the sport field, Kaneki hobbling a bit behind the group.

_‘’Kaneki, I’ll leave you here if you don’t run faster!’’_

_‘’H-hah.. H-hi-hide I really ca-han’t… anymore..’’_

_‘’Look! There is an ice-cream car right over there! If you don’t hurry, your reward will leave, so come on!’’_

_That’s right. I need to run so I can get my reward, and with that_ , Kaneki sped up, catching up to half of the group, smiling because of no reason. Running past the guys who were in front, he smiled at them. Kaneki finally understood how people could find fun in sporting, he finally unders-

‘’And then you fainted?! Are you serious?’’

Kaneki was walking over the school terrain together with Hide, Hide heading to his club activities, and Kaneki to his dorm room. He could have some time for himself, since Tonozaki had club activities too.

Kaneki’s face was covered with plasters. He fell pretty much flat on his face, gaining some minor wounds. He pouted. ‘’Please don’t even begin about it’’. He had given his all, and more. It was too much for him.

‘’You could still do it, because you’re not as bony as when you were younger, right? You gained more fat, looking far more healthier’’.

Kaneki blushed. Hide always was more concerned about his health than Kaneki himself. ‘’Thanks, I think’’. Then something shot through Kaneki’s thoughts.

‘’Hide, do you know if this school has a library?’’

Hide hummed and rubbed his temples, deep in thought. ‘’Ah, yes. It’s the building left from us, but I think that no-..’’ and Kaneki had run off before Hide could finish his sentence.

The door was unlocked, so Kaneki could go in. He was met by a cloud of dust. Hide came running to him, and stopped next to him.

‘’But I think that no soul comes here to keep it neat’’, Hide finished his sentence. Kaneki stared into the dusty room, no light filling the small library. He walked further into the room. Half of the room was empty, only having two long tables for students who wanted to read here (and these students apparently didn’t exist), and a big desk for the librarian , who also was nowhere to be seen. The other half was on a higher level, stairs leading to the area. Kaneki walked up the four stair steps. Bookshelves filling the other half of the library. He walked next to some shelves, his fingertips caressing the spines of some books.

‘’Nothing here is even organized. Everything is mixed up, like the genres’’. Kaneki gave a sad smile. He would love to spend his time here, but how could he if this place looked like some abandoned haunted house? Hide was again next to him.

‘’If you’re suffering so much because of the state of this place, why don’t you clean it up? The school would appreciate it, I think. Hell, you could even become the librarian. If you really want it, I can help you in the weekends cleaning this place up’’.

Kaneki beamed up. ‘’Really, Hide? Would you do that for me?’’ It would really be nice to have this place all cleaned up, assuming there was no way to do his homework or just read in his room while Giant-san was there too.

‘’Definitely! I would even jump to the moon if that would make you happy. Well, that is a bit unrealistic, but you get my point’’.

He didn’t deserve someone like Hide. But maybe he can be selfish for once. ‘’Thank a lot, Hide! I really, really appreciate it. We can start this weekend if that’s not a problem?’’

Hide gave a small chuckle.’’Fine with me’’.

He really didn’t deserve him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing the P.E. anxiousness shitsu, I went for my own fellings for it and exaggerated it, hehe. 
> 
> Till next chapter!


	5. You saw it, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yet, another chapter.
> 
> Thanks for the support und enjoy

Tuesday was easy. After school, Hide lend Kaneki his bike to cycle to his workplace. When he arrived at Anteiku, He changed into his uniform that was readied for him. He had a shift together with Kirishima Touka, the girl he had bumped into. She was one year younger than him, but she could still scare the hell out of him. He was used to getting bossed around, but the way Kirishima did it, was new to him. He had to serve customers while she prepared the orders. She wouldn’t say it to Kaneki if he did anything wrong. She would just throw a death glare at him, which made him even more nervous than he already was.

She didn’t comment on his mutilated face, and he didn’t comment on her hairstyle that didn’t look practical to him, since her hair covered half of her face, together with half of her sight.

It wasn’t that busy, which made it easier for Kaneki to serve around. When he was cleaning and Kirishima was making sure that everything was ready for closure, she talked to him for the first time after their first meeting.

‘’You did pretty well, I guess’’. She didn’t look at him while getting out of character. Kaneki couldn’t do anything but smile genuinely and reply with “thank you”. She probably wasn’t that good with new people, just like Kaneki. She just hid her shyness on a… different way than Kaneki did.

Because of Hide not shutting up about it, Kaneki decided to attend the theatrics club activities on Thursday. He went into the room that was dedicated to the club for their activities. The room was big, dance-studio like. One corner was filled with props and costumes. The rest of the room was empty, having a lot of play space. There were about five people already in the clubroom, waiting for the whole group to arrive. There was a part of Kaneki that asked why there were pretty a lot of people in this club, since it wasn’t something he expected people on this school would find fun in? But again, he had only seen the people from his class, Hide and Tonozaki, and these people wouldn’t so easily be found in this club. Maybe that’s why he thought that everyone else here was like these… guys.

‘’Heya, Kaneki! Is that you?’’

Kaneki yelped when he got hit harshly on his lower back, but he knew it was well meant. When he turned around, he saw one of Hide’s friends grinning. It was the one with the piercings in his upper ears. He was as tall as Kaneki himself, having a soft caramel like hair colour.

_What.. was his name again?_

Damnit, Kaneki was really bad with names. Hide’s friend had probably seen that Kaneki had problems with speaking up, because he began again.

‘’I’m Hisami Touji, Hide’s friend. You remember?’’

Kaneki looked him into the eyes, which were patient looking just like Hide’s always were. ‘’Ah.. I remember, yes.’’ Kaneki tried to smile, probably looking really awkward.

‘’Bugger that you didn’t get into our class’’, Hisami led Kaneki out of the way of the door way. ‘’Heard that you got into 2-b instead. That’s not the best, I guess. If I only look at these people, I already feel like I should go and hide into some cave’’.

Hisami laughed, but Kaneki couldn’t really find anything to laugh about in what he just had said.

‘’But you seem to do fine, so it can’t be that bad, right?’’

Hisami was right with that. Kaneki could make himself fit into the group after some days. And with that he meant that he was completely invisible, no one bothering to talk to him, which was a good thing. Kaneki didn’t think that he and someone from his class could have a proper talk together anyway.

‘’I haven’t had any problems yet, and I think the other weeks won’t be a problem’’.

‘’Are you here to look if this club is something for you? I think I’ve heard Hide saying something about you wanting to join and great talent, and more stuff. You know how he can get when he starts talking. No stop to it’’.

Kaneki got a bit red when Hisami mentioned Hide calling him a ‘great talent’. ‘’Yes, but I don’t really have talent for this, so don’t expect to get flabbergasted, please’’. Kaneki gave a hesitating chuckle.

‘’I will walk you through it, so don’t be scared. Hide will kill me if you feel uncomfortable’’.

‘’Thank you Hisami-sa-‘’

‘’You can call me Tou-kun, no need for being formal to me’’.

Kaneki understood why Hisami was Hide’s friend. They were so alike.

‘’Thank you Tou-kun’’.

Kaneki walked with Hisami to where the others were seating on the floor.

The group consisted of nine people. They did the average stuff what a drama slash theatrics club did. Little improvisation games that varied. It was nice to watch everyone being so passionate in every move they made and every line they came up with. But watching didn’t last forever. Kaneki got pulled onto the play floor and had to join the games. At first it was scary, not knowing what everyone would think about him, but after some time, Kaneki could feel this was one of the few things he could enjoy.

‘’So, will you join the club?’’. Hisami had come to Kaneki after the activities had finished. The time went by pretty quickly, and Kaneki felt a tad of disappointment when it was time to stop. He was just getting into it!

‘’Yes, I think I will join. I really enjoyed what we did today’’. It wasn’t a lie. Kaneki had a lot of fun. He didn’t know he had it in him to get so much into it, that eventually he would lose himself, not caring anymore about what everyone else thought about him. It was one of the best feelings.

Before Hisami walked out of the room, Kaneki stopped him.

‘’Hisami-s-‘’

‘’What have I said about being formal, man?’’

Kaneki struggled for one moment to get to what he wanted to say. ‘’Oh.. uh, Tou-kun, then. Tou-kun, on which days are the club activities?’’

‘’Those will be on Monday, Thursday and Friday. Rest of the week you are off. Make sure you’re on time, though I don’t think you’re the kind of guy that comes late. Don’t die and see yah tomorrow!’’

With that, Hisami walked through the doorway and disappeared. Kaneki couldn’t wait to do this all again. He left some minutes later, staying to look around the room a bit.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
‘’Ids gwead dath ‘ou likd id’’, Hide could already see Kaneki’s annoyed face before he looked up from his meal. He swallowed his food and looked at Kaneki.

_Yes, there it is. The face._

‘’It’s great that you liked it’’, he repeated. ‘’Now you’ve something next to your books that give everyone nightmares except for you’’.

Kaneki seemed to be a little touched by it, and then realizing that it was true, returning to his annoyed expression because Hide couldn’t wait with talking until his mouth was empty. ‘’I was surprised that it fit me, but I’m happy. Everyone was nice there’’.

He played a bit with his food, Hide noticing that Kaneki hadn’t eaten that much since they had begun to eat. For damn’s sake, that kid hadn’t eaten that much since he had arrived here. It was better than it was the time that Kaneki almost had starved himself to death, but it still weren’t the right amounts a healthy guy their age was supposed to eat. Hide had to keep in mind that he should pay attention to Kaneki’s eating habits.

Kaneki snapped him out of his thoughts. ‘’You haven’t told me that Tou-kun is in the theatrics club, why not?’’

‘’Ah, yes, I kinda forgot’’, Hide chuckled. ‘’And I thought it would scare you off if you knew that one of my friends would be there too, since you didn’t look that comfortable during the first meeting. But I see that it didn’t lead to any problems, so that’s good’’.

‘’Why would I get scared because of your frie-… okay you’re right’’. Hide looked down, mouth twitching upwards. ‘’By the way, we are still going to clean up the library Saturday, right?’’

Hide snapped his up again. ‘’Yes, definitely! It will be done before you know it if we do it together, just wait and see!’’

‘’Kaneki, we’re never going to finish this before we pass away’’.

Hide and Kaneki had started early that Saturday morning, since Kaneki had a work shift that afternoon and they wanted to be done before that. That would be impossible though. First they had to put all the books, pamphlets and more into boxes, Kaneki wanting to order them on genre and alphabetic order. Then they had put all the furniture out, getting rid of all the dust and, to Hide’s disgust, mold. They were done with that. It had taken six hours, but they were done with that. The only thing that was left was putting everything back to where it belongs.

Hide didn’t feel like doing it anymore, he was exhausted. He already had early morning training that would make him tired rather than energetic, and now this.

‘’We will finish it! I believe in it’’.

Hide was sitting on a box that they had placed outside the library. ‘’Kaneki, look at me. It’s super cold outside, but I’m sweating like it’s midsummer!’’ Hide had indeed worked himself into sweat. His shirt was soaked from all the lifting. Kaneki did most of the cleaning, since the boxes were too heavy for him. Hide would do it for him though. He would do everything. But continuing with this wasn’t on the list of everything today.

‘’I’m gonna get something to drink. Do you want somethin’?’’

Kaneki hummed. ‘’I’d like some orange juice, if you don’t mind’’.

 _Adorable, getting all formal with me_ , and Hide went off, fantasizing about something that was better to be not said out loud. It was weird, it happened a lot these days. Hide didn’t give any extra thoughts about it.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
Kaneki was sitting on one of the long tables, waiting for Hide to come back. He knew that he was asking a lot from his friend, but he per se wanted to finish everything today. He had a lot of difficulty doing homework in his own room, since Tonozaki’s friends were always there. Sometimes Kaneki thought they did it on purpose, to bother Kaneki. When he tried to concentrate on his notes, his friends would talk about him, insulting him. It made him think about other people. People he definitely wanted to forget. He would love to have a place for himself as soon as possible.

Looking at his feet that were swinging above the ground, he heard someone walking towards him.

‘’Hide, if we continue as soon as possible, we can finish as s-‘’

The man who now stood in front of him was definitely not Hide. This man was tall (Again, where did all these giants come from), had purple hair and looked like a model with the expression on his face. Kaneki could only look at him.

‘’Bonjour, mon garçon. Comment ça va?’’

Kaneki opened his mouth to let out the dumbest reply ever.

‘’Whatte whitte whatte?’’

The man chuckled a bit, but on a charming way. Kaneki honestly didn’t know what to think about it, about him.

‘’I asked how you are today. It’s lovely to see that finally someone a heart to clean such a beautiful place. It made me sad every day I would walk past this library. Literature shouldn’t be taken care of like this, abandoned, forgotten.’’

_Hey, the bull crap that he’s babbling carries a truth._

Kaneki looked the man in the eyes, which were shining with passion and something that Kaneki couldn't name. ‘’I think so too. I thought no one at this place would actually care about good literature, but I was wrong.’’

The man took Kaneki’s hand and, oh, he kissed it. It made Kaneki blush.

_Is he from Europe or something? Must be it. There are things like this… normal._

‘’My name is Tsukiyama Shuu, class 3-C. May I ask this beauty his name?’’

_No, this is not normal in Europe either. He is definitely hitting on me… Not that I don’t like it or something.._

‘’Ah-h, I’m Kaneki Ken, class 2-b. P-pleased to meet you’’.

Tsukiyama let go of his hand and looked at the boxes. ‘’Are you doing this all by yourself?’’

Kaneki jumped off the table. ‘’No, that would be a disaster. My friend is helping me out, but he is getting something to drink.’’

Speaking of the devil, Hide came running with some water bottle and a packet drink with orange juice.

“Kaneki~!”

Kaneki walked to his friend, getting his orange juice. ‘’I couldn’t decide if I should get you a bottle or a packet drink, so it took a little longer’’, Hide leaned his hands on his knees, trying to calm down from all the running.

‘’Hide, we should continue if we want to finish this’’.

‘’Avec moi, if you don’t mind. I’ve nothing on my schedule right now and I want to help with bringing such an important place back to life’’.

Kaneki beamed up, a big smile on his face. ‘’Really? Will you help us? That would be so much easier. Thank you, really thank you!’’

Kaneki turned to Hide. ‘’Did you hear that Hide?! Now, we really will be done before we know it, just like you said.’’

‘’Ah-hah’’.

Then Kaneki saw it. Something he had never seen in Hide’s eyes. It only lasted for one second. He didn’t know if he was correct, but if he was, he just had seen a tiny spark of something he indeed had never seen flashing in Hide’s eyes.

_Jealousy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it will finally begin to become interesting.  
> Way to go Nikki.
> 
> I love the idea of Kaneki in a theatrics club, and since it's sort of canon, I liked to put it into the story. I have Drama lessons myself too. 
> 
> The French stuff that I used here all comes from some dark corner in my brain. I used to have French classes, but I dropped it because French is difficult as hell. 
> 
> If you're really curious, Translation of 'Bonjour, mon garçon. Comment ça va' = 'Hello, my boy. How are you'  
> Translation of 'avec moi' = 'with me'
> 
> Till next chapter!


	6. Don't look that way, please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahah more.
> 
> Enjoy!

Hide knew this man. Tsukiyama Shuu, son of Tsukiyama Mirumo, alliance of the Washuu family. Hide’s official family. They had encountered each other once or twice in their younger years, before Hide fled with his mother to the little town where he had met Kaneki. Both families were big in the underworld of the yakuza, a world Hide didn’t want to belong to. Even if he had only really talked to him once, Hide knew Tsukiyama wasn’t more than a nasty deceiver, using people for his own advantage. The problem: Kaneki was smiling like he only ever did because of Hide. But this time it wasn’t because of Hide, it was Tsukiyama.

Kaneki never really had friends besides Hide, so he wasn’t used to Kaneki reacting like that to people. Except for Kaneki’s mother, who could make him smile like that too. But that was absolutely different from this. Hide felt an unfamiliar pang in his abdomen, like someone had thrown a ball into it, really damn hard.

When he saw that Kaneki was staring at him, he recovered quickly and laughed it off, hiding the shitty feeling somewhere where no one could find it. ‘’Ah.. uh, Kaneki! We definitely will finish it now’’. He turned towards Tsukiyama. ‘’Thanks a bunch, Tsukiyama-san’’.

Hide could see that Tsukiyama had recognized him too. Not only from the random encounters in the hallways of this school, but also from way before that. He smirked.

_Don’t think you can involve me in your dirty games, Tsukiyama._

‘’It’s a pleasure to help you two out, Nagachika-kun’’. They looked into each other eyes, faking the pleasure of being with each other. Kaneki seemed oblivious to all of this.

‘’You two know each other?’’

‘’Yes, we do’’. Both looked at Kaneki while answering in unison.

‘’Oh, that’s good then. Let’s get to work now!’’

Tsukiyama was bringing all the boxes with books back to the platform where all the bookshelves were situated, Kaneki and Hide sorting all books and more out and putting them on their belonged places in the shelves. There was a part of Hide that was relieved that he was sorting this with Kaneki instead of Tsukiyama on his place. He didn’t trust him at all.

After a while, Tsukiyama asked Hide to help him with carrying all the furniture and putting them on the right place. They were busy with one of the long, heavy, tables, when Tsukiyama suddenly spoke up.

‘’Cute piece of prey you’ve found, Nagachika-kun’’.

Hide was disturbed by how Tsukiyama called Kaneki. ‘’Tsukiyama-san, you know that there are people on earth who actually care about others, and not only about themselves?’’. Hide’s face hurt because of the fake smile he had to put on the whole time. They put the table on its place. Tsukiyama walked, more like creeped, in Hide’s direction.

‘’Don’t worry. Soon, you won’t have to ‘care’ anymore’’.

Hide looked Tsukiyama into the eyes, threatening. He tried to come as close as he could to the purple haired man’s face, still not coming close because of the height difference between them.

‘’Don’t you fucking dare touch Kaneki, you jerk’’, Hide almost said soundless, but still sharp. Tsukiyama could do nothing but smirk that reminded Hide of the cat from Alice in Wonderland. He walked past Hide, as if he was nothing.

‘’Kaneki-kun, I will help you ordering the books’’, and he walked to Kaneki. Hide heard a happy ‘’Thank you’’. Hide was left alone with chairs that yet had to be placed.

   
  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

   
‘’Kaneki-kun, I will help you ordering the books’’.

Kaneki looked up and saw Tsukiyama kneeling next to him. As much as Kaneki loved to go through all the books, sorting everything out still was a pain in the ass. They were so lucky that there were more hands to help. Kaneki smiled.

‘’Thank you’’.

Together they made stacks of books, sometimes talking about one of the novels that came across and one of them was familiar with. They seemed to have the same taste for literature, although Tsukiyama had read more novels that were from abroad. Tsukiyama took a particular book, looking at it.

“Life's great happiness is to be convinced we are loved’’. Kaneki looked up from his sorting work when Tsukiyama spoke with a soft, caring voice. ‘’Lés Miserables, Victor Hugo’’, he continued when Kaneki didn’t say anything. ‘’The wretched, to translate it roughly. One of my favourite novels from abroad’’. Tsukiyama gave Kaneki the book, looking straight into his eyes.

There was passion written all over his face. Kaneki had seen it on Hide’s face a few times too, but this was different.

_Why?_

Suddenly realising how close the two were, Kaneki backed away a little, face becoming red. ‘’Kaneki-kun, there is no reason to become embarrassed with me’’. Tsukiyama stood up and picked up a few stacks to put them into shelves. Kaneki got back to the sorting, flustered all over.

 

‘’Finally! We’re done’’. Hide stretched his body, Kaneki looking at him. ‘’Hide, you say it like we would die if we had to work one second more’’.

Hide sighed overdramatically. ‘’We would, though’’. Kaneki laughed because of Hide’s silly reactions. ‘’Oh, Kaneki do you need my bike for later to get to your work? I can also bring you, I still need to get someth-‘’

‘’That won’t be necessary’’, Tsukiyama got Kaneki’s attention by interrupting Hide. ‘’I’ve got my car parked here, and I could bring you, Kaneki-kun. Thereby, I would like you to show me your working place where you’ve been so enthusiastic about’’.

Kaneki looked at Hide, then at Tsukiyama. ‘’Hide, I don’t want you to have to cycle hill up with me in addition’’, Kaneki didn’t really know what to expect from Hide’s side.

‘’Maybe another time, okay?’’

There it is again. The yellowish green feeling called jealousy.

But Hide shook it off, Kaneki supposed it was his thing. ‘’No, don’t mind it Kaneki. I will see you tonight at dinner, kay? Have fun working even more’’. With that, Hide waved him goodbye and run off.

There was a slight second that Kaneki asked himself if he should ask Hide if there was something wrong, or at least worry a bit about him.

_But Hide is Hide. Nothing strange about him acting kind of weird, right?_

‘’We should go, Kaneki-kun’’. Kaneki got dragged out of his thoughts, an arm around his shoulders leading him to the garage of the school where Kaneki didn’t know the existence of. Should he back off? He didn’t know if he really liked it, the intimate contact. But maybe this was the reason why he didn’t have many friends. Because of him backing off from most people, maybe they would see it as total rejection. So maybe Kaneki should just stay like this, not scaring Tsukiyama off. It wasn’t like he totally disliked it, so.

Today, he had his shift together with a guy called Nishio Nishiki. He was equally scary as Kirishima. The difference: Nishiki told him when he did something not to his liking, pretty harsh too. Kaneki still had to decide what he found worse. Getting scolded in a hard way or dead glares?

Tsukiyama found himself a place in one of the corners of Anteiku, reading some book he had brought with him. Kaneki was cleaning cups, Nishiki serving. It wasn’t busy, so Kaneki could practise making coffee without the pressure of impatient customers. He felt sorry for the people who had to taste his first creations. Everyone had to sacrifice something at least once, right?

When his shift and the day was almost done, Nishiki came to stand next to Kaneki. ‘’Oi, you know that purple haired guy, he’s sitting there since your shift has started’’. Kaneki had to look first, noticing that Nishiki was talking about Tsukiyama. ‘’Ah, that’s Tsukiyama Shuu. He is attending the same school as me and he wanted to see the place where I work’’. Kaneki didn’t know why, but the thought of someone being so concerned about him and only knowing him for so long made him smile.

‘’I know who that is’’, Nishiki almost grimaced while saying that. ‘’He was a second year when I was a senior. That guy was popular with both girls and guys. Very shady, too’’. Kaneki was a bit surprised with the last thing that Nishiki had summed up. Popular, okay. He could have expected that since, well, he was not ugly. Far from that, even. But shady? Nishiki probably had his reasons to think that about Tsukiyama, but it just didn’t really.. fit. For Kaneki, Tsukiyama was passionate about everything he talked about, cleverly making up sentences that almost sounded like poetry.

‘’You went to Fukuzawa?’’

Kaneki tried to change the subject since the last one didn’t really make him comfortable. Nishiki hummed. ‘’Yeah, I graduated last year. Fun time, there’’. Kaneki could sense that Nishiki wasn’t really in a mood to talk, so they continued with finishing up everything in silence.

On the way back in the car, Kaneki asked Tsukiyama about his family, hobbies and interests apart from reading. The man was apparently from an important and wealthy family. It wasn’t that big of a surprise, since his aura around him literally screamed ‘rich’. He came off really intelligent with his flower language.

When they arrived, Kaneki could only think _how is this guy shady?_ Tsukiyama was the role model for every gentleman wannabe. Was that weird to think? But like he had done almost the whole day now, Kaneki shoved the thought away like it was nothing.

Tsukiyama brought Kaneki to his dorm room, even if he had said that it was fine like a thousand times, Tsukiyama swore to himself he would make sure that he would arrive in his room save and sound.

‘’This is it, thank you for the ride and walking me to my room’’. Ugh, this was almost like one of those date ending scenarios in the western movies that he had watched with Hide.

Then something shot through his mind. ‘’Oh, I’m not supposed to be here! I promised Hide to meet him in the canteen for dinner. Sorry for that’’.

Tsukiyama’s lips turned slightly down, then up again. ‘’Don’t mind it, Kaneki-kun. Yet, I don’t want this to be our last time together. Can we meet up again at the library if that’s no problem with you?’’

He didn’t see any problems in that, so he agreed to meet up the next day again. He waved Tsukiyama goodbye, and went to the canteen.

_‘’N-no, I.. I didn’t do it’’_

_‘’I-I-I’m not a-a killer..’’_

_‘’PLEASE D-DON’T MAKE ME A KILLER!!’’_

 

_His own sniffling overrules the murmuring of the two man that came to take him away. They nod and take both one arm of him and lift him up, taking him into darkness._

 

 

_‘’Kaneki ken, cause of the murder of both of his parents. Found at the crime scene. Yet searching for information about the reason’’._

_A no-face in front of him is reading everything it’s saying from a paper. ‘’Take him to the youth department’’. He gets shoved towards a hole of darkness again._

_‘’You fucking bastard, killing your own blood’’. Other boys push him against a wall. ‘’Did you lose your tongue? Say something, you shithead!’’_

_A kick into his stomach, followed by a fist on the same place._

_Punch on his face. For how long can his legs still carry him? He doesn’t know._

_Punch. Kick. More kicks. Pull. Push. Black._

_Safe. He is safe in his own room._

_Or at least he thinks so._

_He hears a door opening. Seconds later he gets shoved to the ground._

_Ah, he knows what is going to happen next. It had already happened so many times._

_It was because he was the most fragile compared to the others. He doesn’t struggle._

_Now, he doesn’t struggle too._

_Even when the two guards come closer. Even when hands begin pulling his clothes off. Even when the same hands are touching him everywhere._

_Even when… Even when._

_He doesn’t even know if he will ever counteract._

_But even though he doesn’t struggle or anything, he still let them hear his voice._

_Screaming out of humiliation._

_Screaming._

_‘’Shut up, you dirty murderer’’._

_Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it st-_

 

‘’Shut the fuck up Kaneki!’’

A pillow thrown at his face got him out of his dream, or rather nightmare. Kaneki tried to find out where the pillow came from, coming to know it was Tonozaki. Apparently, Kaneki looked like he’d seen a ghost, because Tonozaki said when he saw his face, ‘’You look like you’ve seen a ghost’’.

Kaneki threw the pillow back for Tonozaki to catch it. ‘’I-it’s nothing. I’m fine, really. Just… just a nightmare’’. Tonozaki growled a little and turned away from Kaneki, trying to get his precious sleep back.

Kaneki on the other hand, didn’t dare to close an eye for the rest of the night.

‘’Sorry, but you look like shit’’.

Hide was sitting in front of Kaneki eating his breakfast. Kaneki rolled his eyes, not really wanting to talk about what his head had let him re-experience that night.

‘’That’s precisely how I feel’’.

‘’Rough night’’.

‘’Pretty much, yeah’’.

‘’Wanna go to Anteiku today to talk about it?’’

Hide looked at Kaneki with eyes full of expectation.

‘’Sorry Hide. I already agreed with Tsukiyama-san to go study today, and I don’t really feel like talking’’.

Hide must have taken that a little too personal. He coughed a bit to interrupt the silence between them. ‘’Kaneki..’’

Kaneki was startled by Hide’s dark undertone. That was unusual. ‘’You know that guy since, like, yesterday? Don’t you think you’re pretty much clinging on him?’’

_What?_

Hide wasn’t someone who could work on his nerves, well usually not, but that comment annoyed Kaneki to say the least. ‘’Isn’t that what I’ve done with you since the day we met, Hide?’'

Giving a fast disturbed glance to Hide, Kaneki stood up and left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some days ago, I was watching the news, and something that almost made me cry came across. It was about some youth prison in Australia (I think) that abused the boys who were there. There were like videos from guards who literally shoved a kid to the ground and began to sexual abuse him. 
> 
> Today I thought ''Hey, let's put it in my story!''  
> I thought it would come over more realistic if it was something that really is happening.
> 
> But okay.
> 
> I turned Tsukiyama into a real asshole, yes.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and till the next one!


	7. Keep looking this way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! Next chapter.
> 
> I'm going away for 2 weeks and I don't know if it has any effect on the update stuff, but I'll try to update this every two days.
> 
> Enjoy

   
‘’No, don’t mind it Kaneki. I will see you tonight at dinner, kay? Have fun working even more’’. Hide waved Kaneki goodbye and turned his back towards the other two, running off.

 

_Fuck fuck fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck, FUCK._

Hide put his face in his pillow, trying to prevent the screams of frustration to come out. It was after dinner, and Hide went straight to bed afterwards. Kaneki looked a little too happy to Hide’s annoyance.

Why did, out of everyone, this one guy have to interrupt his peaceful life? And why did Kaneki not see how fucked up this one guy actually was? Hide knew from the moment he saw Tsukiyama that this wasn’t good. He knew Tsukiyama. He would cling to one particular person, sucking out their soul until there was nothing left, abandoning them and moving to the next one. It was absolutely sickeningly.

Hide was going to do everything to not let this happen to Kaneki. He swore it on his mother’s grave ( _sorry mom_ ).

Yet, protecting Kaneki wasn’t the only reason why Hide wanted to keep that purple haired guy away from his friend. There was also something with wanting Kaneki for himself.

Selfish? Maybe.

He couldn’t do anything about it, though. He didn’t know he was like this since, like, today? It was always just Kaneki and him, no one in between. Hide had friends beside Kaneki, but he spent most of his time with the bookworm. He always had him for himself, never needing to share. Okay, maybe he could share, but not with that shit of a Tsukiyama.

‘’Arrghh!’’

The growl was muted by the pillow, Hide kicking his legs up and down on the bed like a spoiled child that for once didn’t get what he wanted.

_Pathetic._

He sighed. It was only for the best, right? It was normal to want to protect your friend. Wanting to keep him for himself was… normal. It was normal to want to have your best friend always next to you. It was normal to want to make him smile, because those were the best. It was normal to want to.. to touch him every time they were together?

Just a simple touch, like bumping shoulders with each other, or sitting so close that their legs would touch. Touches, like a thump against a cheek. A hand on a thigh, or skin to skin. That would be nice. Very nice..

_Shit._

_I need to stop doing this_ , he scolded himself when he felt his problem painfully straining against the bed. Well, it was always a great thing that Hide had a room for himself, but for these kind of situations, it was even greater.

 _I'm just a perverted teenager, like anyone else_.

 

‘’Sorry, but you look like shit’’.

He did. Light purple bags were showing under his grey eyes. He looked pale too. In the past, Kaneki was always like that when he had put an all-nighter to finish one of his books. For some reason, Hide knew this wasn’t the case at all this time.

Kaneki rolled his eyes. Damn, he was really not in a good mood. ‘’That’s precisely how I feel’’. Even though Kaneki’s expression hissed ‘Don’t talk to me’, Hide continued, curious about the reason why he looked like some zombie.

‘’Rough night?’’

‘’Pretty much, yeah’’.

‘’Wanna go to Anteiku today to talk about it?’’

Now it was his turn to have Kaneki. Too. Fucking. Bad, Tsukiyama.

‘’Sorry Hide. I already agreed with Tsukiyama-san to go study today, and I don’t really feel like talking’’.

Too. Fucking. Bad, Hide.

This wasn’t going so well, huh? If Hide could just warn Kaneki for Tsukiyama, everything would be fine. But if he did, there would be questions. Questions about why he was so sure about Tsukiyama being a bad person. That wouldn’t be good at all. Maybe Kaneki wouldn’t even believe him. No, warning wasn’t an option. There had to be another way to keep Kaneki from Tsukiyama though…

‘’Kaneki..’’

Hide got scared of how his own voice sounded with that dark undertone, but he had to get Kaneki’s attention. Kaneki was startled and looked into his eyes, getting what he wanted. ‘’You know that guy since, like, yesterday? Don’t you think you’re pretty much clinging on him?’’

No, that was far from a good move. This was a really bad move. Real smooth, Hide. He could see how annoyed Kaneki was with him at the moment. He turned his face to his breakfast and sighed. ‘’Isn’t that what I’ve done with you since the day we met, Hide?’’

He gave his last glance to Hide, stood up and left.

Whoa, this had never happened before. Since when could Kaneki get all cocky? Well, maybe he should just let it rest and wait until Kaneki would see the truth himself, turn away from Tsukiyama, and get back to his beloved friend. Was that creepy to think?

Yeah, he should definitely give it a rest.

   
~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
The week had gone by quickly. After school he would either go to his club activities or study with Tsukiyama in his, no one else came there so he could call it ‘his’, library. In the evening he worked his shift and came back before dinner time. For the first time in what felt like forever, he was leading a peaceful life.

After their little argument (could he even call it an argument), Hide didn’t show up a lot. They still walked together in the hallways and ate breakfast and dinner together, but something seemed… off. He had distanced himself. Which worried him a little.

‘’Maybe he thinks you need your space after all these years’’

Kaneki is sitting with Tsukiyama in the library, drinking some tea from the kettle Tsukiyama had brought somewhere in this week. Kaneki had explained what was bothering him since the other had asked for it. He trusted Tsukiyama. The two had spent some time together this week, and Kaneki came to know that Tsukiyama was a great person to talk with.

‘’Why would he think that? I didn’t do anything to make him think like that’’. Kaneki thought hard once more. There wasn’t anything great that had happened to affect their relationship. ‘’If I may be rude for once, I want to speak my mind’’. He took a sip from his tea before continuing. ‘’I think Nagachika-kun wants to tell you something, but doesn’t know how to bring over the message. It will either be him thinking that you need some space, or he himself wanting some space, but doesn’t want to hurt you by just turning away from you’’.

Kaneki’s eyes widened and he almost choked in his tea. ‘’Wait, that can’t be it right? That isn’t like Hide at all’’, Kaneki disagreed. ‘’But you only know the ‘Hide’ you’ve been with? You don’t know him like I do, a, forgive for my word choice, selfish kid that has been spoiled too much. Who says that he hasn’t been pretending around you, hm?’’

Oh.

Wait, that couldn’t be true. He wouldn’t believe that, not yet. Hide was genuinely happy when they reunited, right? He didn’t see him as some fetter that he couldn’t get rid of. He cared about him and contrariwise, it was the same.

‘’Sorry Tsukiyama-san, but I can’t believe you’’. Kaneki didn’t look the other in the eyes, staring at his cooled tea. ‘’Then you don’t. I won’t force you into believing me, but know that if you ever need a shoulder, I will be there’’.

‘’That purple hair that waved you goodbye, is that your friend?’’

Kaneki looked up from his book. It was the day after he and Tsukiyama had talked. Even if he thought it couldn’t be it that Hide didn’t want to be with him anymore, he couldn’t stop asking himself ‘what if’. He didn’t come to the canteen that evening and this morning at the usual times he and Hide ate there. Kaneki didn’t know why, but it was probably better to avoid Hide as much as possible for the time being, at least until he knew what to do. He walked with Tsukiyama today, not wanting to go through the hallways alone.

People apparently had noticed it. His classmates usually didn’t talk to him, only if necessary. But now that a certain purple haired man was involved, his table was surrounded by his classmates.

‘’Well, yes, he is my friend’’, Kaneki said with a bit of hesitation. Why was that important?

He would never know, at least not now. His classmates looked at each other, and walked away from his desk.

‘’KANEKIII~!!’’

Hide ran towards Kaneki who was probably heading to his dorm room. Hide didn’t stop when he was only a few inches away from him, grabbing him by his shoulders and looking straight into his eyes.

‘’Where have you been? Have you been eating? Did you even go out, man?’’ Hide didn’t stop shaking him harshly.

‘’Hide’’. No reaction.

‘’HIDE STOP!’’ the shaking stopped. Kaneki waited for Hide to let him go before answering his questions.

‘’We’ve seen each other yesterday morning for the last time? Isn’t this a bit over the top?’’

Kaneki got a hug back as a reply. ‘’I didn’t know where you were, and hell it has been one day, but I don’t give a fucking shit. Just don’t disappear on me, okay?’’

Tsukiyama was definitely not right. If he would have been, Hide wouldn’t have searched for him. Kaneki felt relieved. He shouldn’t think too hard about it.

Okay, maybe he should have been thinking about for some longer. Hide didn’t keep his distance like he did previous week, but when Tsukiyama showed up, Hide was nowhere to be seen. Was he scared of him? Kaneki didn’t know the history between those two, but it couldn’t be all happy and great. He should ask him later.

   
~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

   
He was just walking to his dorm room after he had made up with Kaneki for whatever had to be made up, when he got roughly shoved against the wall. His back hurt from the smack, groaning because of the dull pain that was caused by the tight grip on his shoulder. That grip belonged to no other than Tsukiyama.

Hide looked around him. There was no one else to be seen, damnit. He tried to get the hand that was pushing him against the wall off him, only failing and getting even more weight on his poor shoulder.

_Yikes, this is going to be some serious bruise._

‘’What d’you want from me, Tsukiyama?’’ He got a grin back as a reply. ‘’Nothing’’. He then made a face like he was thinking. ‘’Oh, wait. Actually, there is something’’. The hand that wasn’t occupied with pushing Hide against the wall, ran slowly towards his throat, putting pressure there too. ‘’Can you stop playing your fucking games with me and just disappear?’’

Hide tried to gasp for oxygen. ‘’Wh’t r you tr’ing to say?’’ He tried to look threatening, but he knew he would never be that to Tsukiyama.

Tsukiyama chuckled. ‘’What would you say about this. If you don’t try to cockblock me to protect your precious friend, I will not tell your dear father about what you have, or rather haven’t been doing since you’re here at school?’’

‘’Wh’t th fck r you plannin’, asshol’?’’

Hide started to kick around, and Tsukiyama finally let him go. He immediatally gasped to fill his lungs with air. When he looked up, he saw Tsukiyama with the most threatening expression he had ever seen.

_This face can get into the Guinness book of world records. Most terrifying face ever made._

‘’Nagachika, I give you a chance to choose. Choose wisely’’.

Tsukiyama turned away and walked to his room, that was unfortunately next to Hide’s. When he was sure Tsukiyama would stay into his room, Hide ran into his own, shutting the door and locking it.

He was absolutally terrified. How did Tsukiyama know what Hide was doing? Did he know about his shady meetings with Yumisaki? If he knew, it could only be a second and Hide would be dead. It was his life, or Kaneki’s. That was what Tsukiyama made him choose.

Hide kicked against his desk. He pulled his hair. Kicked more things, and paced around. No, it would not go like this. Hide didn’t want it, and if there was something Hide didn’t want, he would do everything to prevent that something from happening.

What were the options? Think, Hide. Think. The only way to make ‘his dad knowing he didn’t follow his orders’ not a problem, was immigrating to another country. That could always be his last opportunity to get out of this shit. Let’s keep it on the possibility list.

Now Kaneki. How could he protect Kaneki from Tsukiyama if he couldn’t even get close to him? He should stay away in the meantime, until his plan of escaping was complete. Yes, he would escape. After he had put Kaneki out danger zone, he would exit this country.

Kaneki would still be a difficult one. Maybe it was better to be there with him instead of staying away for the whole time. He just needed to be nowhere to be found if Tsukiyama was near Kaneki.

That night, Hide spent his time behind his laptop finding out how to make false passports.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, I don't even make sense to myself.


	8. I didn't look good enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!  
> Sorry that I'm late but it has been a busy week and I didn't have time to upload T-T
> 
> Thanks for showing your support and enjoy!

November, two weeks later.

 

It was cold. Everyone stayed inside as much as possible. Everyone had their lunch breaks in their own classroom, no one wanting to stay outside for too long. The hallways of the school were cold too. Akira had started a ‘save the environment’ project at school, which meant that the heaters would be turned as low as possible.

Kaneki ken still spent his lunches on the stairs, but the blonde had been replaced by a purple haired man. This man had been on Kaneki’s side for most of the time. It was nice, having something else as companion. This certain man, Tsukiyama Shuu, was lovely to talk with. When Kaneki told him that he was wrong about Hide, Tsukiyama apologized for saying incorrect things about his friend. It was like he really felt guilty. Kaneki respected that side of the man. Being brave enough to confront and admit your mistakes. But even with this man by his side, Kaneki didn’t feel okay.

Throughout the weeks, Hide had been acting more weird by the day. And with weird he meant the attitude Hide had that was absolutely not Hide-like. Hide was with him when Tsukiyama was not, and when Tsukiyama was with him, Hide was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was really scared of Tsukiyama. Kaneki didn’t know, but what he did know was that this had to do with Tsukiyama.

‘’That is the bell, my dear’’. Tsukiyama apparently loved to give Kaneki pet names. For now, Kaneki decided to play the other’s game. It couldn’t be that bad. Only the unnecessary amount of touching worked on his nerves. ‘’Ah, I will see you after school’’. Kaneki walked away from him, but of course he got followed by the older one. ‘’I will walk you to your class, Kaneki-kun’’. What did he want to achieve? Was it Kaneki himself that he wanted? He really didn’t have any clue. 

Oh, and there was something else what had changed. His classmates had seen him as nothing more than a mere desk these weeks, always avoiding contact. Kaneki didn’t mind, everything was okay if he could just live in peace. Now, it had changed. He didn’t know if it had anything to do with him (he couldn’t think of something that he had done what could have annoyed them) or that they just needed a new source of entertainment.

He stared at his desk, covered with smudges of ink and sticky notes. This was what the dark haired boy found every day since, a week ago? Words and sentences like ‘faggot’ or ‘go die’, ‘no one gives a shit about you’ were written on either his desk or the sticky notes. He would have to clean it up after school. Kaneki sighed. He really hated the smell of that stuff that he used to scrub the ink off his desk table.

_Don’t make them think you care, Ken._

He just sat down and took his books out of his bag, as if there was nothing wrong. Oh boy, school was so much fun.

Hide got him out of his classroom as soon as the bell had rung. Kaneki had asked him to do so, since he didn’t feel like eating with his classmates who saw him as some kind of prey. ‘physical bullying’ was what came along with the breaks these days. Amon was absent in the classroom during the lunchbreaks, so Things like grabbing his books, throwing them to the other side of the classroom. Sometimes some ‘accidentally’ bumping into him so hard that he has to avoid falling with his face on the floor, again. Shoving food into his face because he had nothing else to eat most of the time and they ‘sympathized’ with him, was also not uncommon. To conclude, there were enough reasons for spending as little time as possible in that classroom.

Kaneki took his coat with him, since it was cold in the hallways. Not that he really needed a coat with him only for that small distance between his dorm building and the main building, he just brought it for these kind of occasions. He walked to the hallway, heading to one of the stairs where they always had lunch together. 

‘’You didn’t buy something at the canteen this morning again? Kaneki, you have to take better care of yourself’’.

Hide gave half of his sandwich to Kaneki, not accepting any kinds of excuses. He took it and nodded as a thank you. Hide still was distant towards him, and questions still nagged on his brain. ‘’Hide..’’

Hide swallowed what was still in his mouth. ‘’What is it?’’

‘’Is there a possibility that…’’ Was it rude to ask? What if Hide didn’t want to tell him? But you’ve got to make sure that he’s fine. Kaneki gulped.

‘’Is there a possibility that.. that you’re scared of Tsukiyama-san for some reason? You always try to get away as fast as possible if he comes close to you’’.

Kaneki looked at Hide, who was looking a tad paler than before Kaneki had asked him his questions. Even without an answer from Hide’s side, he knew that it was the case.

There was something that Hide was scared of, and that something was Tsukiyama himself or something Tsukiyama would do to him for whatever reason. _Did something happen between th-_

‘’Salut, mon ami’’.

_There he is again._

‘’What are you doing here out in the cold?’’

Hide stood up. ‘’Sorry, ‘Neki. I still have to kick Kokonoe’s ass for skipping duty yesterday’’. A small chuckle came out of his mouth. 

‘’Ça c’est dommage. Well, we will see you later, Nagachika-kun’’.

Then he saw it. While Tsukiyama was waving Hide off, there was an expression on his face that gave away that he was utterly happy that Hide decided to go. It was, like a mother that was protecting her cub from danger. 

No, that wasn’t it. Kaneki could understand now why Hide didn’t dare to come close to Tsukiyama. Kaneki was looking at a wolf that was claiming his meat from other hunters. A superior that would kill if anyone stepped into his territory. This was only the case with Hide. Why? Well, it was almost obvious that Hide felt.. threatened? Tsukiyama must have threatened him. To stay away from.. him.

He finally understood that Tsukiyama wasn’t flirty by nature, he was trying to win him. He didn’t know why. Why would someone want him? 

Was he planning to claim Kaneki as his own? His eyes widened. What would he do? What was he going to do? What was he going to do? What was he goi-

_Oh._

He had a plan. Kaneki adjusted his glasses, blinked once, twice, and met with Tsukiyama’s eyes, which were uncomfortably close to his. 

_This is going to be so stupid._

Kaneki leaned his head on Tsukiyama’s shoulder. He could see him grinning when he put his hand on Kaneki’s head, going through it. 

‘’Tsukiyama-san...’’

This was for the best.

________________

 

_Run, run, run, run… Jump!_

Hide landed on the mat and tried to keep his balance, failed and fell on his butt. Someone noted his distance while he was standing up. ‘’You’re not really into it today, Nagachika’’. Yeah, duh. He couldn’t focus after Kaneki asked him if he was scared. He couldn’t keep this up. This constant running away. Kaneki wasn’t stupid. He would notice it if he kept continuing playing his part. Hide would be confused too if someone ran away like a little bitch every time another someone came to view. 

‘’Sorry, I’m okay now’’, he apologized to his senpai. Some guys that were watching from afar in the gym, were laughing. Hide felt embarrassed. He didn’t sleep a lot either. That was also a reason why he couldn’t focus. He pulled out all-nighters to get information for his genius plan to escape his family. He had to find out where was the best place to go to and how to, simply said, start a new life. It wasn’t that difficult. He just had to have money. His father had that. He would visit his parents in December, and lend some money… 

Kaneki seemed to become closer with Tsukiyama by the day, too. More problems was one of the things Hide was asking for, yes. It was the fact that he couldn’t do anything about it.. yet. He couldn’t risk Tsukiyama telling his father that he didn’t follow orders. He couldn’t risk it to warn Kaneki for that bastard. 

Hide was cycling Kaneki to his work, Tsukiyama had to do ‘work’. He was very, very happy about that. He could spend time with Kaneki even if it wasn’t for that long, without having to be on his guard for that guy. He could even see Kaneki working. He smiled to himself while he let his bike ride off the hill. Kaneki was a little quiet, but Hide didn’t care. His accompany was enough, and in some minutes he got to see Kaneki in a cute waiter’s uniform. His smile almost touched his eyes. Honestly, that would be so good.  
He had to stop, otherwise he would have his little problem right here with Kaneki next to him. 

 

Hide was drinking his latte with small marshmallows, cinnamon, and lots of sugar, watching Kaneki working hard to satisfy the customers. It was nice to see him in another kind of environment. He looked comfortable, more than when he was at school. Hide knew about the sudden change of Kaneki his class’ behaviour. He had seen the bumping in the hallways, pushing him hard enough to fall. Even though he knew, he would not speak about it. Hide knew Kaneki would say that it was fine and deny how much it bothered him. He really felt sympathy for his best friend.

Kaneki was working with a girl that had a dark purple bob cut, covering half of her face. Hide asked himself if she wasn’t annoyed by the hair in her face. It surely wouldn’t be that handy to work with. _Well, everyone has his own style, right?_

Hide heard the girl whispering something in Kaneki’s ear when they were together behind the counter. He looked their way and saw that she pointed her thumb towards Hide and Kaneki blushed. He didn’t know what she just had said but he didn’t care much either. What he did care about was that, whatever she had told Kaneki, it got the cutest reaction out of him. This day was good.

Hide was still smiling when he and Kaneki were cycling back, or only Hide, but you get the point. Kaneki didn’t seem too happy himself, though. Almost like he was, nervous? Hide couldn’t help but ask.

‘’Is something bugging you, Kaneki?’’

Kaneki gasped from the sudden question. Hide couldn’t see him, but he assumed he was thinking. Then suddenly, he spoke up.

‘’Hide, I’ve been thinking for a long time, and I think I can ask you for advise’’.

Advise? ‘’Sure. I can help you’’.

‘’Well, ehh… I don’t really know how to say it’’. He stopped before continuing. Hide noticed that he had some difficulty with bringing over his message. He waited patiently, giving Kaneki the time that he needed and cycled up the hill. 

‘’Hide, there is someone, someone that I… like. You know them and I wante-…’’

Hide’s mind went blank. He couldn’t hear Kaneki or take in anything that happened around him. He stopped cycling and both fell of the bike. He didn’t notice it. He only knew that there was some point that he was laying on the ground, cheek stinging after it had made contact with the asphalt, Kaneki groaning in the background, probably hurt too. 

Kaneki was talking to him, but it wasn’t clear to him what he was saying. He could only hear his own thoughts racing through his mind. 

_I failed. Tsukiyama won. I failed. Tsukiyama won. I failed. Tsukiyama won. Tsukiyama.. TsukiyamaTsukiyamaTsukiyamaTsukiyamaTsukiyama…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Curaçao right now, and I don't have a lot of time to write, but I will try my best σ(≧ε≦ｏ)
> 
> Thanks for your patience and 'til next chapter! ^-^


	9. I looked at your face, and saw it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I'M BACK!!!!!! It's been so so so longgg! I'm such a hypocrite for always complaining about other fanfics that won't get updates, and then doing it too T-T. I'm so sorry and thank you for still tagging along!
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter since I almost cried while writing it hahahah :')
> 
> ~N

‘’Ughh.. Hide, what the hell was that for?’’

Kaneki stood up with some difficulty and inspected the palms of his hands that had caught his fall. He could make out the painful looking scratches that had coloured dark red. He would have to deal with that later. Kaneki had always hated disinfecting wounds. Yet, before worrying about that, Kaneki had to deal with the idiot who was the cause of their fall.

He looked over to where Hide landed, and seeing his face made Kaneki a little scared. Why was that? Was it because of what Kaneki had said before they stumbled of the bike? Did Hide think of a person that could be the one where Kaneki was talking about? The right person?

 _This is how it was supposed to go, Ken._ Kaneki brushed off the worriedness and tried to come over at least a tad mad by Hide’s actions. But how could he be mad with someone who was embracing themselves like that was the only hold on at the moment? He sighed and tried to get the other’s attention.

‘’Oh, uh.. Kaneki!’’ Hide slowly came back on his feet and met Kaneki’s eyes with the apologizing smile he always put on. ‘’Sorry, I’m a little tired, that’s all. Can’t focus and stuff...’’ Hide stopped his apologies when he saw Kaneki’s worried expression. _Yes, how can he not be worried_? The smile fades away to make place for a tired face.

‘’There is.. Actually, there is something I need to tell you.’’ With that, Hide took his bike from the asphalt and made a hand sign that Kaneki had to jump on again.

_Something, he needs to tell me?_

~~  
\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
They almost ran to Hide’s dorm room when they arrived at school terrain again. This wasn’t really his plan, but Hide had to do something. He hadn’t expected that Kaneki would be so blind? Is that it? Blind because of the affection that he gets? Yeah, that was definitely it. Tsukiyama had done some good work while Hide was not with Kaneki. He knew he did, but accepting it was another thing. It was just so lame that he just couldn’t win from Tsukiyama. Yes, he had seen how the purple haired teen treated his victims, but what he also knew was that it wouldn’t be the same with Kaneki. Hide had this feeling in his gut that Tsukiyama wouldn’t let go off Kaneki even if his friend was nothing more than a soulless body, even if it was only to pester Hide.

What did he even ever do to that guy? It’s not like Hide is always calling out on him and he didn't rememder carrying a cardboard with ‘’Hey, it’s Hide and I’m searching for trouble’’ written on it, right? In their younger years, before he had met Kaneki, it was always the same. Just because Hide didn’t ‘fit in’, the young Tsukiyama would make his life like hell every god damn time the families would meet.

Sometimes Hide would think it was jealousy that caused the attitude. He didn’t know much, but the blonde couldn’t say that he was totally oblivious to how the Tsukiyama household treated their younger generations. He didn’t have a blind eye for the abuse that Tsukiyama had to take if he did one thing that would disgrace the family’s name, and mostly it was just them crying over spilled milk. Hide could hear the shouting that was muted by the thick walls. He could hear the slaps that Tsukiyama had to take. Now, Hide didn’t have the best life before his mother thought it was a better idea to leave the family and go to the countryside, where he would meet Kaneki later on. His father gave him what he wanted, if he would not bother him. Yet the one thing he never gave Hide was love. Sad childhood story, right? Well, at least it was way, way better than Tsukiyama’s.

So he could understand Tsukiyama’s craving for positive attention and possession. For a child who didn’t get enough attention from their parents, it is difficult to not desperately search for attention in their later years. Now not to be a hypocrite, Hide could say this about himself too. Maybe less extreme because he got the love he needed from his mother, but it was there. Possession would probably have to do with dominating someone, having them in control. Since Tsukiyama was always the victim, he would now want to prevent that he would be the victim himself and dominate someone to feel the absolute power.

Man, maybe that was too deep.

‘’Hide, can you please tell me what’s going on?’’

_Oh yeah, Kaneki is still here._

The two were in Hide’s dorm room and while Hide closed the door, Kaneki went to sit on Hide’s bed, arms crossed over his chest, which made Hide think of angry parents who were always waiting for their children to arrive home from some party they went to. Those he would always see in movies he watched on the television. Even if it wasn’t a time of fun, Hide couldn’t restrain a grin forming on his face.

‘’Kaneki, my man’’, Hide went to sit next to the other. ‘’I haven’t always been that honest with you’’. What Hide was about to tell wasn’t really smart, but if he could convince Kaneki to stay away from Tsukiyama, it would be worth it. Kaneki looked at him with surprise, which he had the right to, though. Looking away to make the thick tension a little less, he continued. ‘’I’ve always played the role of the boy from the countryside who moved to a little town his mother. He didn’t have a father or anything like that, since he died in a car crash and the mother wanted to escape the place where she has made memories with her husband. That’s why she wanted to move with her son. Sounds like the most cliché tragic backstory, right?’’ _This isn’t funny, Hide. Why are you grinning like some idiot_? Hide didn’t know. maybe it were the nerves that came along with his confession.

‘’What I’m now going to tell you, might be a little shocking’’, Hide took a breath and came closer to Kaneki, the latter not moving, too startled to move. Hide’s mouth was next to Kaneki’s ear, and he whispered ‘’It’s a lie. All of it’’.

Hide went back to his first position, seeing the other’s eyes widened from surprise. Well, that was to be expected. Without asking Kaneki anything, he continued his story.

‘’Okay, so now imagine me, the son of a yakuza family. The Washuu household, to be exact. Yes, Kaneki. My real name is Washuu Hideyoshi, not Nagachika’’, Hide said when Kaneki put on a realizing face.

''I’m only child, my father gives me few to no attention, my mother too scared to do something that’s contradicting to what her husband does. I’m my father’s successor, and I get trained to be exactly like him. This means my whole life has been planned out for me, the only thing that I ever have to do is follow orders that are given to me. Sounds pretty sad, right? Well, there’s is one more thing that comes along with being the successor of some yakuza boss. Another thing I get to do is doing the dirty work. And with dirty work, I mean getting rid of anything and anyone who is in the way in my father’s eyes. That became clear when I was nine, and my mother thought it was better if I could have a normal life without having to deal with any of that dark stuff. So we fled, the two of us. We changed our name and fled to the town where I met you, Kaneki’’.

‘’Then, five years later, you disappeared, just like the rest of your family. Not long after, my father found our hide out, and threatened my mother to bring me back, but she was strong and independent and wouldn’t have it. She made a deal with him that he would leave me alone until I graduated from this school. He agreed, but after a year being safe here, he came to visit me’’.

‘’He said he wouldn’t hesitate to kill my mother if I didn’t follow his orders’’. With that, Hide stopped for a few seconds to look how Kaneki was doing. He could see a little tear in the corner of his eye.

‘’That meant that if I did all the getting rid of stuff, it would mean my mother’s and my own safety. But being me and not fitting the killer image, I got into contact with some ’friends’ who would do it instead of me. Also being me, I’m smart enough that my father would know that I’m not doing my work if I let someone else do everything. That’s why I provide my buds the material, if I may call it that, and they do the rest’’.

‘’But wait Hide, that means that…’’, Kaneki could bring himself to say a few words.

‘’That I’m indirectly a murderer, yes’’, Hide finished the other’s line.

Hide looked for the thousandth time into Kaneki’s eyes, spotting disbelieve, some fear, and also some relief. He couldn’t deny it, it was a pretty heavy story, but there was no other way to safe his friend.

‘’Hide, that’s not what I meant. I…’’, he apparently couldn’t come up with the right words. ‘’I.. was supposed to say that it means that you’re not safe, hiding things from the yakuza like that’’. Maybe when Hide thought about it again, he came to the idea that he misinterpreted worry for fear. _That’s so Kaneki-like, even when I just came out as someone who kills people, he still worries about me_ , Hide thought and smiled to himself.

‘’Well, that’s true, but I told you all of this not because I need you to be worried about me, but you need to be worried about yourself.’’ Kaneki looked confused. ‘’Huh… what do you mean?’’

‘’I mean that you need to be worried about your relation with Tsukiyama, Kaneki’’. That came like a surprise. Kaneki probably had no idea what Tsukiyama had to do with all of this, so Hide would not let him suffer anymore from the confusion.

‘’The Tsukiyama family, working together with the Washuu family. Since these two families had a lot of meetings together, I was stuck with a boy one year older than me every time we two families met up. His name is Tsukiyama Shuu. I’ve known him since I was four years old and I know what sort of person he is, Kaneki’’.

  
~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
So he has known Tsukiyama longer than I thought. Kaneki still had a lot of questions after hearing Hide’s story. But he knew that it would be better to keep those questions for another time. First he wanted to know what made Hide warn him for Tsukiyama.

‘’He has certain habits that he already had when he was younger. One thing is, he would always take my toys. Not that I had a problem with that. But the thing is that he would give it back the next meet up, totally broken and useless. This is what he does with people too.’’

_Huh, what does he mean with-_

‘’I mean..’’ Kaneki became flustered because he had accidentally said that out loud. ‘’…that he will take people to entertain them, and get rid of them when he gets bored with them. And if you will just act like everything is fine, Kaneki, he will do the same to you. Tsukiyama can’t be trusted.’’

_Oh._

So that is why Hide didn’t want Kaneki to be with Tsukiyama. He knew there was something fishy about Tsukiyama, and he knew Hide knew more about it than he did. Now he was sure. He was sure Tsukiyama was a dangerous person. The worst of it, Kaneki was in danger, and Hide probably too now. Kaneki looked at Hide and he could slap himself in the face if he was alone now. That he hadn’t noticed it before! They’re faint, maybe one week old, but they were there. Bruises on Hide’s throat which were the result of from a harsh long grip.

Tsukiyama had done that to him.

‘’Hey, you don’t have to worry ‘Neki. This guy will protect you’’, Hide said while pointing at himself with a smug face. Kaneki must have looked anxious, but not because some weird ass guy was trying to take him (probably what Hide was thinking). It was because Hide was in danger, and those bruises were the proof of it. Kaneki didn’t want to do this, but…

‘’And what are you going to do about it Hide?’’ Kaneki looked down, not wanting to see Hide’s reaction. Good luck for him that Hide was oblivious to his harsh tone, and started to explain.

‘’I’ve just told you that my subscription on safety will end after I graduate, right? Even if my father wants to, I’m not going back after leaving this place. I’ve already got everything planned out. I will leave Japan and start my career as a songwriter in, let’s say, Holland? And I’m bringing you with me.’’

If the situation wasn’t all that serious, Kaneki would have laughed at Hide’s ridiculous dreams. But now was the perfect chance to push Hide towards the safe path.

‘’Have you ever thought about how I would feel about that, Hide?’’ _Selfish_. Kaneki could almost not stop himself from grimacing from his own word choice. That was really selfish to say. Kaneki looked up and saw Hide, hurt.

_Sorry Hide, but I..._

‘’What if I said that I don’t want to leave Japan? What if I said that I don’t want to go to another country with you, hè Hide? Did you ever think about that?’’

_I’m so sorry._

‘’What if I said that I’d rather be with Tsukiyama-san than with you?’’ Bam, that was it. Hide’s eyes grew wider with fear, to lose it all. Kaneki continued on a more scolding kind of tone, not wanting to be too much. ‘’Tsukiyama-san maybe has been different in the past and is from some yakuza family, but aren’t you too?’’

_That’s not true Hide._

‘’What gives you the right to judge another person? What gives you the right to feel better than him?’’

_No Hide, you’re so much better than him._

‘’What if he really cares about me, shouldn’t I give him a chance? Because when you were new and had no friends, I did the same to you, Hide. I gave you a chance too.’’

_No, stop listening. It’s not true._

‘’Stop looking down on people, maybe then you can look differently at someone else.’’

With that, Kaneki stood up and walked to his own room, leaving Hide alone.


	10. Are you blind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all, RIP America.  
> Please stay safe.
> 
> Yeey new chapter
> 
> Thank you for the support :)

It was a quiet day at Anteiku, just like any other. It wasn’t like you would expect a busy café in some little haven. Yet, because it was the only decent one there, it would still attract some more than a few people. So let’s say, it was quieter than most of the days.

Kaneki was deep in thought while cleaning some used cups. Most of the time there would be someone to talk with that would make it impossible to semi-dose off. With that someone he meant Tsukiyama or Hide. Tsukiyama said he had to be whoever know where, and Hide.. Well, Hide and he had been avoiding each other for the past three days. Or more that Kaneki did all the avoiding, and Hide kept his distance while keeping an eye on him. It was just like before their little talk. Even when Kaneki would love nothing more than just to run to the blond and for always stick on his side, he knew that that wasn’t an option.

Tsukiyama wasn’t just some guy that would go from person to person, he knew that. After seeing Hide that serious about the issue of staying with Tsukiyama, Kaneki knew that he didn’t have any limits, Tsukiyama that is. He didn’t have any limits that stopped him from taking people away, and he didn’t have any limits when he marked Hide’s skin. If Kaneki would tell Hide about him being with Tsukiyama was for Hide’s own good, Hide would still be knocking on Tsukiyama’s door to tell him to fuck off. He was just so stubborn. So if Kaneki could convince the other that he really wanted to be with Tsukiyama, maybe Hide would let it flow.

And maybe if he kept Kaneki head up, stayed on his guard, Tsukiyama wouldn’t be that dangerous, right? Even being from some yakuza family, how bad could he be? Hide was originally from one too, and he isn’t a bad guy at all. Okay, but maybe was Hide an exception. Just like he had said himself, a yakuza life didn’t fit him. Kaneki had to admit that he didn’t know how the yakuza behaved, safe for the impression the stereotypes from movies, but it wasn’t just right. Kaneki understood why Hide wanted to escape that life, and be more of a free kind of guy.

_‘’I will leave Japan and start my career as a songwriter in, let’s say, Holland?’’_

Kaneki giggled when he thought of that line. It was a vague future plan, but it sounded more like a proposal than a random thought. Was Hide really serious about leaving and starting over again with nothing to lean on except for Kaneki? That was really… cute. Where did the songwriter part come from? Hide was known for his passion for music, especially music from abroad. But writing them on his own? Did he even know how to play an instrument? Could he sing? He hadn’t heard Hide singing since the school performance from when they were eleven.

And the other thing, Holland? When people think of moving to another country, they think of big ones like Canada or the U.S., but why did Hide choose a small country no one knows about? Kaneki had never heard of it, and he had looked it up. It wasn’t flashy like bigger countries, and the scenery pictures were so-so.

If Hide was serious about this, Kaneki had rejected his plan with his words. He couldn’t help it but let it hurt him a little. You don’t hit puppies and you don’t reject someone’s dreams in a harsh and abrupt way. Same thing.

‘’Yikes, you will scare everyone away with all these gloomy vibes you’re giving’’, Touka came back from the backroom to help Kaneki with the customers. ‘’Is it because your boyfriend isn’t here?’’ Kaneki looked up. Touka had become approachable the longer Kaneki worked here. Screw that, Touka’s daily entertainment was how-will-Kaneki-react-to-this-teasing-comment. It made the work environment more relaxed, yet Kaneki would love work without knowing that you will get tormented with comments on everything you do wrong.

‘’Who do you mean?’’ That was completely honest. Touka rolled her eyes. ‘’I mean sir purple haired creeper who is always watching you? You know him right, since you always leave together when your shift ends?’’

_Oh, Tsukiyama._

‘’He had something to attend today’’, Kaneki chuckled nervously. Even Touka had noticed his presence. Tsukiyama indeed came over a lot of times, even if Kaneki didn’t want it. He wouldn’t distract or something, but him being there made Kaneki feel like a betrayer. It should be someone else in his place. It should be-

‘’If you would ask me, I liked boyfriend number one better. At least he didn’t have some stalker resting face’’. Yes, Hide should be here. But Kaneki would let Touka’s comment slip, changing the subject.

‘’It’s been on my mind for some time, but isn’t it more practical to pin up your hair or something. It’s basically covering half of yo-‘’

Haha, shouldn’t have said that. Kaneki got greeted by a hit in his face. ‘’Mind your own fucking business’’. With that, Touka continued with rinsing the dishes. There was a sad sort of tension for the rest of Kaneki’s shift.

''You don’t have anywhere to be this Christmas break, am I right?’’ Kaneki looked up from his dinner. He and Tsukiyama were always eating together these days. It wasn’t that bad. At least it was a quiet companion and he wouldn’t get snips of food in his face because the other couldn’t have his mouth closed for one second. Kaneki smiled with that thought on his mind.

‘’No, not exactly’’. Kaneki was planning to stay in his little library for the two weeks. He didn’t have anywhere to return to, so why not stay? ‘’I intend to stay here and help or something like that’’. The other sighed by that, clearly not satisfied with the answer Kaneki had given him. Kaneki could only frown.

‘’You shouldn’t stay here, dear. Most people will be gone, same for the teachers.’’ Tsukiyama made a face like he was deep in thought, and before Kaneki could interrupt the silence between them, Tsukiyama gasped for air and his face lit up. Kaneki’s plans for staying at school were probably no more now. ‘’You can always come with me. I’m going back to my family this Christmas and we’ve got enough rooms for an extra one’’. He set up his charming smile.

First of all, did Kaneki want to spend two weeks with a yakuza family? Second of all, what if he said no to his proposal? ‘’Thank you for your concern Tsukiyama-san, but I..’’

Bye charming smile, hello face that can kill. Kaneki was lying if he sad that he wasn’t scared. ‘’But I don’t want to burden your family’’.

‘’Kaneki-kun, how kind of you, just like how you are’’. Kaneki couldn’t help it but blush by that. ‘’But there is no way you will ever be a burden, my dear. As I’ve already mentioned, there is enough space for an extra one’’.

Tsukiyama didn’t accept a no from him. _What to do, what to do, what to.._ ‘’I’ll think about it, Tsukiyama-san. But again, thank you’’. This would at least give him some time to think.

But it probably wasn’t enough.

Tsukiyama would ask him if he already made a choice the next days. It was annoying as hell. Nothing more about it. But after a week or so, Kaneki was at his limits.

‘’Kaneki-kun, dear, do you already know wh-‘’ Kaneki spun around to look at Tsukiyama. ‘’No, Tsukiyama-san. I haven’t made a choice yet and maybe I don’t even feel like going if you’re going to act like this’’. If Tsukiyama wanted him, Kaneki could at least be a little harsh on him, right? But the answer was definitely no. No one had ever put a kabe don on him, but this was definitely one. There goes my intimidation…

Alone in the hallway, great place. ‘’Now are you going to listen, Kaneki. I’m going to tell you this once, okay?’’ There shouldn’t be laughing, right? Why was Tsukiyama laughing then? ‘’I just want the best for you, since, I have become attached to you. So if you just let me be kind, everything will be alright, okay? Do you understand?’’

Huh? Why wasn’t it possible to say no? Why couldn’t he just walk away? Just leave Tsukiyama’s side and get back to Hide? Hide. That’s right, he did this for Hide. He would stay brave for his friend. Kaneki gave a small nod, knowing he shouldn’t piss of Tsukiyama more than he already had done.

Tsukiyama came too close for his liking. ‘’So what is your choice, little flower?’’ Shit. ‘’I’ll go with you, Tsukiyama-san.’’ A small grin appeared on the purple hair’s face and he got his personal space back. ‘’Very well. I’ll inform my parents so they can prepare you a room’’. Tsukiyama walked away, waving his hand next to his head. ‘’Have a nice day’’.

Kaneki finally understood of what Hide was scared of.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------  
~~~~  

‘’…and I don’t even get the chance to have some fun. My parents want me to work when I come home this break’’. Shunsuke sighed and pinched his jelly bun he had just bought. They’re sitting in their classroom, Shunsuke, Hisami, Arata, and Hide. There was only one week left until Christmas break, but it felt like every day was one week. Everything went slowly, it was almost boring. There was no stress anymore, the week before everything had to be finished and handed in.

Everyone would be gone when the break began. And everyone also includes Hide. He would return to his father every break, which was also an agreement his mother and father made. Not the best one, since spending time with what he called his family wasn’t fun at all. There was always a heavy atmosphere there. Hide couldn’t wait until he could leave that place behind him forever.

‘’Oh, Hide, you’re going back too?’’ Hide stopped studying his table and looked up. He had never told anyone besides Kaneki what his family was, and so everyone his family is a normal farmer family who were always scolding him for waking up too late. ‘’Yeah, they want me to come back and I don’t have any jobs here that I can use as an excuse to stay here so.’’ The others made a sound of understanding.

‘’By the way, you told me that… what was his name again?’’ Arata leaned back on his chair, supporting on only two legs. ‘’You know, that guy you introduced to us this autumn. Small, black hair, big glasses..’’ Kaneki. Hide had his focus back again. Hisami gasped by that. ‘’You mean Kaneki Ken?’’ Arata hummed in agreement. ‘’Yes, that one! Hide, you told me that he doesn’t have anywhere to return to, right?’’ Everyone gave Hide a surprised look. _Did I really say that?_

Hide laughed it off. ‘’The point was that he isn’t in good terms with his mother and stuff, so he probably wants to stay here.’’ It was all a lie. The truth was, Hide didn’t know what Kaneki’s situation was. He tried to ask him a couple of times, but Kaneki would always avoid the question. Hide could only conclude that, what happened a couple of years ago, wasn’t the best.

‘’In my eyes, he’s not really a guy that would be in a bad relationship with his parents.’’ Shunsuke shrugged. ‘’But still, you know he is hanging with Tsukiyama, and people who are around that guy, are always a little weird in their head. Probably he gave us a wrong first impression.’’ Hide didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear his friends low-key insulting Kaneki, and he didn’t want to hear people talking about Tsukiyama and Kaneki.

‘’Hide, what actually did happen? ‘Cuz you two were really close, right?’’ Huh? Were we? Hide thought. That was like three months ago, but he remembered that he had the time of his life back then. He had someone to care for. Yikes, when did he become this sappy?

‘’Well, we weren’t that close..’’ the three looked unconvinced. ‘’Stop joking, you were practically, like, dating.’’ Ah, if that was true, there wouldn’t be a problem at all. Bummer it wasn’t the reality. ‘’Kaneki probably needs some time alone, and I respect that.’’ And they saw something else that was more interesting. Hide excused himself and left the classroom.

When he reached the hallway, he froze. There was Kaneki, leaning against the wall. He wanted to shout, but he stopped himself. How long ago was it that they had a proper talk together? Like, two three weeks ago? And then he referred to the one that didn’t go as planned. Hide was in a fight with himself whether to go to Kaneki or just leave him be. Their last parting wasn’t really great, but Kaneki looked like he needed some serious help. So Hide went and walked straight towards the smaller guy.

_Oh god, did he just experience a murder or something?_

‘’Hey, Kaneki.’’ Kaneki looked up with terrified, yet tired eyes. Hide’s eyes softened. Who would take care of this guy’s health if he didn’t? He would find himself in the hospital again if it would go on like this. Kaneki’s posture was weary, yet tensed. The colour on his cheeks were almost not existing, eyes lost their twinkling. He looked smaller and more vulnerable than ever.

‘’Is everything going alright?’’ But he didn’t need to ask, because- ‘’Yes, I’m fine. Thank you’’ -as expected he would just assure Hide his wellbeing. And Hide would act like he was oblivious to the fact that Kaneki was hiding everything. Hide put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall next to Kaneki, trying to lessen the tension. ‘’I was asking myself where you would be this Christmas break, and then I came to the conclusion that I didn’t know the answer.’’ Hide looked at Kaneki, who let his head hang. Hands toying with each other.

‘’I, uh, planned to stay here.’’ _Oh, that’s good. That’s really good._ Hide’s face beamed up. ‘’But then Tsukiyama-san asked me to come join him this Christmas break.’’ Kaneki looked at Hide and smiled. _You’ve gotta be kidding me._ This wasn’t good at all. ‘’Kaneki’’ There were no soft eyes anymore. There were points in life where you just had to play the hard one, and this was one of those moments. Kaneki’s smile faltered. The two were looking into each other’s eyes.

‘’I know you still remember what I’ve told you about people like Tsukiyama, and now you’re practically walking into his trap, Kaneki!’’ Kaneki looked startled. ‘’H-Hide..’’ no, Hide wasn’t having any of that. ‘’Now listen for one single time to me Kaneki. I’m serious here, how do you get it in your head to follow him like some loyal dog?’’ Hide was now closer. ‘’I’m sorry to say this, but are you stupid or something?’’

Oh no, now he did it. Hide took a step back when Kaneki’s lips started to tremble. He didn’t want any of this, only that he would get his message. ‘’I’m so sorry Kaneki’’.

They stood there for some longer.

Hide was done packing his bag, not needing a lot. He would be gone soon as possible. Maybe he could stay at Nishiki’s. He grinned at nothing, squatting in his lonely room. It would be nice to see him and Kimi again.

His phone went off and Hide took it out of his back pocket of his jogging pants, answering it. ‘’You’re talking to Nagachika Hideyoshi, how ca-‘’

‘’Stop joking around, Hideyoshi.’’ Father. He didn’t expect his father to call him, but life was all about surprises. ‘’You have to be ready if the car arrives.’’ Hide didn’t put effort in hiding his sigh. ‘’Father, didn’t I say that I prefer going by train?’’ It would always draw the wrong impressions when there was some stiff looking car waiting for Hide. And like he already had said, Hide didn’t like questions.

A sigh from the other side. ‘’Don’t make a problem of everything for once, Hideyoshi. I would appreciate that. I’m hanging up.’’ And with that, he was gone.

Hide didn’t know what it was, but he wanted to cry. He let himself fall onto his bed. Everything sucked at this moment. His relation with Kaneki sucked. Tsukiyama sucked. His father sucked. His friends sucked. Tears began to fall. It was the frustration.

  
~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

   
Kaneki was done packing his bag, not needing a lot. He wanted this one and a half week to be over as soon as possible. Maybe he could come up with an excuse, like that he was needed at work. Tsukiyama would understand, right?

No, wait. He wouldn’t understand it at all and probably interpret the whole situation in a wrong way. He had gotten a message earlier from Tsukiyama, asking if he would be ready the next morning to go. Kaneki asked if they could go by train, and Tsukiyama grimaced by the idea of public transport. But Kaneki convinced him. It was good to know that Tsukiyama would still listen to him.

The message also reminded Kaneki that he didn’t have Hide’s number. Kaneki didn’t really want to think about Hide at the moment. It was just some days ago since their last encounter. Why would it always end up making everything even more difficult? That was never his plan.

Kaneki went to his bed, wanting to be asleep before Tonozaki would come back from who knows where.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy pain


	11. Follow my gaze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who thinks this fanfic is shitty? Me  
> Who is still going to update this fanfic? Me
> 
> Hello there, it's me again. The hypocrite who is always complaining about other fanfics not being updated while not continuing her own fanfic. Nice. 
> 
> Sorry for this late one >///<
> 
> Hope you will enjoy it!  
> ~N

It had been four days since Tsukiyama and Kaneki arrived at the massive house. Or maybe mansion would fit the building better. It wasn’t all that bad. Not that Kaneki had expected the worst after Hide’s story, but still, he wasn’t even familiar with how a daily life of a family looked like, let alone knowing about the routines of a yakuza family. But it was, normal he guessed. Tsukiyama’s father, Tsukiyama Mirumo, was a kind man, at least, that’s how he appeared to Kaneki. The mother passed away five years ago, so Kaneki couldn’t meet her. Tsukiyama didn’t have any siblings, just a lot of people serving the family.

The first thing Kaneki thought when the front door closed behind him was: _Why would you spend so much money on just a carpet_? But he could say that about the whole interior. Walls were adorned with complex patterns, which made his head dizzy. Paintings, Chinese porcelain, and flowers decorated the rest of the rooms. Big stairs accompanied him to his room on the first floor. And he could be wrong, but Kaneki thought that there were at least four more floors above him, which made him feel very small.

His days were relaxing there. He would wake up and get out of bed whenever he felt like it, and most of the time it was around eleven in the morning, because Tsukiyama always stood on the other side his door asking how long he was going to take to wake up. So it wasn’t really a ‘whenever he felt like’ thing.

He had his own bathroom, what was one of the biggest luxuries he ever had. After his wake up call, Kaneki would take a quick shower and get dressed to get some breakfast. Not that he would eat that much from it, and no one had a problem with his eating habits. The days were filled with hikes through the forest that was situated next to the mansion. Tsukiyama had told him that the garden was more beautiful when the roses bloomed, and that he had to come again when that was the case.

Kaneki didn’t really want to return to this place. It was nice, he had to admit that. Everyone always greeted him with a smile here, and he didn’t feel like he would have to excuse himself for everything he did, for once. Only, the thing here was that, everything felt so forced. The smiles, the dull twinkles in their eyes, the politeness. Every time Kaneki turned his back to them, he could almost hear them thinking ‘what is someone like you doing here?’. It could be that his mind was playing games with him again, it had done that more than once, but there was something in their faces. In all of them, the same pinch of something that he couldn’t understand.

It looked like sympathy.

‘’Kaneki, dear, how do you feel about some hot cocoa in the study room?’’

It was noon and the two were back from their walk, undressing in the hallway. Kaneki handed his coat to one of the clerks. He stared at Tsukiyama when he was taken by his scarf, dragged to where the one of the studies was.

What was another thing that made Kaneki a little uncomfortable, was Tsukiyama’s behaviour. He couldn’t call it flirty, or wouldn’t, but it was something close to that. The little touches and that playful smile on his face that would always appear if they were alone. He could call it straight out creepy. Yes, that’s what it was.

In the study, the fireplace was roaring, creating big shadows behind the furniture. They were seated next to each other on the loveseat in front of the fire, both being to engaged with their books to start a conversation. These moments were Kaneki’s favourite. No talking, no forced smiles from his side. Unfortunately for him, it was over before he really could enjoy it. Without looking to his side, he heard Tsukiyama closing his novel before putting it on the coffee table, next to the long forgotten hot chocolate. He found something more interesting than the book, and Kaneki followed Tsukiyama’s actions by putting his book away. He looked at the fire, which would die if it would be treated any further like it was now. Abandoned.

‘’Kaneki-kun.’’ One hand crept around his waist, the other had yet to attack. No, Kaneki wouldn’t resist, he knew better. Even when he was pulled closer to the other, he would not fight back. Even when the free arm wrapped itself around his chest and the other covering his stomach, he would stay still. Just like Tsukiyama wanted it, when his face came closer to the smaller boy’s neck and…

Wait, this was new. This was not something that he wanted. _Stop it stop it stopitstop it stop.._

‘’Kaneki-kun’’, Tsukiyama repeated between the soft kisses. ‘’We will leave this place for a few days.’’ Answer, damn it. ‘’Where will we go Tsukiyama-san?’’ Hands go under his tugged shirt, cold at the touch. _Please, make him stop_. ‘’To a little dinner with some people you know.’’ _Dinner, must be with some friends of the family. I should know them_ , Kaneki thought, but was too distracted by the actions that were happening around him.

~~  
\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
‘’Hideyoshi, please leave your room and get yourself ready for breakfast.’’ It wasn’t that Hide didn’t leave his bedroom only because he wanted to avoid spending time with his parents as much as he could, acting like a ignorant child so that maybe they would get tired of him and never invite him over again was a reason too.

His stepmother, Washuu Misaki, would be there every morning, knocking on his door and asking if he would come downstairs, a lot of times with a begging tone. The first days that he came here, he would just ignore it and do as he pleased. But he said to himself that his mother didn’t deserve it to get a cold shoulder. Also, his father, Washuu Yoshitoki, wasn’t tolerating any of his behaviour, and after some talking which might have involved some screaming, he would do as he was told, not wanting to make everything even more tense.

So with that, Hide sighed and climbed out of bed, strolling over to the door, not looking at her when he went through the threshold, and walked to the bathroom, preparing for another day.

Hide was more than happy that his parents hadn’t planned anything such as meetings with people, which meant less confrontations, which meant less acting like some rich scum. He chuckled to himself, looking into the mirror and checking if everything was good enough to go with. Two days ago he got sent back upstairs to fix his hair, because, and he quoted her, it looked like ‘a wig fished from some junkyard’. Did he intentionally neglect his hair that day? Maybe, maybe not.

‘’There you are. You know, you are holding us all up Hideyoshi.’’ Hide didn’t greet his stepmother who looked up from the daily newspaper that she probably wasn’t even reading. She only took up the papers to come over as someone who could be seen as an intellectual. His mother was a woman who was all about the looks and not the, well, brains. He still didn’t figure why his father hooked up with a woman like this. Despite her being his family and potential mother, she never felt like a mother to him. That made him feel less guilty while silently insulting her.

‘’We answer back if necessary, Hideyoshi’’, his father’s gaze burned through him, screaming ‘look at me’. ‘’Then I would never have to talk back’’, Hide murmured while taking place at the table and starting to eat. And everyone at the table did so, not reacting to his mumbling. There was a silence while everyone was eating. Then the sound of cutlery against porcelain, the signal of a thousand of questions that would come.

‘’So, are you well prepared for your future?’’

‘’I don’t even know what my future will look like.’’

‘’Why don’t you ask your father for help?’’

‘’Don’t need any.’’

‘’What about the girls? It’s time that you have chosen someone who you want to be next to your side for the rest of your life. There is a reason why your father has sent you a school like this one.’’ _Are you that stupid, woman_? Hide let out a sigh and watched his stepmother’s hopeful face. ‘’Mother, like you know, I’m going to a boys boarding-school. Remember?’’ No, that wasn’t what she was expecting as an answer.

‘’Maybe if you do something about that bird nest hair of yours, it would certainly be easier.’’ That was so not necessary. Hide would be out of breath at the end of the day if he would keep sighing like this. The comment came from his father, who never liked his hair because it would ‘hide his pride of the family’, which was exactly the reason why Hide dyed his hair.

‘’You’ve got your corners, and I’ve got mine dad.’’ Hide stood up, food long forgotten. He heard another chair shoving over the floor. ‘’Do not dare to ever talk like that to your father Hideyoshi!’’ Hide walked through the hallway. ‘’Hideyoshi? Hidey-‘’

‘’Hideyoshi, be ready this afternoon. We will be hosting some guests.’’

Hide stopped as his father spoke. It was his language for ‘if you even try to hide that little shithead of yours tonight, your life will be a hell’. He took his coat and slammed the front door shut, walking into the heavy snow. He didn’t want to listen to any of his parent’s bullshit for the rest of the day.

~~  
\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

_  
Huh?_

Kaneki looked from his host to his hostess to the son of the household, who was also… his best friend? Hide looked at him with the same surprise as he felt. Kaneki should’ve known, he already felt some familiarity when it was announced that they would be visiting the Washuu household. Why hadn’t that rang a bell, since Hide had told him about the Washuu family? Now he had to share the same table with the guy he had a fight with a couple of days ago. Just great.

Kaneki shot a glare to Tsukiyama, because he should have told him. He could at least prepare himself or something if he had heard beforehand. Tsukiyama looked the other way. These days were going to be some great ones.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
‘’…and after I sent back his secretary, he never showed his dirty face here again.’’ A bunch of people were laughing, even if it wasn’t funny. They were all drunk, swinging to the hackneyed jazzy music that was playing on the background. Hide leaned his head on the palm of his hand, watching his parents and the Tsukiyamas having the time of their life. It was slightly amusing.

It wasn’t bad for his mood like the rest of the time had been that the Tsukiyamas arrived. Kaneki didn’t look comfortable at all, which he could understand, since he and Kaneki weren’t in the best conditions right now. But Hide was going to set that right, as soon as he could leave this room with Kaneki, who was sitting next to Tsukiyama and focussing on his lap. Only if he could get his attention and sneak out…

‘’Ever thought that Shuu-kun would swing that way?’’ Swing that way? What… His father looked at Tsukiyama who was wrapping his arm around Kaneki. The fucker. But why would his father think that they were a couple? Did he think that, or did Tsukiyama…? No he couldn’t, because Kaneki would never accept that if he said that about them. Except for when they actually were… No that couldn’t be.

‘’You wouldn’t say that at first, huh?’’ Hide tried to make up some talking time with his father while he could. ‘’Don’t understand why Mirumo would allow a scrawny kid like that black haired guy into his household.’’ His father swirled his wine around in his glass. ‘’You wouldn’t even get that much if you would sell him out.’’

 _Clash_ , there went the glass, now lying on the carpet. Stains of red wine appeared. His father was still looking at his hand, not even noticing that he wasn’t holding anything anymore. Everyone went quiet, but not aware of what happened. And the moment they began their rattling again, Hide stood up and gripped Kaneki by his elbow, leading him out of the dinner room. He would explain later, but for now, he couldn’t listen to his father’s insults and watching Tsukiyama’s behaviour towards Kaneki anymore. He had to leave as soon as possible. They wouldn’t mind.

~~  
\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
Climbing the stairs and walking through the hallway on the first floor went fine, until Kaneki determined Hide to stop and explain. Hide let go of him, and he rubbed the place where the other had grabbed him firmly. ‘’I’m seriously sorry for last time, you know. I didn’t think it through, but when I saw you and Tsukiyama together and you said that you wanted to spend your free time with that shitbag, I just- you know- I just couldn’t..’’

‘’Hide, it’s okay’’, Kaneki took Hide’s hand so that he would stop his apologies and look at him instead. ‘’Take me with you.’’

Hide’s face lit up like he hadn’t seen in weeks. Kaneki followed him to wherever he wanted to go. He didn’t care for tonight, Tsukiyama wasn’t sober enough to be aware of anything. Not even his absence would be noticed. He could do as he pleased for some hours without having to worry about Hide or himself.

The two entered a room, and when Hide flicked on the lights on the bedside tables, Kaneki knew it was definitely Hide’s room. It was messy. Clothing of all sorts spread over the carpet, even if he had only stayed here for some days. Hide set himself on the edge of his bed, Kaneki stayed next to the doorway, not knowing if he should sit next to him. So he just leaned against the wall so he came over as a not too much caring character. That was absolutely not him.

With no word exchange for what could have been hours, Kaneki felt like he should do something.

‘’Je t’inventerai des mots insensés..’’ It was an old song that Kaneki used to love when he was younger. The song itself was very sad, but so nostalgic and beautiful, and he thought it was the best to mutter the words to fill the silence. ‘’..que tu comprendras.’’

_I will come up with foolish words that you would understand._

Hide would get it. The words of the song screamed sorrow, even if they were a foreign language. He would get that Kaneki let everything out in these murmurs, which became more like whispered pleas. He understood, that’s why he stood up from the comforter and stopped in front of Kaneki.

‘’Ne me quitte pas..’’

 _Do not forget me_. Because he felt so lonely. He had felt oh so lonely all these years he had spent alone, and he just noticed it. Even with the man who claimed to love him by his side, he felt lonelier than ever. But he didn’t want to relate to the song’s words anymore, so he begged Hide to hold him with repeating that one sentence, only sobs coming out now. And while the song continued in his head, Hide held his face, because he understood. He got the message from the tears and the tired expression.

Kaneki only stopped his soft singing when his lips were against Hide’s. It was soft, but made his stomach do somersaults. It was so simple and so gentle, yet it made him forget his loneliness for a moment. His hands moved to the other’s chest on their own, moving over it when the kiss became more heated. There was a pause when they pulled away. And Kaneki wasn’t disappointed. Without any words, Hide knew what exactly to do. So he waited until Hide connected their lips again and made them move against each other.

Kaneki let out a little moan when Hide put a hand on the small of his back and drew him closer. He had never felt so comfortable with someone touching him like this. Kaneki only felt happiness, and upcoming lust when Hide pushed his lips open with something that felt like a tongue. And it was definitely one, but for this one time, he would just let it slip. Pun not intended.

For a few more minutes it was just Hide and Kaneki swinging to the song in Kaneki’s head and making out softly. Kaneki was happy and didn’t want it to end. Only when Hide trailed down kissing his jaw gently, Kaneki made up his mind and started talking.

‘’H-Hide.. we- we should…’’ It was too hard to talk normal with the heated circumstances. But Hide helped him out. ‘’We should stay here.’’ That was not what he was going to say, but oh well, the others would probably fall asleep and sleep in until late tomorrow. He wouldn’t have to worry.

Kaneki took Hide’s chin and made him look at him. ‘’Yes, definitely.’’

Kaneki was happy. That his first kiss was Hide, and that he could escape his lonely world.

He was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write intimate shit for shit. Sorry if it is really bad, but it's my first try!  
> The song that I used is 'Ne me quitte pas' by Jacques Brel for the ones who are interested. The translation that I used for the lyrics is my own interpretation, so it can be that you think it's not completely correct, but, oh well. I really love it (I should stop using personal stuff for my stories yikes)
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> ~N


	12. Look what I did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I curse my limited vocab and habit to use words too. many. times.  
> Also, sorry for the long wait. I had a lot of difficulty with some things in this chapter.  
> But now it is here :)
> 
> Thanks for your support and staying with me 
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> ~N

_What am I doing?_

Kaneki was playing with the Hide’s hair while the latter was long gone, exhaling in small puffs of air. His mouth wasn’t shut and he was filling his lungs with air through his mouth. Hide had probably just caught a cold and got his nose all stuffed. One arm was under his pillow, the other reaching towards Kaneki. It was something he could look at forever.

The soft kisses were still a warmth to Kaneki’s lips, just like the deeper ones left a certain taste that he couldn’t describe. The tingling spots on his skin where the other touched him. It wouldn’t leave his body, and Kaneki wasn’t even sure if it ever would. Not that the boy wanted the feeling of, what was it exactly? He wasn’t sure yet, but he didn’t have the energy to dig deeper for an answer. He just didn’t want this warm feeling to fade away. The thought of the warmth could make blood rise up to his cheeks already.

But this wasn’t right for some reason. Hide probably didn’t know that he ruined his whole plan to protect Hide within seconds. Kaneki would have a hard time continuing with life now, forgetting this all happened. Like a one night stand. Just get over it and move on.

He didn’t exactly know what Hide’s intentions were when he decided to just throw everything away and did, that. But he knew that this wasn’t something friends did, not even best friends as far as he knew. Friends with benefits was also not the right term. Kaneki was clueless about that one. The only thing he knew was that there was actually no way to casually shrug this off. That would be not fair to Hide.

On the other hand, if Kaneki actually talked about this with the other boy, then there would be problems with Tsukiyama. And he knew that that was something that was best to be avoided. Tsukiyama would hurt Hide for sure if he found out about this in some way. He would. Kaneki didn’t know how, but he knew that the older man would hurt Hide. He would hurt him and there was nothing he could do about it.

‘’Hide, why are you making this so impossibly difficult for me?’’ Kaneki mumbled into his pillow. There was no way out.

After some more of weighing down the consequences that could be there, Kaneki dozed off in a dreamless sleep, taking Hide’s hand as the last action of that day.

 _Good night, Hide_.

~~  
\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
It was not that Hide did expect waking up alone in a cold bed. It was just that he didn’t expect Kaneki to still be next to him when he would wake up. That was actually the same, but Hide didn’t want to make it sound so negative. Or were both sort of sad? He didn’t know anymore. The only thing he knew was that his head wouldn’t do his job if there was a particular boy lying next to him, wearing nothing.

Hide was still in his exact same gown that he wore last night. Having a good idea of how he worked, he was possibly too lazy to change and just jumped into bed. But Kaneki was another story.

He saw that the smaller boy had nothing around his torso, except for the blanket that he was hugging closely. When Hide knew that it was safe, he reached with his bare feet (apparently he did have the time to get rid of his socks) to Kaneki’s legs. No pants or whatsoever. Only fluff that suggested that Kaneki didn’t have a lot of body hair. When Hide went upwards the leg with only his toes, he let out a breath of relief when he felt the underwear.

_What happened yesterday night?_

There was the singing that Hide didn’t quite understand, and then there was the kissing. God, the kissing part was still fresh in his memories. That was a heavy make out session. What had happened to make something like that happen? It could be faith for as much as Hide knew. No, it was more of a ‘Hide wanted it to be that way’ thing.

But what now? Were they going to talk about this not at all expected incident and maybe really do something with it, or were they just going to pretend that nothing happened and go on with life? Hide decided that they had to at least talk about it.

If it was just them and the kiss, it would be solved pretty easily in Hide’s opinion. But there was this problem called ‘Kaneki told Hide that he might like someone’, and that someone would already beat the living out of him if they found out about last night. Tsukiyama would definitely order some nice cage on the internet for Kaneki to live in.

But wait. Who said that he couldn’t rival Tsukiyama? The older one had some advantages when it was about physical abilities, but Hide was smart. He could think of a solution.

Besides that, Tsukiyama would never be able to kill him or permanently harm him, because, even if Hide wasn’t buddies with his father or his family in general, the Tsukiyama household would have to pay for attacking someone from a family that has a higher position. Wouldn’t put them in a great position, would it?

That thought made Hide relax a bit and focus on Kaneki’s sleeping face. Also did it remind him of his question why the boy wasn’t wearing anything but his undies.

It didn’t matter how hard Hide tried to remember what happened after all the kissing, he just couldn’t. It was still fresh in his memories that he suggested to go to bed, but nothing else after that.

There didn’t happen anything, right? And if there was something that happened, why didn’t Hide have any memories of it?

There was a light panic gnawing at him, but before Hide could think of the worst, Kaneki opened his eyes. He probably had some difficulty with focussing, which was adorable.

But that didn’t last for long. After something came into his view, probably Hide, Kaneki gasped and sat up, looking like some caught animal. Hide lifted himself up as well.

‘’Good morning.’’

‘’Hide, what happened?’’

Hide puffed out a laugh. ‘’That’s exactly what I wanted to ask you. Except for the Hide, which makes it less exact.’’

When Kaneki frowned, Hide started. ‘’We left the diner early yesterday and went to my room, remember?’’ Kaneki nodded. ‘’So there was this silence and then you started singing in some language that I didn’t know, and then you cried and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing you and it escalated a bit, but-‘’

‘’Okay Hide, you can stop now.’’ Kaneki looked flustered, which was adorable. ‘’I think I remember everything now.’’ He seemed to feel the same way about this as Hide, which helped a little. Just a little.

‘’Wanna go for a walk, because no one will be up before afternoon.’’ It would be nice to be away from this place for a while. He saw Kaneki hesitating, but then, to Hide’s surprise, Kaneki went with it. Kaneki was probably still in a sleepy daze. He just went out of bed and started collecting his clothes. Mostly, Kaneki would only do this if there was no one around or if everyone had their hands before their eyes. This was the only time that Hide had seen Kaneki with little clothes on. Safe for that one time at the public swimming pool, which contained laughter, screaming and a lot of tears. Both would not talk about that ever again.

‘’I wonder how cold it is outside.’’ Kaneki tried to pull on his jeans that he had thrown off for some reason. This got Hide back to his question.

‘’Why are you as naked as a newborn kiddo? Did anything happen afterwards?’’

‘’No just didn’t want to sleep in my clothes. I always wake up choking when I’m still with my clothes on.’’

‘’Oh.’’

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
It was snowing, but not heavily enough to not enjoy the outside world. The sun was just above the horizon, even if it wasn’t that early. There was no wind, so it wasn’t uncomfortably cold. The winter air was having mercy on them and blew softly against their bare skin.

Hide’s place was more of a rural landscape, in contrary to Tsukiyama’s, which was more of a big garden.

Trees surrounded the land of the mansion, and if you walked further, there were even more trees. Kaneki tried to count them, but came to the point that it wasn’t as fun as in his younger years, so he gave up and just followed the blonde. That boy was walking in front of him like he knew exactly where he was going, and only for this one time, Kaneki would believe him and not argue with anything.

‘’Where are we going?’’

‘’I literally have no idea.’’

No, he was never going to even think that Hide knew what he was doing. Kaneki picked up Hide’s pace so he could walk next to his friend. Absentmindedly he noticed that it was darker due to the tall trees that blocked the early sunlight. It was also a bit colder than before they went into the woods. Kaneki snuggled his scarf a little bit up, over his ears.

‘’So.’’

‘’So.’’ Kaneki repeated him, because of the lack of anything else to fill the silence. He knew that they were both thinking about the same thing right now. What now?

Hide stood still. ‘’I don’t know about you, but I’ve some things I want to discuss with you.’’ Hide turned his body to him, hands nonchalantly in the pockets of his jacket. ‘’Only if it is fine with you, I mean.’’

It would be rude to not say anything about yesterday. It wasn’t something that happened every day. But it didn’t matter how long Kaneki stood there, looking at Hide, he couldn’t come up with words. What did he want to say? How did he feel about this? He didn’t know anything. Should he say ‘’It was nice to try it for once, but let’s keep it a one-time thing’’?

‘’You don’t have to take responsibility, I started it. But would you at least hear me out?’’

God bless you Hide for always noticing my social disabilities.

Kaneki gave a small nod. He could listen and think. More time to think was great. There would be less of a chance that he would say something stupid without thinking it through first.

‘’I know what my intentions were when I did the mouth thing with you, and I don’t regret it.’’ Hide was all serious, it was almost like if Kaneki stopped with listening, Hide would shout at him like a parent would if his child walked away from a lecture.

‘’I want you to know that this wasn’t some dump act that I put off to be funny, Ken. This was some serious business and one of the so many examples where actions are better than words to explain something.’’

What is he implying?

‘’This is something that has been piling up for some time, but it’s not like I want to change anything.’’

No, Kaneki knew exactly what Hide was trying to tell him. It was like that time when Hide put spit on his burning wound so it would heal, or when he got Kaneki some chocolate after the boy fainted.

It was because Hide cared. He cared then, and now he still did.

‘’Now I want to ask you, how do you feel about it. Because, yesterday you didn’t really seem to not like it or something.’’ Hide looked like some crushing middle schooler who was confessing his love with his posture all cowered and face down. Maybe because he was.

Kaneki shrugged and decided to give Hide an honest answer.

‘’I don’t know yet.’’

Yes, it was gutless answer, and yes, it was something no one wanted to hear as an answer, but for some reason, Hide seemed happy with it. It was like that kid expected a no. Hide deserved better.

‘’Well, didn’t expect that as an answer.’’ Hide laughed and looked at Kaneki, who was still staring at Hide. ‘’I’m happy.’’

Hide did indeed deserve something better than this.

‘’How could you be happy?’’ That was maybe a little bit too annoyed, but as always, Hide’s face didn’t let the grin falter.

‘’You’re not disgusted or something like that.’’ Hide uneasily scratched his cheek. Why would Hide think that he would be disgusted? Maybe because…

No, there was no maybe. Kaneki couldn’t find any reason why Hide would think that. He would never be uncomfortable with anything that had to do with the other boy. Even the snowball that just hit his neck and was now running down his back. Not even that.

‘’Get rid of the frowns ‘Neki. We still have some time before the others will wake up.’’

Hide was already running away, expecting some sweet revenge. _And that’s exactly what you will get, Hide_. With that, Kaneki shoved up some snow with his bare hands and ran after Hide.

How could he ever be disgusted of Hide?

 

‘’Where have you been? You were not in your room when I went to take a look earlier.’’

Tsukiyama stood there before Kaneki, with his arms crossed. Kaneki felt like a kid that got scolded for being back too late. This man was the reason for the ‘I don’t know yet’.

Kaneki and Hide got back a minute ago, and when Hide went upstairs to change his clothes, the man surprised him by suddenly standing in front of him with his morning kimono.

Tsukiyama got Kaneki by his jacket and tried to get the snow off. It was hard to get rid of the evidence of war. Kaneki didn’t really feel like telling him what happened, not that he intended to spill the whole story to Tsukiyama.

‘’You can let me go. I can do it myself, Tsukiyama-san.’’ Kaneki tried to get out of Tsukiyama’s grip, but instead did the pressure only become more. It almost hurt.

Tsukiyama’s face was close to his. There was a lot of anger, but Kaneki was not scared. For once in his whole damn life.

‘’I will ask you again, where did you go?’’

‘’I’m not saying.’’

‘’Merde.’’ Tsukiyama let go of Kaneki and pushed him away, causing Kaneki to stumble back. Some people could be really rude after some alcohol.

‘’Where is Nagachika?’’ The taller man pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to get away the upcoming headache.

‘’He has got nothing to do with it, Tsukiyama-san.’’

The man came close to him again. ‘’So you think that I will believe that you went out for some morning run alone?’’

Kaneki didn’t understand where that came from. It was pretty obvious that he had spent some time outside, but why did Tsukiyama jump to conclusions for what he did?

Tsukiyama probably noticed the confusion on Kaneki’s face. ‘’You think that I’m oblivious to what you do? Do you think a split second that your eating habits go unnoticed?’’

Eating habits?

There was a grin plastered to his face. ‘’You don’t have to be ashamed about taking care of our body, Kaneki-kun. You’ve been eating a lot these days and your body probably can’t hold it. You need to do something to get rid of all that fat.’’

‘’ _You’ll need to get rid of that fat if you don’t want to be like your mother_.’’

‘’ _No one loves fatties_.’’

Kaneki hadn’t paid any attention to his diet. He didn’t have time for that. But now he had to confront the consequences. Again.

And he felt disgusting. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is trash. And yes, I know everyone says that about their own work, but this is serious trash. 
> 
> Still, I'm going to continue this trash till it's finished.
> 
> Until next chapter!


	13. I saw it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! This time it didn't take 3 months to update.  
> I'm pretty proud of myself. Also thanks for the lovely comments ^^  
> Well, enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Angst

_‘’You’ll need to get rid of that fat if you don’t want to be like your mother.’’_

His father didn’t love his mother. Kaneki was young, but he wasn’t naïf like most of the kids that were his age. He noticed that there was no love that his parents shared, like people in fairy tales would have. The questions ‘Why don’t they love each other?’ and ‘Why don’t they leave each other?’ were never answered. Even now, Kaneki didn’t know the answer why this relationship between his mom and dad existed.

Kaneki was very young when he saw things that kids his age shouldn’t see. Like his father who loved his booze and did things like bringing over some young woman to only fall asleep with on their little couch. Or his mother who knew about the women who slept in her own house, but tried to pretend it didn’t had to do anything with her. There were some nights when Kaneki was woken up by his mother’s cries while she was eating her sadness away. She probably loved his father in some way.

She acted like everything was fine in front of her child, always smiling like everything was okay. Kaneki believed her for some time.

She was an ambitious woman, painting for most of the day, and if not, she was translating foreign books in the study room. She cooked the most delicious meals, cleaned the house thoroughly, brought him to school and got him back home. She was his safety.

Only when his father was home, the safety faded away. Kaneki hated his father for doing that. He was young, but he knew that he was the cause of the tension that was there in their house. He asked himself why his mother wouldn’t leave him. He still did.

They didn’t have a lot of money. That was possibly the reason why his parents wouldn’t let go. They needed each other for financial support. They had both failed being a decent adult and caring for themselves.

But why couldn’t they love each other? There was something that had brought them together, so why did it look like it wasn’t there anymore?

Years of ignoring one another stopped when Kaneki became older. His father found new methods to relieve whatever he needed to relieve. Instead of coming home with women, he came home drunk. He wasn’t the type who got all funny when he drank. He showed his most aggressive side.

Fortunately, Kaneki didn’t exist in his father’s world. He was never recognised by him. He was just another piece of furniture in their little house to him. The advantage of not being a victim of his father’s tantrums came along with that.

His mother wasn’t as lucky as he was.

Every night when he would come home, Kaneki was sent upstairs, because she didn’t want him to hear it. The insults that were thrown at her, together with the sound of bottles clashing against the wall. She didn’t want him to hear it.

But the sounds were so loud that they never went unnoticed. It didn’t matter how hard he pressed his pillow against his ears or how he tried to go to the most isolated corner, away from the sounds that were made downstairs. It didn’t even matter when there were days that he succeeded to not hear anything. Just the thought that there was something going on made him anxious.

Kaneki was glad that his father didn’t actually touch her. He threw things at her, but he never touched her. That was something that kept his mother safe.

Then the day came when his father began to speak to him. He was eleven years old. Kaneki just came home from school, and was surprised when he found his father seated in their big chair where his mother always drank tea. It seemed like she had no time for that anymore, though. She was mostly in the study room. Maybe was he coming home early more often, and did she try to hide herself. Kaneki didn’t know. After school he would be with Hide most of the time.

‘’Boy, you’re growing up fast.’’

He wasn’t even looking at him. Kaneki’s hatred towards his father had grown through the years. It felt like the man didn’t have the right to talk to him. Despite of all the negative feelings, Kaneki had kept his place. He wanted to listen to what his old man had to tell him.

‘’You’re really your mother’s child.’’

There was annoyance.

‘’I despise her, you know. For how weak she is. She can’t even confront her problems.’’

_Look at yourself._

‘’If she was a little stronger, she wouldn’t have turned out like she has now.’’

_You’ve no right to talk about her like that._

‘’fat and ugly.’’ He finally turned to look in Kaneki’s face. He laughed.

‘’Watch out, Ken. I’m only warning you. Don’t think that you can survive by waiting for kindness to come to you. Your mother did as well. She thought that life would treat her kindly if she would only bring kindness.’’

_And that is true, if she didn’t hook up with someone like you._

‘’Don’t feel sorry for her, Ken. She is the only one who got herself in this dirty situation.’’

_Mother was just unlucky._

He got out of his chair, walking slowly towards Kaneki, crouching down so their faces were on the same level. This was the closest he had ever gotten to his father.

‘’Don’t ever think that life will treat you kindly, Ken. Don’t ever think that people like your mother don’t get spewed out by society.’’

‘’You’ll need to get rid of that fat if you don’t want to be like your mother. You will never get a place you can call home if you look like that.’’

His father took his chin. Kaneki wished that he had taken the stairs earlier instead of staying here. Now it didn’t matter anymore.

You don’t want to end up in a place like this, do you?’’ Kaneki shook his head.

‘’Then listen to my advice. Don’t do anything that your mother has ever done.’’

 

From that day on, Kaneki loathed his mother and everything she did.

 

He stopped eating. Didn’t want to be hated like his father said. In a normal household, the parents would notice the sudden change in eating habits, but Kaneki’s family was far from normal. His mother was the only one besides him who ate at home, but she got too busy with herself as the years passed by. It was hard at first, but it was something to get used to.

He knew it was wrong and so unhealthy, but the thought that he would be hated and never find a place where he could be safe was worse. For him, it was that or the other.

He got paler, but that was something he was willing to pay. He got thinner and the boys from his class would comment on it, but he could ignore that. The only thing that hurt him was that it was like it didn’t work. His hard work to fit in didn’t work. His father’s advice didn’t seem to work.

Maybe he had to try harder.

It wasn’t rare that he would faint after too much exertion. No one really stuck their nose in it.

The only one who ever noticed that something was wrong with him was Hide.

And now there was Tsukiyama as well.

   
 ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
Hide was happy to be back in his cosy dorm room. School had just begun and it felt great. Most of the people were sulking when they got back from where they’ve been. It felt great to be away from home again.

Every year, it got worse when he would return home. It was that his parents were trying to force him into something that he didn’t want to do. Hide didn’t want to be one of them. Not that he knew what he wanted to do or be in the future, or had he ever thought about it. Maybe it was a good idea to stop for a moment and seriously think about what he wanted with his life, if Hide wanted to leave his family as fast as possible. He had to come up with a plan.

He knew that he had bluntly proposed some plan that came up to Kaneki, but that wasn’t anything to work with. Sure, it would be pretty decent to leave the country and start all over again. But life never had mercy on him and there was a big chance that things wouldn’t work out like in theory and that would mean him going back to his family. That wasn’t the kind of ending he wanted. Also, it would be pretty odd if Kaneki agreed on the plan. That guy wouldn’t leave anything comforting for sure.

Speaking of that guy, Hide hadn’t seen Kaneki since he left Hide’s place with Tsukiyama. After Hide was done with changing his clothes, Kaneki was at least ten shades paler, if paleness could be divided in shades, that is. Tsukiyama was there too.

Hide knew that he shouldn’t jump to conclusions if he didn’t have any proof, but he just knew that Kaneki’s change in mood had to do with that guy. It just had to be. It was like watching characters in a movie suddenly look scared without actually knowing what caused their shock. But you know that it is the villain of the story who has done this. It is always like that. And here it was the exact same situation.

Maybe he got ill? Maybe he was still ill and lonely in his room, waiting for someone to help him. That kid wouldn’t survive all by himself. There was a lot that changed since he had last seen Kaneki, but the helplessness stayed. Like when Hide always had to tie his laces because, apparently, Kaneki never learned that from his parents. Or that Kaneki always went to his house if he got hurt somewhere. Hide’s mother would always take care of him. That was normal, right?

He came to think of it, why did they never go to Kaneki’s place? No, it was not the first time he asked himself that, but it just popped into his mind. He knew it had to do with the other’s parents. Not that Kaneki had told him directly about his home situation, but Hide could put the pieces together from what he had seen. With that he meant Kaneki’s behaviour. It was clear that the comfort in Kaneki’s eyes with the female teachers and the emotion that seemed like bitterness with the other sex. This was basically Kaneki saying ‘’Mama is good, Papa is bad’’.

He didn’t have to be some genius to find that out. It was general knowledge that, well, he wouldn’t go to deep into it. The only thing that mattered was that Hide knew that Kaneki’s family was something to stay away from. But why?

From what Hide knew was that Kaneki came from a fairly normal family. The parents must have loved each other somewhere in the past. They must have loved their child. Then why did he have the feeling that that wasn’t the case with Kaneki? That was something that only Kaneki could tell him.

And since they did ‘things’ together, their trustful bond must have strengthened, or something like that. If he would go to Kaneki right now, he could ask him about the past and maybe get actual honest answers. That would be something new.

Yet, when Hide knocked on Kaneki’s door, there was no answer. Hide stood there for some minutes, looking at his hands intersecting and thinking of knocking again. He knocked again, and again, no life.

It was after school, so no way that Kaneki was still at the head building. No after school activities were planned today, so there was only one other option.

That dusty library.

 

Kaneki was indeed in his(well, no one else used it besides Kaneki and the purple creep) library reading some of the old stuff that could be found in the school catalogue. And as always, Tsukiyama had to be there too. Every time Hide needed Kaneki for something, that guy would have his ways to ruin it.

Hide was staring at the two through the front windows. It was probably pretty creepy what he was doing now, but he couldn’t help it but look at the two. Laughing over something he would never understand. Maybe that was something that was good about Tsukiyama. Kaneki never had friends he could discuss his hobbies with. Hide would listen, but never understand anything of his ramblings.

But wait no.

There was nothing good about Tsukiyama. He was just using tricks on Kaneki, but the boy was oblivious and didn’t see it. He was in fact… already trapped.

Hide felt stupid about forgetting that. He felt for the first time stupid about what he had done. He felt oh so stupid. Because Kaneki had sort of already confessed that he liked someone before Hide had thrown everything away and put his mouth against the smaller boy’s. It was a dick move. That’s why Kaneki had said ‘’I don’t know yet’’. He did know, he just wanted to be polite and probably let Hide forget that he had ever asked him.

Kaneki liked Tsukiyama. There was no arguing about that. But it made Hide upset seeing that Kaneki saw a value in his advice and ignored it.

But why? Why had Kaneki come up to him and ask for his comfort and understanding? Why had Kaneki let him go down on him if he knew that Hide wasn’t the person he wanted to be in that sort of situation?

Now the intoxication he had gotten from that night had worn of, Hide could think clearly again. And he hated everything.

Tsukiyama was an asshole, Kaneki was too blind to see what was happening around him, and he himself…

He was naïve and brainless and a teenager driven by hormones and… and he should have been aware that one kiss wouldn’t change anything like in some stupid movie.

This morning he was still happy, but that escalated quickly and all he could do now was kicking the wall and get away from this place.

It did hurt pretty much.

  
  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

  
Kaneki was definitely not in the mood to spend his free time with Tsukiyama when he asked. He hadn’t seen Hide since he got back from his place. Hide would freak out if he saw him now.

He had been avoiding eating the last week. And Kaneki knew it wasn’t true. He tried to convince himself that, no, Tsukiyama wasn’t right. His body wasn’t something that would be seen as fat, or even chubby. Only if it hadn’t been an old habit that could come back too easily. It was too easy for that one voice in his head to say ‘’You can take a little less food right?’’ or ‘’You still have a lot of work to do, and taking a break to eat something would be a waste of time right?’’. It was horrible.

But Tsukiyama didn’t seem to be annoyed with him or whatsoever. And it was also way too easy to piece that together with him changing his diet, again.

After he had to go to the children’s prison, he didn’t get a lot of food. So he taught himself to eat everything he got. That was after three years of living of only water and air. It drove his bad habit away.

But now it came back again, and he wasn’t sure how long it would take to get rid of it, again.

‘’Are you listening Kaneki-kun?’’

No, he wasn’t.

Tsukiyama gave him a sympathetic smile, probably thinking that he got too little sleep and that’s why he was dozing off. ‘’I was asking you if you wanted to go to the town this weekend and maybe drink something together?’’

Kaneki stood up. ‘’I don’t know if I have time for that, Tsukiyama-san.’’ He started to search where he had to put his book back. ‘’It’s like January and end terms will be soon, so there’s still tons of wor-‘’

Tsukiyama was embracing him from behind. How could he always get from place to place so fast?

The dizzy warmth filled up his body. It was all fake. The warmth and lightness. It shouldn’t happen. But it happened. When Kaneki was turned around and faced the older guy. When Kaneki saw Tsukiyama bending forward. When he felt lips against his.

It wasn’t the same as Hide’s. It just didn’t have the same spark. But it did make Kaneki’s mind all fuzzy, not able to think anymore.

Tsukiyama was faster and rougher than Hide. He could feel the other’s hands gripping and pushing his bony shoulders against the shelf. He could feel himself slip until he sat on the ground. He didn’t like it. Kaneki didn’t like it.

He couldn’t do anything about it.

Kaneki then heard a mumble between the kisses, that sounded like ‘’You’re beautiful’’ and ‘’I love you’’. Kaneki felt trapped and hopeless, not able to do anything before he whispered ‘’me too’’.

_‘’You’re beautiful.’’_

_‘’You’re really your mother’s child.’’_

_‘’…how weak she is’’._

_‘’weak’’._

He was indeed weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some parts feel like an anti-climax and turn unrealistic and cringy.  
> Could have been worse ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> I'm still searching for a writing style that fits the story so please bear with me. Also, I'm actually going to finish this piece. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> ~N


	14. I've seen enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took longer than I expected. I couldn't decide on when to end this chapter, and I think I will have difficulties with writing the next one, but that's for another time.  
> Enjoy!

It was something like the Pavlov reaction.

When one would have a certain reaction on something that triggered it, like the dog that would drool when some bell rang, saying ‘’food will come!’’. Even if there was no food, the dog’s mouth would water.

It was something like that.

That Kaneki stiffened if someone touched him, even when it was not to harm. When people came too close, too close for him to be comfortable, it was like he got turned off. He wouldn’t resist anymore. Or fight. Fighting was bad and had bad consequences and bad people wouldn’t like the fighting back and do bad things.

Or that when he would get fuzzy in his head, so light that he couldn’t support the missing weight anymore, he would throw up. It was that trigger. It had never disappeared. It would never leave him. He would throw up all his guts, like he did when he saw his father’s distasteful look towards his mother. Towards him. He was his mother.

It wasn’t like that at all.

Kaneki just wanted to give his weird quirks a name. Everything that had a name was normal, could be explained. He wasn’t normal and would never be. People loved to let him know that. Like when he walked through the hallway, his skin now paler in the springtime light. Paler in contrast with Tsukiyama’s healthy colour, always accompanying him through the school.

The teasing, or what could be called that, had stopped. People seemed scared, avoiding him as much as possible. They didn’t touch him anymore, and didn’t lay their hands on his stuff. Kaneki was relieved about that. He had never asked for attention, and now that he didn’t get any of it, the least he could say was that he was glad.

But he wasn’t happy. He didn’t feel relieved, because when everything had come to an end, it was immediately replaced by something that was much worse.

They would whisper. There were always whispers around him, like some background noise, but buzzing too hard to be ignored. In his classroom, the hallways, even the little library or his own bedroom. There were no actual whispers in the last two places, because there were never people who would listen to the other’s whispers. But Kaneki would only have to look at Tsukiyama’s face, and the noise could be heard. Just like that, and it was the same in his sleep. It gave him headaches.

Kaneki quit his club, too scared to have to come that close to the people he knew were no better than the rest. No better than the other whispers. They were all just whispers.

He had to endure it for three weeks already. It has been three weeks since he came back from Tsukiyama’s mansion and that guy wouldn’t leave his side. Sometimes he would ask himself why he didn’t do anything about it. Then he came to the conclusion that he couldn’t do anything about it. Because Kaneki knew that if he went his own way, there would be a far worse outcome than when he would keep his role. The role of that boy that had no will and was always on the side of Tsukiyama.

 

The fact that the guy was always with Kaneki, made Kaneki always remember his weak points. Everyone else on this planet who was a little bit normal or well raised, would ask Kaneki about why he wouldn’t eat anymore. Everyone who was as clingy as Tsukiyama, would have noticed. But Tsukiyama didn’t.

It was not like Tsukiyama didn’t notice, it was like he didn’t mind. No, he always looked at Kaneki with a satisfied smile stuck to his face. A smile that said ‘’I’m happy the way you are’’. And Kaneki would believe it. That he had improved, and was still improving. He believed that he was doing what was good for everyone.

There were moments when those thoughts would give some place for guilt. Even if he hadn’t seen him for three weeks or so, Kaneki knew that Hide wouldn’t be okay with this at all. Guilt set in his gut when Kaneki thought about his friend. When he imagined his friend’s worried expression, asking why Kaneki would abuse his own body.

But Kaneki couldn’t be selfish enough to take things that others could use more than him, like his mother did. She would take, and never give. Even though Kaneki didn’t want to believe his father, there was no way he could deny his father’s point. His mother was too weak to stop herself from taking. He didn’t want to be like her. And he would do anything to not become someone who was not wanted. Like back then, Kaneki had started off with taking food, like his mother always did.

Even now, he knew that he didn’t need it. He knew that if he would take too much, that he would end up like his mother. Unwanted.

The lightness in his head had been pushed away a long time ago. It didn’t do anything to him anymore. He surely did not completely skip his meals, because he knew that no one could survive without. It was just that he put his limit on the bare minimum. That’s all.

He could focus on the end terms better now. They were coming up, and he could sense it everywhere around him. As a second-year student, Kaneki didn’t have to worry much about what he was going to do after graduation, yet he had to do his best to stay focussed and pass this year.

He wanted this year to be over already. Since this was Tsukiyama’s last year, Kaneki would only have to deal with him for a couple more months. Then he would be free. Then Hide wouldn’t be in any danger anymore. That thought made Kaneki smile.

A dreamy smile while having his teacher-student meeting. It couldn’t be helped.

‘’Most of your results are above average, so I assume you’re doing just fine, Kaneki.’’

Kaneki teared his gaze away from the window he had been staring at, and looked at his homeroom teacher. Luckily, Amon didn’t notice him not paying attention. ‘’Yes, sir. I will do my best.’’ Kaneki had mastered the skill of getting away as soon as possible by telling people what they want to hear. But apparently it wasn’t enough for Amon.

‘’Is something bothering you?’’ Amon organised the papers in front of him. ‘’Did anything happen that may concern me?’’

Kaneki was taken aback by these questions. He hadn’t expected anyone to look at him so closely to see changes. It warmed his hearth a bit. Being taken care of surely felt nice, even if it was only the amount of care that his teacher gave him.

He touched his chin. ‘’No, sir. I think it has to do with the end of the year nearing. That is all. But thank you for your concern.’’ Kaneki gave Amon a smile, and it almost seemed like his teacher wouldn’t take it, that he wouldn’t leave it at this, but then shrugged and dismissed Kaneki.

When Kaneki wanted to leave his classroom, Amon stood behind him and almost whispered: ‘’Be sure to take care of yourself, okay?’’

Kaneki was taking care of himself.

  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

His friend must always have had a special talent for hiding or something like that. The last month Hide has been looking around the crowd for Kaneki now and then. No that was a lie. Hide checks, or at least tries to, on Kaneki, but for some reason he always tended to miss him.

It was really frustrating. Not only because Hide couldn’t understand how they could possibly pass three weeks without even having seen a glimpse of each other, it was also that Hide hadn’t seen Tsukiyama for three weeks. He had come across him a couple of times, yes, but that was because that guy was like two meters tall and had purple hair. But that Tsukiyama was almost as absent as Kaneki was, meant that those two had to be together. Always together. That thought alone worried Hide like no other.

‘’Don’t give me that look, it’s creepy.’’

Touji started to pick up his lunch leftovers, not commenting on Hide’s confused expression after he took him away from his thoughts. He was a bit out of it and hopeless, because he couldn’t find his friend. Hide shrugged and began to put his table on its original place. It wasn’t like telling his friend that he just felt down because he wasn’t able to find his friend would help him.

‘’Something is bothering you.’’

And there was no point in not telling anything. Hide sighed and turned around. ‘’Ever since school has started again, I can’t seem to find Kaneki. It’s like he’s gone.’’

‘’I can assure you that’s he’s not.’’

‘’I know that, idiot. I told you that it just looks like-‘’

‘’To help you out of your nightmare, I just saw him some minutes ago in the hallway near the restrooms when I went there to take a-’’

Hide dropped his stuff on his table and ran to the hallway. Somewhere behind him, he heard Touji shouting.

‘’Class is gonna start soon! Where are you going?’’

Hide looked behind him. ‘’Please tell them that I had to go to the nurse. Thanks!’’

Fat chance that Kaneki was still there, but it was better than nothing. Hide tried not to push people away because he wanted to rush, but he couldn’t help to shoosh some away with a bit of violence.

At the end of the hallway, Kaneki came out of the restroom. At the same time, the bell rang and people walked to their classrooms. Kaneki was a bit startled by the sudden sound, then started to walk towards what Hide assumed was his classroom. But Hide couldn’t let that happen. Classes be damned.

Hide ran the last few meters, but stopped when he wanted to shout the other boy’s name. He had seen a ghost.

But that ghost was Kaneki. And that ghost was leaving the hallway.

‘’Kaneki!’’

The ghost turned around, and Hide’s eyes widened. The pale pastry skin, dull hair, and overall skinniness could be seen from afar, but the lifeless eyes and skimpy face were something else. A lump appeared in Hide’s throat, and he couldn’t say anything anymore. Not that what he was about to say did matter now. There were other things to discuss than Kaneki’s invisibility.

Was it possible for someone to fall apart like that in such a short amount of time? Hide had seen Kaneki worse than this, but Hide didn’t want to get to that point again. And if Hide would let Kaneki go this time, it would probably only go downward.

‘’What is it, Hide?’’

It was cold, and it hurt a bit to hear his friend react like that after not having been able to see each other for a long time. But it was about Kaneki now. Hide couldn’t consider his own feelings now. He tried to relax a bit, but he stiffened only more. And Kaneki looked at him like he wanted to leave right now.

‘’Kaneki, you look like you just crawled out of your grave.’’ Hide’s laugh was empty. He was really scared.

Kaneki didn’t seem to take it seriously, looking sheepishly, and before he could open his mouth to say something, Hide took his chance. ‘’No kidding.’’

He mustn’t have looked in a mirror for the past month, because when Hide pointed out that he was serious, Kaneki looked shocked. It wasn’t fair that the boy didn’t seem to have any self-awareness. It wasn’t fair that he didn’t notice that he was simply abusing himself.

‘’Have you been eating enough?’’

Hide could see the guilt on his face. It made him angry. _Be sorry for yourself, not for me._

The other’s hands gripped his bag tightly. Thoughts were probably filling the boy’s mind, and it was never good for Kaneki to think more than to talk. It was killing him.

‘’Kaneki, I’m sorry to say so, but you need some serious help. I don’t want you to end up like you did years ago.’’ Hide tried to get a hold on Kaneki, but before he could, Kaneki started to shiver. He began to sweat and lose his footing.

‘’Kaneki?’’ Hide needed some seconds to respond and got Kaneki before he fell to the ground. He was panting like he was running a fever, and Hide had no idea of what to do. He just panicked.

‘’Hey, ‘Neki. It’s going to be okay.’’ Hide tried to shush him, tried to calm him down. Yet, nothing worked. The pants came out faster and more erratic, his expression was pained. Hide had to stop Kaneki from hyperventilating, or things weren’t going to look funny in the future.

‘’Kaneki listen to me, okay? You’re going to be okay, we just have to make sure that you calm down, okay?’’ Hide had no idea if Kaneki could hear him or not, but he tried. He tried so hard. ‘’Try to purse your lips- Yes, like that.’’ Luckily, Kaneki was still there and could reproduce what he was told.

Kaneki was still breathing heavily through his nose, his head now on Hide’s lap, Hide’s hands and arms supporting him. ‘’Now, listen to my breathing, and try to copy the rhythm.’’ Hide tried to keep his own breathing calm and relaxed, which was hard, but manageable. Kaneki’s breathing was slowing down, and the shivering became less. Hide smiled out of relieve.

‘’You’re doing great, keep it up.’’

The boy in his lap looked fragile to the point that he would break if Hide sighed. It made him sad to see his friend like this, so helpless without any idea of what to do. Hide would help him. He would protect him.

It took some more minutes and support from Hide for Kaneki to relax and get up slowly. Hide helped him with every little step and movement he made. Hide was sure now that he wouldn’t let Kaneki get away. He had to keep an eye on him, because some other person wasn’t able to do that. Hide hated it that Tsukiyama stood between them. Hide despised him for always being around his friend and not taking care of him. Hide hated himself for not being able to do anything.

Kaneki gripped onto Hide’s shirt, still needing the extra support to gain his balance. It was hard for him, and he lay his head on Hide’s chest. Then Hide realized that they hadn’t been this close since that evening, and remembering that created some colour on his face. Good thing that Kaneki didn’t see it.

‘’I’m a complete weirdo, aren’t I?’’

Hide snorted quietly, petting Kaneki’s head. ‘’Yes you are.’’

‘’And so am I.’’

 

Kaneki didn’t eat anymore. It didn’t matter what Hide did to get him to at least get the minimum, Kaneki wouldn’t stop being stubborn and do what was good for him. The worst part of it, Hide couldn’t help himself from believing every time Kaneki said that, yes, he did eat or that he was about to safe himself from starvation.

Hide just couldn’t handle another break down from Kaneki. Something had triggered his mind back then. It was stress mixed with his lack of nutrition. Hide didn’t want to give him a panic attack again. So he kept his mouth shut.

Fortunately, Hide saw Kaneki on daily basis now for some reason, mostly without Tsukiyama being around. Because of the end terms coming up, their upperclassmen had to spend more time at school than the other grades, which relieved Hide. Even someone like that guy had to follow the school rules and had to give up his free time.

Hide would do anything to protect Kaneki. If Kaneki couldn’t take care of himself alone, he would help him. It wouldn’t be like all those years ago.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel the tension building up? Because I don't.


	15. Breaking it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is trash, but hopefully enjoyable trash.

‘’Wouldn’t it be nice to play the trumpet?’’

Where Hide’s questions always came from, Kaneki had no clue. They mostly made no sense and Kaneki almost felt attacked by the sudden questions Hide would ask. He wasn’t able to answer properly, but it wasn’t that Hide wanted a serious reply, so it was not really a problem.

The weather was improving slowly but surely. The cold and dry air was still there, and Kaneki couldn’t wait for the longer and sunnier days. Because, after some time, the never ending grey clouds became boring. He missed the warmth on his skin without having to put on five layers to keep it.

Also, Kaneki wanted to have a place to sit and relax besides the library. It felt like it wasn’t his anymore, and that made it slightly uncomfortable to lay here his head on the table. Like the norms and values he was brought up with told him that that was rude to do, as if he was at a stranger’s place.

But he was too tired to give a care and shoved the uneasiness away for now. The wood of the table had lost its coolness now, and Kaneki was losing himself in tracing the irregularities in the wood with his finger.

‘’Why the trumpet?’’

He heard Hide going through pages of what had to be a book. The trumpet question probably came up when Hide was reading and came across brass instruments or something like that. Why Hide was suddenly interested in the material that could be found here, was something to ask later on.

Hide’s face was on the same level as his, now only dogearing the pages and unfolding them again. Kaneki let the table take a break from his fingers and looked at Hide, who shrugged.

‘’I don’t know. But the instrument always takes all the attention, right? If I were to play in a band, I would choose the trumpet.’’ Hide looked as if he had planned out his whole future within these mere minutes. It was a future full of success, that’s what Hide’s expression told Kaneki. Hide wasn’t seriously considering being a trumpet player, was he?

‘’I thought you wanted to be a songwriter?’’ His arms were falling asleep, so Kaneki sat right up and stretched his arms.

Hide sighed. He was somewhere else with his mind, totally unfocussed. Kaneki asked himself if that was because of the end terms nearing, because normal students would be studying like crazy around this time. Not that he wasn’t a normal student, he just needed less time to prepare for the last exams. But then again, Hide wasn’t a normal student either. Knowing him, Hide wasn’t one to crumble under stress.

‘’Well, I should broaden my horizon as much as I can, shouldn’t I? Otherwise I will end up being stuck in here.’’ Then he gasped.

‘’You still remember that? Why?’’

Hide sounded surprised but overall happy that Kaneki had remembered such a trivial thing. Maybe it was for Hide, but Kaneki had thought about what he had said that night a couple of times. Kaneki took it more serious than he probably should have.

‘’It seemed important to you, and your enthusiasm really hit the spot. Why wouldn’t I remember?’’

Kaneki couldn’t help but smile at the thought that Hide wanted to run away with him. Hide had assured him that it was okay to be around him, even that he loved Kaneki being around him. And after so many times that Kaneki had left him out, he still asked Kaneki to hang out with him. Kaneki could cry only because of that.

He hadn’t been fair to Hide, but he kept convincing himself that it was for the best. It was for Hide’s own sake.

‘’Will you?’’

Hide was grinning like an idiot, fitting his cheek in his palm. But even with that smile plastered on his face, Kaneki knew that Hide was dead serious. And it felt like that snowy morning all over again.

‘’You’ve got no place to return to after we graduate, so why don’t we go and discover the world together or something stupid like that?’’

‘’But you still have a place that you can call home.’’

‘’I don’t.’’

That could be true, that Hide’s home was as non-existent as his own, but Hide did have a purpose to return to his family. He had a family to take care of and to fulfil duties and make his parents proud.

‘’What about your dad? Isn’t he going to miss you-‘’

Hide snorted.

‘’By the time that that old man misses me, snails have taken over the world and probably eaten his brain.’’

That confused Kaneki, because he remembered Hide telling him about how his father wanted him to take his place in the future. That he had to do what his father told him if he wanted his mother to be safe. That didn’t match up with what Hide said now.

‘’I know that I’ve been talking about ‘keeping my mom safe’ and ‘following his orders or else’, but I came to the conclusion that I too focused on that to be aware that my mom can take care of herself. She’s an independent woman. I thought that ‘she’s probably somewhere abroad living her life to the fullest’ or something like that. She’s not stupid enough to stay here, being aware that I don’t need her either.’’

It sounded harsh, a mother thinking that her son didn’t need her. But the way Hide brought it made it seem like an act out of having faith in each other, not one out of selfishness. This mutual trust made Kaneki feel warm inside.

‘’And my dad, I’ll easily be replaced.’’ Hide chuckled, as if it was funny. ‘’The last time I visited my old man, I noticed that he didn’t say anything about the future, or my ‘job’. Then I knew that if I left, that man wouldn’t put any effort in searching for me. There are tons of people who can do what I’ve been seeing as my fate. In his eyes, I’m useless.’’

‘’But you’re not.’’

Hide got startled by the tone, heaving his head and looked at Kaneki. He wanted to let Hide know that he was needed. That Kaneki needed him.

‘’There are so many people who need you, even if you are too stubborn to see that. Without you, the world would be some kind of dark place.’’ _At least, it would be for me_. ‘’Show some confidence, because you are not useless!’’

A genuine laugh rolled over Hide’s lips. ‘’Kaneki, you can stop. Calm down a bit.’’

He got up and got Kaneki out of his chair as well, and took his hands when he didn’t stop rambling. Kaneki got out of his trance and looked at Hide, who was suddenly very close.

‘’You’re exaggerating it, man.’’

‘’But Hide, it’s true. You should-‘’

‘’I love you.’’

There was only the silence Kaneki could reply with. Hide was squeezing his hands, looking at him with so much warmth in his eyes. And Kaneki was so scared. So scared for Hide. So scared that.

‘’I’m dating Tsukiyama-san.’’

It wasn’t even true, but it was believable. Enough to make the lovely and warm atmosphere to disappear. Hide didn’t let go of his hands though.

‘’That’s not even a proper answer.’’

It indeed wasn’t. It was too abrupt and coming out of nowhere. But Kaneki didn’t know what to do. He had to push him away. For now at least. Kaneki looked the other way. Hide’s smile that was faltering wasn’t a pretty sight to see. He couldn’t return now.

‘’I know, but it was about time that I told you.’’

Kaneki didn’t look up when Hide finally let go, or when he took his bag, or when he told him to ‘’stop messing with me, Kaneki’’. Or when he heard the door open and soon after to be slammed shut again.

  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

Hide couldn’t do it. He was too damn weak to give his friend a slap in the face and tell him that he had to wake up from this ridiculous dream and live in the reality. That he couldn’t kill himself because of who knows what reason he was using to let himself starve. That there was no way Tsukiyama loved him or was any good for Kaneki.

Hide was too scared that he would somehow say something stupid that would make Kaneki run away from him or stress him out. Kaneki was so fragile, and there was no way he would still stand after one small blow.

But now, it was too late. Hide had waited too long. He had let Kaneki walk alone and he was picked up by someone else.

How hard he tried to push the bitter feeling away, Hide couldn’t help but feel played by Kaneki. Did Kaneki forget about the whole evening and morning after? Because if he did, then it mustn’t have been important to Kaneki.

It was unfair. So unfair that he did value the time together, and Kaneki, didn’t.

He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

‘’Do you feel uncomfortable, Kaneki-kun?’’

He was always hungry for his neck. Biting and sucking the flesh that surrounded it. It made him feel numb, some sort of switch off for self-control. Kaneki felt half asleep, his eye lids drooping, hands loosely gripping Tsukiyama’s shirt.

Tsukiyama had taken some time off from studying, asking Kaneki if he could come with him to his room after school. He knew he couldn’t turn down the invitation, he had to keep up his game.

But when Tsukiyama took his hand and pushed him towards the bed, Kaneki didn’t know if he could keep playing.

Kaneki shook his head, not trusting his words, while the other couldn’t stop touching him. He didn’t seem to mind that Kaneki’s reactions were the same as one of a ragdoll.

Then the whole world made a turn and he was looking at the ceiling. He could barely tell that the buttons of his shirt were all undone, Tsukiyama lifting him of the bed to pull it off. 

This was going too far, Kaneki knew that. He didn’t like the kisses scattering all over his chest, going downwards. This was going too far for some game he had made up. But he couldn’t get himself to stop Tsukiyama. Everyone was doing their best in this game, except for himself. Everyone had taken their role and went with the flow, so why didn’t he do that as well?

He felt Tsukiyama shuffle around the bed, throwing off his own clothing, then continued with Kaneki.

‘’Sto-.’’

Tsukiyama looked up. Kaneki had not meant to speak up, but his last spark of willpower pushed the word out. He didn’t want it, and he could stop it.

The man hovering above him smirked, swiped away Kaneki’s hair from his forehead and kissed between his eyebrows. He moved close to his ear, nibbling the shell.

‘’We can’t stop right now, can we?’’

He couldn’t stop it.

Not when he lay there open and exposed, nothing on anymore to hide. Not when Tsukiyama pushed into him. Not when the pain didn’t subside after what felt like a long time.

‘’You’re beautiful, Kaneki-kun.’’

He could only focus on the irregularities on the ceiling. Spots were being counted while Tsukiyama was far gone in his own heavenly place.

It was so sad to think that this was the only choice he had. There had to be more than this. The self-pity made Kaneki tear up. He couldn’t focus on the ceiling anymore, view too hazy. It hurt and there was nothing to distract him from the pain.

He wanted to scream, so someone from above would know and make it stop. Just to make it stop. It didn’t have to be permanently, but right now he wanted nothing else but everything to be over with it.

Somewhere far away, he could hear a trumpet. Probably it was his imagination, but it sounded lovely and warm. It could have been Hide.

Whimpers left him, and he felt as if he was falling.

  ~~\--------------------- ~~\------------~~~~

The weather wasn’t howling with him. The clouds were nowhere to be found, and the temperature outside was soft on his skin. People shouting could be heard through the small opening of the windows, being happy they could be on the sports field again.

His friends didn’t even ask any more if he was okay, because they had done that so many times already. They knew that they wouldn’t get a decent answer back, so they just let him be.

And maybe it was true. Hide could be some hellish drama queen, but now he didn’t feel like he was over doing it. He was lonely.

 

Hide heard them talk when he passed the classroom. He didn’t know who they were, but he knew who they were talking about.

He ran as fast as he could through the hallways, not exactly knowing where he had to go, but he was sure he would find it.

‘ _’Did you see what happened then?_ ’’

‘’ _First we thought that it was just Kaneki stumbling over his own feet, but he had fainted._ ’’

These people were Kaneki’s classmates. There was something that had happened, and Kaneki played the main character in that scene. After Hide had heard his friend’s name, he began to run.

‘’ _I don’t know the details, soon after he was brought to the nurse’s room_.’’

Kaneki was going to be okay, right? Kaneki could be saved, right? Hide hadn’t paid attention to him and now Kaneki had gone too far. Too far for himself to handle it all.

Hide was going to the nurse’s room to seriously beat his friend up for doing this to himself.

But when Hide slammed the door open of the nurse’s office, he forgot everything he wanted to say.

Kaneki was sitting up straight, eyes still wide from the sudden hard sound. He was wearing his P.E. uniform, bruises and scraped littered over his face. He looked sickly, face hollow. In short, Hide was face to face with a wreck.

Hide then remembered why he never scolded Kaneki. He didn’t kick puppies, and he definitely didn’t shout at Kaneki. He couldn’t get it over his heart to do that.

But now wasn’t the time for empathy or sympathy or anything like that.

‘’What happened?’’

Hide kept his place when Kaneki looked at him. Kaneki’s body language said ‘don’t come closer to me’, so he did as he was told.

Kaneki laughed awkwardly, scratching his cheek. He too understood that it was time to face his friend. That was what made it so difficult.

‘’I’m told that I fainted while running. I don’t really remember.’’

‘’You know why you fainted?’’

‘’Well, it could be because-‘’

‘’ _It’s because you can’t take care of yourself, Kaneki_.’’

Kaneki’s form jumped a bit when Hide shifted to a sharp tone. Hide didn’t try to comfort him. He continued.

‘’It’s because you’re stupid enough to have not seen this coming. It’s because you didn’t listen to me when I warned you. It’s because Tsukiyama-‘’

‘’Tsukiyama-san doesn’t have anything to do with this.’’

Kaneki’s voice sounded stronger than it had for months. Why was he defending the one who was the evil-doer? It frustrated Hide to the point that he didn’t care anymore what he would blurt out.

‘’That guy has done everything what is wrong and you’re still following him like his pet dog! You don’t even notice how _wrong_ this is.’’

‘’I’m doing _nothing_ wrong, and he does _nothing_ wrong, Hide.’’ Kaneki’s words were meant to sound heated, but instead he sounded so sad. It was hard to talk with the lump forming in his throat. It was unfair how oblivious a person could be. It was unfair how Kaneki was and it was unfair that Hide couldn’t let it slip.

‘’Have you even seen yourself? You are a walking skeleton and you’re saying that everything is alright?!’’ So unfair. ‘’He doesn’t even love you, so cut the bullshit out and..’’ _Come with me_ , he wanted to say, but there was so much betrayal in Kaneki’s eyes that he couldn’t continue.

‘’He said that I was beautiful.’’ The words were soft. Hide almost didn’t catch it, but he did. And when he did, he wanted to scream back that Tsukiyama was lying, that it couldn’t be true, but Kaneki hissed at him.

‘’ _The only thing you’ve been telling me is what I do wrong_.”

There was no truth in that, Hide had only been worrying sick about him.

‘’Didn’t it even cross your mind that, maybe I was trying to _help_ you?’’

‘’I don’t need any help.’’

‘’That’s not what it looked like that night when you were slobbering all over me, or did it ‘Neki?’’

That was harsh to say, but he wanted to know how Kaneki felt about that. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to introduce it. A hollow laugh left Kaneki’s mouth. He had changed.

‘’Why are you bringing that up?’’

‘’Because there’s no way in _hell_ that there’s a logical line between that time and your ridiculous behaviour right now. You’re acting like a child who doesn’t have a _single_ idea of how the world works.’’

He had to stop.

‘’You’re grinding against me like some rabbit in heat, but when I ask you for only one goddamn favour, you run away.’’

He felt himself getting worked up. He had to stop.

‘ _’Let yourself get fucked up by Tsukiyama for all I care_.’’

Kaneki’s face was down, his hands trembling and gripping the blanket tightly.

‘’Get out.’’

His voice was so soft, no emotion or whatsoever. It was like nothing had happened. But the reality was different and Hide wasn’t going to leave like Kaneki wanted.

‘’Speak up, Kaneki.’’

Then Kaneki showed Hide his tear stained face. The raging energy was crossing his face.

‘’I said, _get out Hide_!’’

It was now or never.

‘’Only one fucking _thing_ I’ve ever asked you! Do you love me?’’

‘’I’ve never loved nor will I ever do! So get out, get out, _Get out_!’’

The only thing that cut through the silence was Kaneki’s pants. Pants changed into sobs. Sobs continued and would never stop.

‘’That was the only thing I needed to hear.’’

Hide made a turn and closed the door softly behind him. He walked through the empty hallways, to the main door and then to his dorm room.

He would be lying if he said that he didn’t want to break the taller man’s neck when he came into sight.

Hide stomped towards Tsukiyama and threw him against the nearest wall. Not that it did any harm, the other was still standing tall and proud facing Hide. He tried to put more pressure on his shoulders where he was holding him, but Tsukiyama didn’t seem to collapse any time soon.

‘’Where are you coming from, Nagachika? Having your first heartbreak?’’ The moron chukled. He probably knew exactly what was going on. Hide didn’t even know what he was doing now or what he was going to do next. He was still in his high from what happened.

‘’Everything is your _fault_. Kaneki is blind enough to not notice anything and you knew that all the time.’’

The innocent look Tsukiyama gave him made him sick. ‘’I might have played a little with him, but the rest is his doing.’’

‘’Letting someone think that it’s better to starve than anything else can only be done by you, _Tsukiyama_.’’

Tsukiyama turned them around without any effort, pushing Hide against the wall. But he wouldn’t give in. Tsukiyama slid his hands to Hide’s wrists and came closer. ‘’It wasn’t hard to figure out what our boy’s weakness was, so why wouldn’t I use it to have some fun?’’ He was whispering.

‘’And surprise!’’ He touched Hide’s forehead with his own. Hide looked up, tears of rage blurring his sight. ‘’I got exactly what I wanted.’’

He didn’t want to hear it anymore. ‘’ _Shut up, Tsukiyama._ ’’ It didn’t matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t get out of Tsukiyama’s grip. He wanted to put his hands over his ears. He had enough of it already.

‘’Tell me, Hide…’’ He was smiling, celebrating his victory. ‘’…Have you ever heard the whimpers of a small bird?’’

Hide’s fist came in contact with Tsukiyama’s face. He hadn’t seen it coming, and fell to the ground. Hide took his chance and threw himself at Tsukiyama. Hide tried to hurt him, that was his only goal. He wanted to hurt him so that he could never open his mouth again. Only when Tsukiyama took both of Hide fists and pushed him off of him, he knew it was over.

His scalp knocked against the wall behind him, hard enough to make him see stars. It went dark for a while, and when he got his sight back, Tsukiyama was crouching before him.

‘’It’s over, Nagachika. Go home.’’

And he left.

 

Hide’s head hurt like hell. He had managed to get himself into his room. It was hard when everything was hurting and he couldn’t stand up. He had to crawl.

He collapsed against his door and put his hand on his forehead, trying to sooth the pain. Normally, he didn’t have any problems with a little push. But this was something to worry about. Not now though, he had other things on his mind.

Everything was shit right now. Nothing had turned out as he wanted, and it sucked. He sat there for what felt like an hour, blocking out the light and trying to stop the sobs from escaping his throat.

He gave himself some time to drown in self-pity. He needed it, there was no one else who would do it for him.

Not that he wanted to be pitied, he only wanted some understanding and comfort. This was what came closest to that.

When the sun had settled down, Hide climbed up his bed and lay still for a while.

‘’ _I’m dating Tsukiyama-san_.’’

Hide could finally put his hands on his ears, trying to block the sounds that were actually inside his head. He still did it.

‘’ _The only thing you’ve been telling me is what I do wrong_.”

He wanted it to stop.

‘’ _I’ve never loved nor will I ever do!_ ’’

It echoed through his head, taunting him. He surely thought he would die.

‘’ _It’s over, Nagachika._ ’’

He didn’t want to hear anything anymore. He wanted to rip of his ears if that could stop him from picking up the sounds. He wanted to rest.

He didn’t want to hear it.

 

Next day when Hide woke up in the same position he fell asleep in, his came to know that his wish was granted.

He wasn’t able to hear anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did I even do?


	16. At that time, you sounded so sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been such a long time since I updated this thing. I've already been doing this for over a year now, and I'm happy that I could keep it up. Also, thank you very much! Without all the sweet comments and kudos I wouldn't have been able to continue. 
> 
> There will probably only be some more chapters after this one, but I don't know how much time I still need. I planned to finish it this summer break, but now I only have one week left and there is still a lot of stuff that keeps getting in my way OTL. But I'll do my best!

The doctor he had been meeting was clear, or the large amount of papers had at least been. His doctor had looked at him with pity when he was reading the results of the check-up. Hide hated it when people pitied him. Most of his life, he had only himself and that always went perfectly fine. When others thought that it was sad or difficult to live such a life, they were wrong. Life wasn’t going to be better if others felt sorry for him.

Still, after reading through the papers at least trice, Hide wished so hard for the pity in the eyes of the other man to cure him. He wanted it to work. All he wanted now was to shout for help. Any help possible.

Due to a serious concussion, the link between his brain and ears was damaged. To put it simply, Hide would live the rest of his life as a deaf person. There were no other serious damages, nothing deadly, but this was enough to make Hide want to scream. Only would he never be able to hear it.

It was Tsukiyama’s fault. Their little fight had led to this. Within seconds, Hide had lost something important without knowing. It was unfair, because he had not deserved this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. All he had done for the past few months was trying to help his friend. What had he done wrong?

Maybe if he hadn’t acted on impulse back then, it wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he had ignored the whole situation after Kaneki had sent him out, it wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he had been on time with warning Kaneki, had pushed him to believe him, all of this wouldn’t have happened.

The ifs didn’t matter anymore. Hide just had to deal with it. Only was he now all by himself. His father never contacted him after the hospital had given his parents a call about Hide’s well-being. In his father’s eyes, he was utterly useless now. Hide didn’t want to admit it, but it made his eyes teary every time he thought about it. To a big part of the world, he was nothing now.

____________

Kaneki had to take deep breaths to prevent from having another attack. It felt like when Hide had slammed that door shut, it was definite that he had left behind their friendship as well.

It was like his last light had gone out right then and there. Now, he was surrounded by complete darkness. There would be no Hide to stop him from drowning himself. Kaneki had to keep his head above the water with his own strength now.

Letting himself lean against the wall behind the bed, he waited for someone to get him out of the nurse’s office. He wished for Hide to come back, to say that they should forget about the whole fight, and then grab Kaneki’s hand to help him up. He wished for Hide’s silly grin, only given no one coming for him in return.

____________

Hide always tried to be the optimistic guy, yet had he difficulties with accepting the many cons that came with losing his ability to hear.

His doctor thought it was a good idea to send him to a therapist, with the reason that it wasn’t uncommon for people to fall into depression after such a loss.

 _Utter bullshit_ , Hide thought while he listened to his therapist advising him to start learning sign language. It would help him with ‘expressing himself’.

Then there was that hearing aid he got. The doctor had explained to him that it might be a help in the future. Contrary to popular belief, only a very small amount of people were completely deaf. Like most blind people could still make out different shapes, deaf people were still able to pick up some sounds. Hide didn’t want to object his doctor, so he took the hearing aid and wore it every single day. Maybe it would help someday.

Aside from the extra studying and the object that he constantly had to wear but couldn’t get used to, the way people behaved around him topped it all. It was the worst, people treating him like he was an alien. In the beginning, all of his teachers came to him with the same pity in their eyes as his doctor. They only looked at him, as if they thought he would be offended if they opened their mouth. That was not true, Hide got more annoyed by the treatment for some stupid animal they would give him. He wanted to tell them that it wasn’t the case that his whole brain stopped working, but that wouldn’t do. Hide knew as no other that only incoherent noises would come out. It was something he could ignore, since with every teacher it was a one-time thing. After that, none of them would bat an eye at him again

The looks his classmates and everyone else at that school gave him were less avoidable. He was aware that his class got informed about his ‘disability’, so he didn’t blame them that much. Only if the rest of the school wouldn’t keep staring at him because of his hearing aid. He was deaf, not blind.

Most of the days now, Hide spent his free time alone. His friends seemed never in the mood anymore to have him around, and he could understand that. He was only an extra baggage of burden these days.

It was all understanding and patience. That’s what his therapist told him and what Hide couldn’t agree with. All that ‘understanding that he was different’ and ‘the quick glances are a natural thing so deal with it’ kind of things were too one sided according to him. Hide thought he shouldn’t be the only one making some effort to make it a little easier for him to live his life. Others around him should do something as well, but it seemed like they couldn’t care less how he felt about the whole situation. Hide was always being put on the ‘sad disabled people’ list.

There came the moment that he just gave up. Hide stopped going to his club activities, barely enjoying it when he had to do everything on his own. Hide had a lot of difficulty with attending all of his classes. He would, or could, never say it out loud, but he was terrified of the judging eyes that followed him everywhere. They came back in his nightmares.

Slowly but surely, Hide came to understand what his doctor and therapist had warned him for. Hide simply began to stop living. He only went to the places he was forced to, but for the rest he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes anymore. He didn’t walk through hallways with his head up like he used to. Half of the optimistic guy was gone, the other half was still trying to convince him that this was just a phase. Sooner or later, he would get over it.

Hide stared at the paper with questions his therapist had given him. She had scolded him multiple times for not making any progress with sign language. Not that it affected him. Because of the lack of another way to communicate, she would write all her questions on a sheet, every meeting again. They weren’t really different every time he came in. Most of them were on a line like ‘How are you doing today?’ or ‘Is your studying going well?’. He always wrote half-assed answers like ‘Today went fine’ or ‘I’m working on it’.

If he was still able to hear, he would probably get annoyed with the constant sighs that left his mouth. It was his way to ask for attention and concern, because deep down, he actually wanted it. Only if it didn’t fall under the weird looks that were thrown at, that is.

The end-term exams were there before he knew, and with some motivation the Hide got from wherever, he passed. Hide did it with everything he got then, and the only ones who were happy for him were himself and his therapist. At least he could still make someone smile every now and then, even without his mediocre jokes.

There was a problem. Before Hide would start his last year, he had to find a place to stay until the Spring break was over. Everyone had to leave the school grounds for the time, not allowed to spend their free time in their dorms like with the Christmas break. It was more kind of a message that told students to go and visit their family. Only did Hide not have a family anymore. It wasn’t official yet, but Hide thought both sides had a mutual feeling towards each other. Hide was better off not coming there for a while.

It was the last day, and Hide still didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have any money to stay at a hotel, nor did he really have anyone who would welcome him with open arms. He fell back on his bed as he thought of a solution.

Going to his therapist was always an option, but he didn’t know if he could survive the whole break, being constantly around her.

Hide thought about Kaneki. He had no place to go to either, right? What was he going to do? That question wasn’t really hard to answer, and he wanted to hit himself for ruining his own mood. It was obvious that Kaneki would go with his husband. Maybe they would run away together now that Tsukiyama had graduated. There was nothing else Kaneki seemed to be living for nowadays, so why not leaving it all behind?

Over the time, they hadn’t crossed each other’s paths. Hide wasn’t even surprised anymore. Kaneki had proven his hide and seek skills enough this year. Hide was to blame too, he never actively searched for Kaneki. Seeking out his friend wouldn’t possibly lead to satisfaction. Still, Hide felt upset that he didn’t have his friend to support him when he had it bad. It was true that, now that he could take a break from school, his days were a bit lighter, or that was what he tried to tell himself again and again. Yet, when there were moments that everything didn’t go like he wanted, Hide yearned for his friend’s shoulder to lean on. Also was there the fact that Hide still loved Kaneki.

 _Stupid, idiot, half-ass_. Hide felt weak for not being able to forget about Kaneki. He was still worried about the guy, Did he do fine on his exams? Was he still reading in his library every now and then? Did he still shower in the late hours to avoid others? If Hide made some effort, he could easily ask Kaneki himself. Only had he gotten the idea at that time at the nurse’s office that Kaneki wasn’t really asking for his attention anymore. That time, Kaneki called for a definite stop.

Maybe Hide would visit his work place. Kaneki wouldn’t be there then, but it could be that Hide was able to get some information from the other’s co-workers. Maybe did they know more about Kaneki’s wellbeing. He had to keep in mind to avoid the girl. She wouldn’t want to waste time to understand him. If he were lucky, Hide would walk into Nishiki. Aside from his attitude, he was a nice guy and was always willing to help Hide.

Hide sat back up, searching his room for his phone. He had found a solution to his problem.

____________

He was gone. After the graduation ceremony, Tsukiyama had disappeared without another word. It was something Kaneki could have expected, and all he could feel was relief after the other got rid of him, but now there was nobody to get around anymore. It felt even lonelier than at the time when he lived with that host family. They were kind, but uninterested.

He could have seen it coming. Tsukiyama had already been slowly detaching Kaneki from himself for some time. Perhaps it was his weakened state that put him off. Too much to deal with for something that wasn’t worth it. Kaneki was that something.

It was just like Hide had predicted. Tsukiyama had gotten bored and moved on. Kaneki was nothing more than an empty pet following him everywhere. He had taken everything that made Kaneki some kind of a person. To add up to that, Tsukiyama had taken away Hide.

He had been living with mostly regrets weighing him down through his life, but being so indecent to his friend was one of the worst on the list. Kaneki had nowhere to go to now. Their school would be closed for over the break, and he was forced to leave. Kaneki hated to admit it, but he had actually planned to stay over at Tsukiyama’s.

 _I feel like crying_. Kaneki clumsily dried the cups with the already half wet towel that hang unnoticed in the sink filled with water. Work was slow today, like almost every day. There weren’t a lot of people who would frequent this place. The town lay hidden from the bigger population. That’s what Kaneki liked so much about this place.

‘’Keep your head up, man. We don’t want you breaking the cups and bleeding on everything.’’

It was only Nishiki and him today. Even if the older one could be harsh in some ways, he was actually kind and didn’t nag Kaneki about his appearance. He already knew that he was the walking dead, so there was no need for anyone to point that out. Nishiki was one of the few who picked that up and never dropped a comment.

It wasn’t like a lot of people around him would actually call him out to ask about his health. Most of them just stared and whispered with others. Kaneki wasn’t stupid. He noticed them all the time. Maybe that was because no one really cared about how he would feel about it.

Kaneki softly nodded. ‘’Sorry, Nishiki-san.’’ They busied themselves while the silence filled the café again. After some minutes, Kaneki got the feeling that Nishiki actually wanted to talk, or at least make some noise to get rid of the silence. So Kaneki looked up from the cup he had been rubbing for too long and turned his head to Nishiki.

‘’So, break’s gonna start pretty soon now right?’’ Too soon for Kaneki’s liking. He had thought about asking the manager for a place to sleep at, but he chickened out every time he had the chance. That was way too much to ask for. He was already happy that he was still able to work here when he was never focused and caused a lot of extra costs for the shop because of all the stuff he had broken.

‘’No plans for the following weeks?’’

‘’Not really.’’

Small talks weren’t really Kaneki’s thing. He was desperately searching for something to stop the conversation from dying. ‘’Mostly it will be stressing over where to stay the night, I guess.’’ Not a statement Nishiki could do a lot with, but it was something.

He heard Nishiki hum. It was as if he understood the whole situation. Kaneki found it strange. Nishiki was mostly the guy that didn’t seem to care.

‘’Well, Kimi and I aren’t a hostel for stray dogs for fuck’s sake…’’ _What is he trying to say_? ‘’But if you’re really having problems, you can always stay at our place.’’ Kaneki gasped. He shouldn’t have brought his problems up. Now it was going to be awkward to reject Nishiki’s invitation.

‘’Ah, I shouldn’t have said anything. I really don’t want to be a burden-‘’ Kaneki got interrupted by a loud groan. Nishiki wasn’t having it. ‘’Kaneki, really, if you’re gonna call yourself bothersome for one more time, I’m seriously gonna push your head into the sink.’’

For the first time, Kaneki could genuinely laugh. It felt nice, being taken care of. Nishiki was a kind person.

‘’Okay then.’’

 

He stood in front of Nishiki’s door three days later with only one bag with him. Kaneki hated to take too much of their space, so he had been very careful with what to pack and what not. Now that he was here, he realised that it was maybe a good idea to bring a gift for having him. Were they expecting him to bring anything? What if he would come over as rude for dropping into their home without returning anything?

Unfortunately, it was too late to go back and get something, because the door opened. Kaneki was met by a very hazy looking Nishiki and a kindly smiling girl. She was probably Nishino Kimi, Nishiki’s girlfriend.

‘’Please come in, Kaneki was it?’’ She took a hold on his wrist and slurred him inside. As fast as he could, he took his bag with him before the door was closed again. He murmured a shy ‘thank you for letting me in’ and walked through the small hallway to the main space from the small apartment.

He looked around when he felt his bag being taken away from his grip. It was cosy. It looked nothing like his dorm room or his parent’s house. Not even his adoptive parents’ place could make him feel at ease this much.  

‘’Such a nice place…’’ Kimi laughed at him thinking out loud. It flustered Kaneki, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable. It was a nice feeling, to know that here weren’t any voices whispering that is. Kaneki needed a break.

He followed Kimi to the couch, too scared to walk with Nishiki to the kitchen. He didn’t look like he was in a good mood.

‘’I’ll take care to give you a spare key, so you’re free what to do what you want to. Also…’’ Kimi got rid of the cushions of the couch and transformed it into a bed. ‘’You’ll have to share this thing with someone else. Sorry for that.’’ She gave him an apologizing smile.

‘’That won’t be a problem, really.’’ Kaneki waved it off. ‘’I’m already grateful that you gave me a place to stay.’’ Wait… did she just mention that he had to share with someone?

Right before he wanted to ask who this person was, he turned his head to where he heard a door open. A boy clothed in a simple tee and sweatpants made his way to them. Kaneki could almost feel himself getting paler. The boy had an all too familiar messy mop of light hair.

Hide looked up from the ground with tired eyes and a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. If they were in a different situation right now, Kaneki would have made a comment on the toothpaste smeared all over Hide’s lips. He would have gotten teasing reactions back like ‘Wanna lick it off of my face?’. Kaneki would then slapped him or something like that.

Only weren’t they in that kind of situation. Kaneki could only look at Hide, asking him to throw a tantrum at him for being so stupid. Begging him to comfort him afterwards. But Hide didn’t give a kick. He didn’t even say anything. Hide stared at him with guilt in his eyes, and Kaneki wanted to take that from him.

‘’So…’’ Nishiki suddenly stood between them. ‘’Anyone who wants some coffee?’’


	17. Starting to see it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is some record time, but that's all because some ghost was haunting me.

There was this kid that Hide knew from the first day of school. He had never approached him, not interested enough to make an effort. Still, he could say that all he wanted, but there was something that kept drawing Hide’s gaze to the dull boy. Something that made him look mysterious. Hide wanted to unravel this mystery.

It had taken some words, reassurances, and a smile to get the boy to accept Hide’s company. There was more time needed for the comfort, but both worked hard on that.

‘’Can’t we go to your place for once?’’ After seeing Kaneki tensing up and hearing a weak excuse like ‘but I wanna see auntie’, Hide never asked again. The mystery began unfolding then.

Kaneki was hiding something big, which was the life he was living when Hide was not around. That life consisted forgiving all the wrongness. It didn’t matter to Kaneki how much he was being yelled at, or how there was no one who was taking care of him, he shrugged it off as a ‘he deserved it’.

It was not that Kaneki wasn’t aware that what was going on in his house wasn’t considered normal. A good family that they learned to know at school was always all good and loving, not cold and unwelcoming. Yet, Kaneki never dropped a single negative word about his family. Not even when the teachers determined an explanation for his fainting and scrawny body.

Hide would get mad with Kaneki sometimes. He did never directly tell Kaneki about how he thought about his whole situation. Maybe that’s why the whole situation had gone too far from where he still had control to stop it. He was only a child.

And not a lot had changed up to this moment. Hide had again failed to stop Kaneki. He had again let his friend walk into the arms of the wrong people. He had again lost Kaneki.

He wanted to get mad at him. Scream at him like Kaneki had done last time. All of the pent up frustration was weighing him down, and he was so tired from not being able to tell how he felt. He had done it so many times, but it never got taken seriously by Kaneki.

Now, it was too late. Hide could scream all he wanted, but nothing would come out besides incoherent noises. Also, if he still had the ability to speak, there would be nothing to say. Hide just couldn’t get himself to get mad at Kaneki. How his gaze of a ghost stared right through of him, it made the other look so weak. Too weak to yell at.

Kaneki’s attention was off of him for one second, drawn to Nishiki instead. He shook his head and said something in return, only taking one more quick peak from Hide afterwards. Hide quietly closed the bathroom door as he left the rest behind again.

Kaneki didn’t know. After months, he still didn’t know. Hide could see that from the way Kaneki had looked at him. A face that asked him how he even dared to come to the same place as him, but nothing more was written there. There were no questions about how Hide had dragged himself into this shithole. Kaneki didn’t know the existence of that shithole.

There was a lot of explanation needed when Hide came here some hours ago. He had not told anything about this whole incident to Nishiki beforehand. Kimi helped a lot with actually trying to guess the situation, giving him some paper and a pen when she had figured it out. He had left out some details when he wrote his story down. The main detail that wasn’t part of the story was Tsukiyama.

He had no actual reason to explain himself to Kaneki as well. The other didn’t want to see or talk to him anymore, and the second one was very easy to avoid now. Nishiki and Kimi wouldn’t have to get into detail with Kaneki either. They didn’t even know that the two knew each other. They probably were only going talk about it if Kaneki mentioned Hide’s silence. That would not happen, as Kaneki possibly didn’t care about him.

That was good. The last he needed at the moment was one more person that pitied him. He spit out the toothpaste that was burning his tongue now. Hide looked in the mirror and thought his face was a perfect depiction of how he felt. Tired of the life he had been living for some months now. His happy-mask was starting to fall off. He was too transparent for his liking.

Hide quickly turned around when he felt the vibrations of a door being slammed open. There in the corridor stood a very pale Kaneki. That wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but the widened eyes in their dark sockets were for sure. He must know now. There was no way that there was another reason for this loud bashing in and the worry in his eyes than that Nishiki and Kimi had told him. Hide had mixed feelings about that. He felt a little betrayed, yet thankful for their contribution. He wanted to see what Kaneki was going to do with this new information.

Kaneki’s mouth moved, and he smiled. He was probably waiting for Hide to answer him, but Hide didn’t make any effort to try to communicate. He kept staring warily at him, ready to take in everything Kaneki was going to do next.

Then his face faltered, and he started to cry. Kaneki grabbed his shirt and made him look at him. The lifeless eyes glimmered with sadness. There was for once no pity. Hide could have laughed if it was the right moment for that. How could he have forgotten that Kaneki never pitied anyone but himself? He only ever had respect for others.

Kaneki was screaming at him, shaking Hide like he wanted him to wake up. All Hide wanted to do now was pet the dark locks and draw the boy closer to him, but he couldn’t. He had done that so many times already since Kaneki had returned, and the only thing he had learned from it was that the good guys never get the satisfying ending.

So he let himself being shaken until Kimi came inside and removed Kaneki from him. The two had a what looked like a heated conversation. Hide got tired from watching everything from the side lines without being able to do anything, so he decided to leave them be and headed straight to the front door, putting on his shoes and getting his jacket. Hide needed to cool off a bit, and that could be done the easiest by leaving everything behind and take a stroll to nowhere. That were his therapist’s words.

It was still cold outside. Too cold to be only wearing a jacket over his sleepwear. Hide didn’t mind it at all. Temperature was just another thing that reminded him that everything around him was moving on. He wasn’t able to get to know about the newest songs or gossips or raw opinions about politics. The coldness on his skin changing slowly but surely to something warmer told him that the world was still introducing him to new times.

At times like these, Hide wondered if he were a character in some movie, would he then get to say a line like ‘I’d really like a smoke now’? It always seemed to be so iconic, the character with the heavy background story that they want to hide, yet showing it to their audience by breathing in a drug.

Hide had never thought about smoking, not even as a painkiller or the cinematic pleasing images that it gave. The image of the tragic hero with a smouldering cigarette hanging out of his mouth should stay in the movies. In this world people wouldn’t fall in love. They would think it was stupid.

Just like the good guys no one wants to fall in love with.

____________

‘’I’m going after him.’’

Kaneki was halfway lacing his shoes when Nishiki suddenly stood in front of the door, stopping him from going any further. Kaneki looked up at Nishiki. ‘’And how is that gonna help him?’’

Kaneki returned to making himself ready, hoping that was enough for Nishiki to notice that he wasn’t in for more arguing. Unfortunaly, he didn’t. Kaneki stood up to take his coat from the rag, only to be stopped by Nishiki who grabbed his wrist before he could make any further movements.

‘’I need to help him,’’ Kaneki hated himself for not being able to get out of a simple grip. ‘’What if something happens and he can’t help himself? What if he gets lost and can’t even ask the way back?...’’ Imagining Hide being totally lost on what to do was terrifying. Nishiki still looked at him with a blank face.

Kaneki gave one last jerk with his arm before changing from strategy. ‘’Nishiki-san, please. Hide won’t survive being out alone.’’ Even begging and being on the verge of tears wouldn’t help. Kaneki couldn’t understand why Nishiki wouldn’t let him go.

‘’Kaneki.’’

He glared at Nishiki when he heard his name. A sigh came in return. ‘’As far as I know, that kid has survived the previous couple of months all by himself, so a short walk won’t be a problem for him.’’ Kaneki wouldn’t believe him. There was no way Hide could have been walking around deaf without him noticing for such a long time.

‘’Also, I don’t know what your relation is with this guy, but-‘’

‘’We’re best friends.’’ That seemed to surprise Nishiki. ‘’Surely there’s a reason why Nagachika didn’t see the use in telling his friend then. I can even almost be sure that the reason for that is the same for why he’s running away.’’

Kaneki had known right after their little incident that it was wrong what he had done, but now he had to deal with the consequences. Hide didn’t need his help or comfort. Did he ever need it then? Was all the effort Kaneki had put into protecting Hide from Tsukiyama a waste of time? Was this relationship that one-sided, Kaneki depending on Hide, but not reversed? Did he wreck his body for the second time in his life for nothing?

Nishiki let go of Kaneki when he was sure that he wouldn’t try to leave again. ‘’Just give Nagachika some space.’’ He left Kaneki behind in the small hallway, muttering something about not wanting drama in his house.

Kaneki decided to wait here for Hide. He wanted to know how this could happen. How he could fix as much as possible. Even if he didn’t have the right to know, he wanted to. So when Hide would come back, Kaneki would go straight to the point and try to ask him everything. Maybe some paper and a pen were handy. Kaneki made a note to get those once Hide was back. Now he wanted to stay here and not disturb the rest of the house with his own problems. He felt ashamed when he thought back how he threw a tantrum at Kimi. He would apologize to her and Nishiki later. First he had to set something right.

 

At last, Kaneki waited at least an hour before the front door finally opened. Cold air streamed in together with a red faced Hide. Kaneki wanted to ask if it was really that cold outside, but then held himself back because there was no use asking. Hide wouldn’t understand.

Hide looked down at Kaneki’s sitting position, expecting something to happen. Everything he had wanted to say and do was suddenly gone. Kaneki just stared back, trying to get Hide to stay until he would remember his masterplan again.

It didn’t come.

Hide put off his jacket and hang it back on the rag. Healing off his shoes, and he was gone. Kaneki tried to call him, but again remembered that it wouldn’t help. So he took Hide’s shirt again, making him stop. Hide turned around, again waiting for something to happen. Why did it feel so uncomfortable between them? Did Hide feel it too, or was it just him?

Kaneki hated it. He felt like this with most people around him, but never with Hide. So that it was like this so suddenly…

‘’So Nagachika’s back,’’ Nishiki and Kimi came from their bedroom, both dressed up. ‘’We’re gonna go to buy some stuff. Don’t expect us to be back for at least an hour.’’ They were almost outside when Nishiki shouted ‘’Don’t kill each other off!’’. And they were alone.

Then there was a moment of enlightenment where Kaneki remembered what he wanted to do. He gestured with his hands to Hide that he wanted him to wait, ran to his bag, almost slipped on the floor, and came back to Hide. In his hand he had a little notebook and a pen. He went to sit at the dinner table, getting Hide to sit on the other side of him.

Kaneki began to write, and he didn’t let out any details when he was at it. He wrote about his reasons for avoiding Hide and how sorry he was. He apologized for every time that he had ignored Hide’s advice, or when he yelled at him, or when he was simply unreasonable towards Hide. He included the mistakes he had made, such as befriending Tsukiyama, but that it was to protect Hide, thinking his own way was the right way, not being there for Hide when he needed him, and never answering Hide’s feelings properly.

There were still a lot of times that Kaneki thought about that night. If he had come with Hide, let go of all the people that Hide had warned him for, Kaneki wouldn’t have been able to ruin himself like he had done. It was hard to write everything with all honesty and without sugar coating anything, but it was worth it when Hide was still sitting in front of him, Head laying on his crossed arms, still waiting.

Kaneki was worried. He was coming clean, and Hide could do whatever he wanted with the information. Hide could think about it, or he could just ignore everything that was written on the piece of paper. Kaneki hoped it wouldn’t turn out to be the second one.

At the end, Kaneki asked if Hide could forgive him for everything and if they could start over again. Also, if there was a chance, that Kaneki could help him. He didn’t know if that was too much to ask for, but he didn’t want to not take the chance to make everything right again.

Hide sat up straight when he got more than one paper slid over to him. He immediately began to read. Kaneki stood up and went to the small kitchen to make some coffee for the two of them. He wasn’t able to sit still and wait for Hide to be finished. It would be torture to look at Hide’s expression while he was reading. What if he laughed at him?

Hide stayed silent while Kaneki poured hot water into the machine Nishiki and Kimi owned. The noises that the coffeemaker made also left unbroken. When Kaneki finished Hide’s cup off with milk and sugar, he went back to a still reading Hide. He looked up for a second when Kaneki set his cup next to him, and nodded as a thanks.

Kaneki slowly sipped his coffee while Hide was still busy reading through everything. His face kept a blank expression, no opinions or thoughts showing on it. It was nerve wrecking. Kaneki wanted to leave the room and wait for Hide to come get him afterwards, or not. At the end, he forced himself to stay.

After a while, Hide took the pen and wrote something on the little space that was still empty on the last paper. Nothing bad had happened yet. That made Kaneki feel a little bit more at ease. There wasn’t that much space left, so Kaneki was curious what Hide would write down from all the things that Kaneki expected, or wished, him to write down.

Kaneki got startled by the sudden sound of paper gliding over the wooden table. Terrified for what was coming, Kaneki turned around the paper and let his eyes fall on Hide’s messy writing.

There were only three sentences. They were more than Kaneki could ever wish for. He pushed himself up and walked straight to Hide, wrapping his arms around his friend when the other did so first. Kaneki lay his cheek on Hide’s shoulder and sobbed, twisting his hands into his shirt to get him even closer. Hide let out a huff and softly stroked his back. Kaneki hated himself for being the one who got comforted again. It should be Hide. But for now, he let it be. He could smile even again like on that evening.

‘’Sometimes… I ask myself if we could still return to that night and take another route.’’

  
_  
Dear Kaneki,_

_I wasn’t expecting a whole essay, so sorry for the long wait._

_Even if there’s not really something to apologize for, I’ll forgive you._

_Thank you for standing up for me through the whole year._

_\- Hide_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, improvement and happy times are my faves.


	18. Awestruck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should have been finished long ago. Oh well.

There was something wrong.

Hide sat across from him, just like so many times before. Kaneki had slurred him out of bed that morning and Hide didn’t seem too happy about it, but they had things to do. Now, Kaneki wanted some privacy with the ‘things’ that were on his list, and since he knew that Nishiki had a morning shift that day and Kimi would always come along to run some errands through town later on. They would be alone for some time now.

‘’Hide, please consider it at least.’’ Kaneki knew that Hide couldn’t hear him, but at least he could try to pass on the message with his expression while talking. Right now, Hide was looking at the text Kaneki had jotted down on a piece of paper, his eyes almost disappearing behind his eyebrows. He looked up and shook his head. So much for the having to do things.

Kaneki didn’t understand it. He was trying to help Hide, but it almost seemed like the other was just trying with the same drive to resist. Kaneki had only suggested to start practicing sign language together, since having to write everything down was bothersome, or he thought so. Hide didn’t see the use in it, apparently. He almost immediately looked disgusted after Kaneki gave him the paper. But Kaneki would not give up just yet.

He ripped off another paper of the notebook that lay in front of him, wrote something down and gave it to Hide, who took it with not too much enthusiasm.

_Why won’t you at least try?_

As if the answer was obvious, Hide raised his eyebrows and wrote something down quickly, shoving it back to Kaneki.

_I’m never gonna be able to do that._

‘’Oh, Hide.’’ Kaneki tried not to sympathise with Hide, that would never do it with him. But the way Hide was behaving now, it gave the idea that Hide had not only lost his voice, but also his ambitious character. The one that pushed Kaneki further as well. Now the tables had turned.

He would have to get to Hide eventually. Without communication, Kaneki would not even get to know the cause of Hide’s sudden deafness. And to add to that, seeing Hide not being Hide was something Kaneki decided to be one of his least favourite things. He wanted to make Hide better. He slumped down in his chair. This was another reason why he looked up to his friend. When Hide tried to help him, it came so natural, that it he did it without batting an eye. For Kaneki, it was a whole other story.

He didn’t understand the problem. How could his friend find learning a way to communicate not worth it while he was fine with learning the whole English language for those stupid foreign bands of his?

Kaneki snapped. That was it. He got Hide’s attention back and started moving his hands, slapping one’s back at the end. Hide looked at him with confusion, so Kaneki did it again. And again. He felt himself smiling upon looking at Hide’s face, mouth wide open and eyebrows knitted in a frown.

Curiosity. That’s what Hide needed. If he didn’t get something, he would do anything to find it out. For now, it was to figure out what Kaneki was saying with those hand gestures. The best thing was that Kaneki himself had no clue what he was doing at all.

_What are you saying?_

Kaneki chuckled and continued his act of silly hand signs. Hide looked like he was trying his hardest to understand what Kaneki was saying, which meant that Kaneki’s plan was working. He stopped and took the paper.

_If you want to know, you should start studying._

____________

Kaneki had fetched a laptop from somewhere in the apartment, probably Nishiki’s, and balanced it on his legs while they sat on the couch. Hide glanced at the search terms, but the way he was stretching himself towards the screen became a bit uncomfortable. Kaneki must have noticed, and gestured for him to come closer. He sat the laptop on one leg each when their shoulders and thighs were touching.

Hide felt strange by how Kaneki didn’t seem to react to the physical contact. There were no flinches or stiff movements. And from as far as Hide could see, there came no warm colour to the other’s face. He didn’t know if he should feel relieved for getting to the point that Kaneki was okay with these kind of situations, or disappointment for not making an impact.

Online classes deemed to be the best option, since they were in the middle of nowhere and the nearest real classes would be a three hours ride. Kaneki offered, but then insisted when Hide began arguing, to pay. His arguments were that he had a job and was the one who had come with the idea. Hide gave in when he came to the conclusion that there was no way to change Kaneki’s mind.

Maybe it had have been wise if he told Kaneki that he got a free self-study book from his therapist, lying neglected in his room, but he got the idea that he would enjoy this method, watching videos while being so close to one another, than hunching over a book alone. So he kept his mouth shut. As if he could do otherwise.

At some moment through watching tons of videos, Hide vaguely thought about the signs Kaneki was making earlier that day. It made no sense that Kaneki went searching for a good learning method while he could have just taken the stuff he had used to learn that…

Hide turned fast to Kaneki, paused the current video so his friend would pay attention to him, and grabbed the paper.

_Just now, you were talking bullshit but with hands, weren’t you?_

Kaneki averted his eyes immediately after reading the words, and Hide knew he was right. Unbelief made his mouth agape, then he laughed.

For Kaneki to pull this kind of prank was so unrealistic and out of character, but on the other hand fit him perfectly because, it was simply so genius. The gap between the two that had built up for the whole year seemed almost to be broken down in just a few seconds. Kaneki still knew him so well.

Before Kaneki could apologize, Hide put the laptop on the coffee table and tackled him onto the couch with one rapid movement. Both of Kaneki’s wrists were taken and put beside his head, and legs kept his thighs from moving. Hide looked down at Kaneki, and there it was. Questioning eyes, yet not scared, and a blush covering his cheeks. The sight made him want to take again, like all those weeks ago. There was no rejection, and now Hide thought about it, there never was.

But it felt so much against his instinct to dive in without another thought.

____________

There was something wrong and Kaneki knew it now. By the time he had readied himself for whatever Hide was about to do after he had shoved him down, he saw Hide’s old joyful expression change into something more forced. There was for the first time since Kaneki knew about Hide’s thing, a laugh on his face. It made everything feel like it was okay for a second, but now he came back to the fact that nothing was okay. Hide kept staring at him and didn’t let him go, and Kaneki knew nothing. Nothing about what Hide was thinking, nothing about how he felt about this whole situation. Not a thing about how Hide became like this. Hide didn’t tell him. That was what was wrong.

It stung, Hide’s gaze and his own thoughts. He felt so lucky when suddenly Kimi’s voice came from the hallway. He shoved an unknowing Hide away from him and tried to think away the warmth on his face. Hide snapped out of his annoyance when he saw Kimi coming into the room.

‘’You weren’t fighting, right?’’ Kimi shot one glance to the unnatural postures of the boys before placing her stuff on the dinner table. Kaneki shook his head quickly. Mistaking their previous scene for fighting would be worse.

‘’Good. Curry for dinner, by the way.’’ And she was gone to her room. Kaneki looked at Hide, who was thinking hard. Then, he started moving his hands.

_What?_

The nervous smile completed it. Kaneki felt himself warm up by the small gesture. Hide was trying again.

____________

The reason why Hide wasn’t making an effort in studying was that he saw it as him accepting this. He didn’t want to accept this, not yet. He was still waiting for a miracle to happen and cure him as fast as this problem had stuck to him. But learning would mean that he had let go of that wish and moved on. Hide didn’t want to give up on the opportunity to get better. It terrified him.

But Kaneki was pushing him towards acceptance. How happy he looked when Hide tried to replicate what they had learned already. Something Hide had tried to gain for over a year now, true happiness, could be achieved by something so small. It made Hide want to try.

Yet, it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t embrace his new self yet. But he couldn’t tell Kaneki. Kaneki was experiencing some glory and he didn’t want to take that away from him. He didn’t want to dampen his mood with his own dark thoughts and problems. And then there was this thing that he simply couldn’t because of the lack of words.

If he were able to empty his heart, he would have done that long ago.

For now, keeping silent was good enough.

____________

It was somewhere in the afternoon and the sun was beginning to set when Kaneki knew what to do.

He looked at Hide who sat at a table beside the window in the café. Kaneki had taken him with him to his shift, after asking of course. It wasn’t a long one anyway, and Kaneki wanted Hide with him with the hope that maybe, just maybe, he would solve the mystery behind the sad eyes. Observation was the first step to knowing.

And when Kaneki was watching his friend slowly consuming his coffee, he knew what to do about the problem. When Kaneki had confessed everything, Hide had simply forgiven him and pretended that everything was well, but it was inhuman to do so. He had missed the switch between that morning and later that day. He had expected to be hit, to see Hide get totally furious or something intense, but that didn’t happen. Yet. So Kaneki was going to help him open up a bit. And he knew exactly how to do so.

After his shift, Kaneki took Hide outside by his hand and ran with Hide following him. It was cooling down now that the sunlight wasn’t there to give at least a little warmth. Running kept him warm, though. Somewhere, just outside the main street, there was a little pier. It was perfect for Kaneki’s plan, and the weather gave them more luck for shutting people into their houses, who didn’t see any worth in going out with this temperature right now. They were all alone, walking to the end of the pier.

They stood there without doing anything else for some minutes. And even though the cold, Kaneki loved to be here. With the harsh wind and gushing waves, he would never feel more like Hide’s situation again, he was sure of it. All of world’s whispers were shut off and he felt completely deaf for a moment.

It began with a loud sigh, then it grew to a shout. At last, Kaneki was screaming to the ocean. He felt Hide’s eyes burning as he was already shrieking hoarsely. His throat felt sore, but the pain was being dominated by the great feeling of letting it all out. Honestly this was so stupid, but Kaneki turned to Hide and waved with his hands to make him join.

Hide must have some idea of what Kaneki was doing, even if he couldn’t hear it. Kaneki wanting to drag Hide into it made the latter shriek. Kaneki understood. What sense did it make to do something that you had no control of yourself. But Hide must, for it was the best approach for Hide, like he did when he still wasn’t a total deaf person. Hide used to talk like it was music, and Kaneki wanted to hear it again.

It was when his own voice became exhausted that it was replaced by another. Hesitant, but building up. And Kaneki wanted to start again, but his throat blocked the sound when he heard the heart piercing sobs. They weren’t exactly sobs, more like screams with sobs out of frustration or something deeper. Hatred?

He stared with wide eyes to his friend. Had he pushed this too far? He had never seen Hide like this, like he was breaking down. For a moment Kaneki was scared that this would really be too much for Hide, but then he thought about it again and was reminded that he had had these kind of moments too. Maybe not as intense, but every time he had thought it would be the end, Hide was there to pull him back up. Now it was his turn to return everything to Hide.

So he grabbed Hide around his waist. Not to wake him up from his state of whatever it was, but to let him know that he wasn’t scared. Or that Hide shouldn’t be scared. Kaneki had a hard time keeping himself steady, Hide was taking this letting out thing very seriously. Sometimes, Kaneki looked up to see Hide’s face, saw his face red and cheeks wet, eyes scrunched close and spit coming out of his wide open mouth, and he looked down again quickly. He couldn’t bear it.

____________

It felt weird how, for the first time since what felt like forever, it seemed like he could talk again. He knew what he was saying, or shouting, and his muscle memory hadn’t died yet. He didn’t know if anyone else could understand whatever came out of his mouth, but it was not like he wanted anyone to understand. Or, that wasn’t his idea until he felt a pair of arms around him. Kaneki was still there, and now that he had the chance, he sure would try his hardest to get the message across.

_Why did you leave me?_

_You whole story doesn’t make any sense and it would have been better if you had listened to me._

_Are you trying to be a selfless hero?_

_You think you can still be the saviour?_

_How can you think that when you haven’t even asked how I feel?_

_I hate it._

_You should have chosen me._

_I want to die._

_I can't do anything._

_It’s your fault._

_No one wants me like this._

_I hate you._

He wanted to punch Kaneki, shove him into the water. Do whatever what could make him feel better. The only thing that stopped him was Kaneki himself. It didn’t matter how much he would hate him for his actions, the strong embrace from the too skinny boy was what he had worked for. He was so proud of his friend who had grown up. No more running.

And Kaneki had heard it. Hide panted and looked down, right into the eyes of his friend. He was sure that he had never seen someone so happy with some insults. Kaneki smiled and looked like he wanted to be punched, so Hide took some breath and shouted for one more time.

_I love you._

Both were taken by surprise when he said that, but Kaneki the most. His reaction would have almost been funny if they weren’t where they were now. Kaneki had jumped back the moment the words had left Hide’s mouth, and with his arms still around Hide and Hide not paying enough attention, Kaneki stumbled more to the back when he lost his balance with Hide’s weight. They fell from the pier into the ice cold salty water.

Hide took Kaneki by his armpits as soon as he knew what was going on. Kaneki coughed and laughed. Hide worried that he might choke, so he did all he could think of an pulled Kaneki to him. Legs floundered when lips met, but slowed their movement when the coughing did too. Hide might have made the danger of choking bigger, but for now that was the least of his problems.

They broke apart and Kaneki’s eyes shined. He smiled and his mouth moved. He exaggerated, to make sure Hide would catch it without having to hear the words. A small ‘love you too’ made Hide more numb then the ice cold water. But it was a good kind of numb. The best kind he had ever felt.

____________

‘’You two are going to be the death to one another someday.’’

Kimi wanted them to undress as soon as they came into the apartment, as she didn’t want the smelly water to ruin the carpet. She gave them towels and shoved them to the bathroom afterwards.

They had stayed into the water for way too long, now supercooled. It had been hell to get back with the clear dark blue sky and no clouds to isolate any warmth. But Hide had hold him for the first time again. The fools couldn’t have been better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so sappy that even I have to get out a bucket before I throw up. Honestly, you guys are the best for reading this. I hate it, but will make it to the end. 
> 
> (Maybe I can't let this one go and that's why it's taking so long to update. Saying goodbye to this stupid story is going to be emotional)


	19. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait (again). 
> 
> This will be the final chapter, and I will add a small one after this, and then this will conclude our journey of two years. 
> 
> Thank you for still hanging around and supporting this fic. Please read the end Notes as well. I want to show you my appreciation.
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> ~N

For confessions and rushed words to settle took some time.

It was May, and the cold was as good as gone, something that seemed impossible after an unending slur of harsh months. Something more soft appeared to be very unlikely in this place, but then Kaneki was reminded that he only transferred last fall. It felt like they had lived in a winter for years.

Perhaps the warm weather still hadn’t settled, but it was the returning smile on Hide that made everything so mild. He was coming back, little by little. He tried to socialize and made an effort in learning the signs. It wasn’t long before Hide flew past Kaneki with his improvement. That was only after Kaneki had given in to let Hide help him, which most of the time meant having Hide around during meals, making sure he was eating enough. Other times it was telling Hide. It were mostly trivial things, like how he felt about the tea or the ending of his new readings. If Kaneki told him, then it was more than enough.

And Hide told him too, sometimes as non-world-changing as Kaneki’s, sometimes thoughts from weeks ago. Even though they weren’t voiced, they always sounded like a broken voice in Kaneki’s head. So raw and hesitant, even if they came so nonchalantly and were forgotten so quickly. At least by Hide.

_I’ve got no home anymore._

_Dad is probably going to stop paying my tuition soon._

_If that happens, I’m going have to leave._

Even if Hide didn’t seem to put much thought in them after throwing them into the world, the thoughts did frighten Kaneki. He knew that Hide wasn’t paranoid or cynical or just kidding. Someday, and maybe even soon, Hide would be gone. And where he would go, well, no one knew.

The sureness didn’t linger around him either. When they spent the warm weeks together, Kaneki kept playing along with Hide’s act. Even after being honest with each other, both still kept their mouth shut. And it wasn’t the way to do it right, Kaneki knew that. He had learned that from the last months. But to not swim against the current of their sweet time together, pretending the full picture was already there was all too appealing. It would do for now.

Except, it didn’t. Kaneki became aware of their time running out. It was that he didn’t talk about it with Hide that could make him stop thinking about it.

‘’Hide, will we meet again if you disappear?’’

It was hypocrite to ask, because it was never Kaneki’s intention to meet Hide again after being apart for so many years. He had no right to ask for more time.

Hide looked at Kaneki from the book he had been staring at for some time. He shrugged, leaving the question open. It was safe.

The kettle put itself off and the sound of boiling water was gone from the library. When Kaneki had time, he sometimes thought what would happen with this place when he would leave it after this year. It depressed him a little when he was reminded of how the state of this place was when he found it for the first time. Abandoned and forgotten to such a level that it made him cringe.

He walked to the kettle and poured the hot water into the two cups that never left the library. When he turned around to ask Hide what tea he wanted, Kaneki was surprised by the absence of his friend.

How could he have moved so fast? He hadn’t even heard anything. Kaneki set down the cups and walked over to the tall bookshelves. Calling for his friend would be useless, so he had to find him himself.

After looking around the third shelf, Kaneki was suddenly pushed against the object. For a moment, he panicked. This was exactly what happened a few weeks ago with Tsukiyama. But it wasn’t the tall man that stood in front of him now, it was a boy who was slightly taller than Kaneki himself. Hide was smiling.

_Found me._

Kaneki softly pushed Hide away, faking a pout. ‘’That wasn’t necessary.’’ Hide raised his eyebrows, questioning him with his expression. Then he came closer again, and Kaneki didn’t know why he held his breath.

_An answer to your question._

It was Kaneki’s turn to look confused. ‘’Wha-‘’

_I disappeared, and we met again._

‘’Oh,’’ Kaneki swallowed, still holding his breath. Hide could be ridiculous, but at the same time so sweet.

_Also, surprise attack._

And Hide put his lips on Kaneki’s, hands on both sides of Kaneki’s head. Kaneki absentmindedly thought back to the moment Tsukiyama had done the same while their lips slowly moved against each other. This was softer, like that night in Hide’s bedroom. It felt like that similar moment of Tsukiyama was being rewritten. Now there was only Hide.

Hide put his hands on Kaneki’s face, caressing it while continuing the innocent kisses. Kaneki wished he had Hide like this from the beginning and not just now the end was appearing. It saddened him more than the would-be-forgotten-library. 

They parted and Kaneki looked at Hide from under his eyebrows. There was expectation in Hide’s eyes.

‘’What are we?’’ Kaneki asked both Hide and himself. They weren’t Tsukiyama and him, or his mother and him. There were no conditions to their love.

Love. _Love?_

Hide had understood Kaneki’s question and answered it with a kiss. Only did this kiss go deeper. It wasn’t as rough as Tsukiyama’s, or as isolating as his. Even when Hide clamped his hands around Kaneki’s waist and pushed against him even more, it felt freeing.

They had said they loved each other, but Kaneki hadn’t taken it too seriously. It was just words that came if it was okay. Back then, it had felt okay, just like the kisses now. So he had said it, and he thought Hide had done it with the same nonchalance. Maybe not.

But now he wanted it to mean something, so he put his words into action like Hide would do and wrapped his arms around Hide’s neck, nipping on the other’s lower lip and asking for entrance.

Hide seemed to be taken back by Kaneki’s bluntness, but reacted with full excitement after that.

 

Kaneki wanted to rewrite more. Hide was growing more silent, and Kaneki wanted to do the whole year over again before it was over. But every time he wanted to go further than kissing in the dark corners, Hide didn’t let him continue.

Hide didn’t say anything about it either. It left Kaneki with the question of what he was doing wrong. Was he doing something wrong?

And then Hide started with his goodbyes. He had never said much after he lost his hearing, because sign language and writing was exhausting to him, but now it was more often that he wasn’t really there.

Was Hide scared?

Kaneki tried to grab his attention as much as possible. He wanted to give anything to keep Hide for another moment.

This time, he had taken it too far. But how should he have known if Hide never said anything to him anymore? It was only experimental.

They would often hide in Hide’s room, for privacy reasons. Not that there was a high chance that someone would interrupt them while they were in the library, but the room was relatively safer. No roommates who would cause disturbance. Just the two of them.

It had started with lying on Hide’s bed together. It evolved into light kisses on the corners of lips without having spoken a word. Then it went further, and Kaneki wanted to take it further. So he let Hide enter his mouth and shyly put his hand on the other’s hip. He glided his fingertips under Hide’s shirt. No negative reaction.

It drove Kaneki. It was exciting and new, he could explore on his own now. A little bit further and he let himself move against Hide’s skin. There was nothing holding him back.

Kaneki wanted to see Hide, and he didn’t hesitate when lowering his hand hooking his thumps under the material of the shirt to drive it up. That was one step too far apparently.

Hide stopped with everything he was doing, and he took Kaneki’s hand from his body to push it back against Kaneki. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but Hide’s expression told him enough. He didn’t even have to shake his head and Kaneki suddenly felt so ashamed. They had made a deal about talking right? So why didn’t he ever ask if Hide wanted this?

Then again, why wouldn’t Hide tell him what was going on?

‘’But why do you never talk about it?’’ They were going in circles, again. Hide looked at him, silently apologizing.

‘’Don’t you want this too?’’ What if Hide didn’t want it, what would he think of Kaneki then? Was he weirded out? Kaneki hoped not.

_It’s not that._

‘’Then what do you want?’’ This was meant to bring them closer, but Kaneki couldn’t help but feel like he did the opposite. It broke him that it seemed like they couldn’t go any further than this.

Hide took his face into his hands, made Kaneki look at him. He was searching for words, Kaneki could see it.

_I don’t want to rush it._

‘’But we don’t have time.’’ It was the first time either had brought up the end since Hide had talked about it. The awkward tension began to rise.

_Let’s talk then._

‘’Why would we?’’

_You say we don’t have time, so let’s use it carefully._

‘’I don’t want to talk.’’ Kaneki really didn’t want to. Not anymore, now that he knew Hide was not going to answer him directly and it would just be a waste of time. He only wanted to get them further. How could he not understand?

_I barely know you._

Kaneki was startled by that, and Hide felt like a stranger for a moment. It was true what Hide said. They had never had time to really sort things out, only explaining problems and making apologies. He knew next to nothing about what Hide had been doing in the years they were apart, and so did Hide. They had changed during that time, and now they didn’t know each other anymore.

He suddenly understood why Hide was holding back. He wouldn’t want to make love to a stranger either.

Kaneki backed away, his back touching the wall. It was his choice what he would do now.

‘’Let’s talk then.’’

** ____________ **

‘’I killed my dad once.’’

Kaneki was a stranger to him, and the more he talked, the more it seemed to be a different person lying next to him. But Hide didn’t stop Kaneki. He wanted to get to know him, even if he had to start over again.

** ____________ **

‘’I stayed at a youth establishment for almost three years, then got moved to a foster family,’’ Kaneki stopped for a moment. It was hard to talk when he had to look directly at Hide so the other could understand.

‘’You could say I didn’t have the most fun back there and that I was very happy when some family wanted to take me in.’’ Hide raised his eyebrows, and Kaneki could almost laugh. It came out pathetic.

‘’Okay, I think the time there screwed me up pretty much.’’ Kaneki didn’t want to talk about the sad stories his life held. Not with Hide at least.

‘’I’m an easy target. That place hadn’t made it different. They used me and I let myself be used,’’ he swallowed and looked at Hide hopefully. ‘’The end?’’

Unfortunately, Hide shook his head. Kaneki noticed that Hide showed genuine interest, and when he moved closer to Kaneki, he could continue.

‘’The family I lived with was kind, though they didn’t really seem to care what I was doing. Maybe they were too scared to approach me, fearing I would explode or something.’’ His foster parents had never contacted him after he left for this school behind their backs. They let him do his thing, and there was nothing wrong with it. ‘’It wasn’t weird for them to think so. I came from a youth prison because I had killed my own parent. They must have thought I was pretty crazy.

‘’I sometimes think how it would have ended if I hadn’t killed my father. There was no need to take that man’s life. But I guess I would be dead if I hadn’t.’’ Everything left him so easily. Maybe because he was talking to stranger?

He had to stop with ‘maybe’. It was because it was Hide.

‘’You know, my father had killed my mother. I asked myself why he had always stayed on our side. It wasn’t like he wanted or needed a family. He could have just left and let me and my mother live peacefully.’’

Hide was so close that there foreheads were almost touching. Kaneki smiled. He felt ten times lighter. ‘’I guess he found some sort of happiness in his family.

‘’Even though he caused most problems in my life, I can’t bring myself to hate him. I thought I did, when I was young and saw how he broke my mother, but in the end he was only searching for love. I guess we are the same in that aspect. He felt lost and forced it, and look what I have done this whole year. A messed up duo we are.’’

He knew Hide wouldn’t judge him for what he thought. He wouldn’t look down on him for the tears that still flowed, or how he only ever wanted to defend himself and ended up killing his own father. Hide stayed close, wiped away his tears and looked him into his eyes. It was mesmerizing.

‘’That’s the end. Now, what’s your story?’’

Hide’s mouth fell agape, and Kaneki had to chuckle at the sight of a lost Hide. Even without them, he seemed to be lost at what words to use.

His hands sunk between them, and it grabbed Kaneki’s attention. Hide was trying to say something. He couldn’t feel anything but pride.

_I spent my time searching for you._

And that was it. That was Hide’s story. Kaneki knew from his family, and his connection with Tsukiyama, and what Hide was. Hide had already told him, and back then Kaneki had rejected him. Every time the other had wanted to come closer, he had backed off. Now, he would accept it.

Kaneki fell asleep on Hide’s chest. Hide fell asleep under him. Kaneki told Hide through a dream that he loved him, and meant it deeply. In his sleep, he felt Hide’s breathe stutter and become lighter. In their sleep, they smiled.

 

Kaneki woke up when the morning light hit his face and there was no one in the bed besides him.

Hide had left.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end. I know I've said that I'll add one more chapter after this, but I want to give my afterword right here. 
> 
> What a journey has it been. Two years (from tomorrow) that included so many writer's blocks, frustrating moments, grammar mistakes, plot changes, OOC lines, sappy storytelling, moments of giving up, moments of pulling myself together again, changing the story again, and so on. This is the first actual fanfiction that I've ever written, and before I posted the first chapter two years ago, I had worked out the whole plot beforehand. I don't even remember what the original story was like. Surely not like this. 
> 
> There have been a lot of times that I wanted to give up this story. Mainly because I started writing after my third year of my english course. I wanted to do everything perfectly, be original, and come over as an intelectual. So I started doing things you're not supposed to do while writing. This was coming up with a too complex plot, too many OOC moments, scenarios that just didn't work out and doing a lot of search work on Thesaurus for new words. I grew a lot in these two years, and my writing style changed. More like I created a writing style. When I would read the previous chapters, I would cringe and want to hit my past self. I tried to solve the complex plot by leaving things out in the middle of writing the story, which leaves a lot of things unresolved. 
> 
> I never dropped this story though. This is because the two year younger me had sworn that she would finish this story. And then, it was also because of you guys. When I read through the comments on this story, I see a lot of people sticking with me, encouraging me to keep going. There are also writers that I look up to who commented, and most of their words I can't understand. Especially the positive comments on the early chapters. Those chapters were a disaster. 
> 
> But all in all, I want to give you my gratitude. Without you, the commenters, Kudos, subscribers, and bookmarkers, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Really, really, thank you. 
> 
> And if you want to ask me what happened to Ayato who was planned to be Hide's suspended roommate, or when Touka would reveal Kaneki had attacked her at the establishment and gave her a permanent scar, you won't get an answer. Just like I said, this story is a mess. 
> 
> I forced Hide to be the perfect character, which he isn't, and I forced Kaneki into the hopeless role, which he is but isn't. I'm sorry Tsukiyama, I don't think of you as some molester. It was for the sake of the story. 
> 
> Now Tokyo Ghoul has come to an end, I want to give my last thanks to Sui Ishida. His story inspired and motivated me to start writing again, which started with this story. He encouraged me to write many others after this one. So really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 
> 
> This will be the end, but stay tuned for the last last chapter. 
> 
> I will see you soon. 
> 
> For the last time, thank you for reading. 
> 
> ~N


	20. After story

_Hello there,_

_It has been a long time. How are you? I’m doing fine, but the weather is horrible here. It won’t stop raining and it is a whole challenge to get to the library without getting soaked. But that’s normal for October. I guess it’s been over a year now then. Sorry if I sound like an old man._

_Thank you for your last letter by the way, I enjoyed the copy of The Shining that you sent me. Very nostalgic if you ask me, only was the English hard sometimes. I think you would beat me in finishing the book faster. But it made me think of when we watched the movie together. We were far too young for that._

_You said you were finally able to settle down. You could say you did the impossible, so congratulations! That might sound a little flat, but I really mean it when I say I couldn’t be happier, prouder, when I read you were doing fine. Following the American dream can’t be easy, but you just started it. Send me photos of where you’ve stranded next time?_

_Then there was the thing of getting a job that you mentioned. Working at a music store without being able to enjoy the product, that is a peculiar thing. But you’re exactly the person who could pull that off. I’m happy that you could. Just keep away from the junk food and you’ll be able to finance your life._

_Life has been hectic and boring here. Exams are coming up and the only thing we discuss in class is how important it is to pass. Teachers keep nagging me about the future, but I want to wait. Universities can always come later. First thing I’ll do when I graduate is coming to your place._

_I don’t have anything else to tell. I’m sorry you had to wait for such an empty letter for so long. There are no adventures to be experienced here, so I’ll have to disappoint you with this. Again, sorry._

_I only wanted to write this letter because I miss you. School and work are a minimal distraction, and I miss you. Sometimes I think about walking away and going to you. But I promised you that I would first finish here and then move on, didn’t I? And you already moved on. You’re so unfair._

_For now, this is it. I hope America will treat you right. Don’t make a mess of your place and eat healthy. Do your laundry and don’t wander around alleyways at night. I could say that, but I know you’ll be fine. You grew up faster than me, so living alone will be easy for you._

_Wait for me there. Soon I’ll be there too._

_I love you,  
Kaneki Ken_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's a wrap.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr for non original stuff: Nitsuki-baka


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